What if the person you’re turning to for healing is actually keeping you stuck? (Cue dramatic music and flashbacks to church lady “counseling” that made you question your entire existence.)

Welcome to Season 2 of the Divorced Christian Woman Podcast! I’m kicking things off with my friend and fellow coach, Diana Swillinger. We’re diving headfirst into the sometimes-healing, sometimes-horrifying world of mentors, coaches, and therapists.

Not all helpers are created equal, my friend. And no, your cousin’s youth group leader who “feels called” to counsel probably isn’t qualified to help you unravel years of spiritual abuse.

This episode is your guide to sorting through the noise, finding the right kind of help for the season you’re in, and learning how to trust your own gut again, especially after years of being told it was “deceitfully wicked.” (eye-roll)

What We Covered: 

• Mentors, coaches, therapists, and how to know the difference
• Red flags in helping relationships
• Green flags in helping relationships
• What to do if you believe you are “too broken” or “not broken enough”
• The process of healing
• How community plays a role in our healing

Related Resources:

• Flying Higher (https://joinflyinghigher.com) is my live mentorship program for Christian women pursuing increased confidence, emotional management, relational health and empowered self-development.
• Feel like a hot mess after divorce? This 5-Day Workshop will teach you a mind-shift tool to help you learn a powerful way to manage your thoughts and emotions in order to navigate adult decisions with clarity and peace. 
• Check out Diana’s website and explore some resources, listen to her podcast, The Renew Your Mind Podcast, and finally, connect with her on Facebook and Instagram.

Article: Is Your Therapist Helping You Heal, or Keeping You Stuck?

Let’s play a quick game. Raise your hand if you’ve ever stayed with a therapist, coach, or mentor way longer than you should’ve, just because you didn’t want to hurt their feelings. (Yes, even though you were paying them actual money to help you.)

Here’s the thing. Not everyone with a clipboard or a coaching certification is qualified to walk you through the deep, vulnerable, soul-shifting work of healing from emotional and spiritual abuse. In fact, sometimes, they’ll unintentionally (or in some cases, very intentionally) make it worse.

This episode kicks off Season 2 of the Divorced Christian Woman Podcast, and Diana Swillinger joined me to talk about the murky world of professional help and how not all “help” is helpful.

What is the difference between a coach, a therapist, and a mentor?

Let’s break it down. You wouldn’t go to a dentist for a pap smear (dear Lord, I hope not), so why would you go to a therapist for something a coach is actually better suited for? Or vice versa?

Mentors are the Yodas of the world. They’ve done the thing. They’ve got the battle scars. They’re here to teach you how to do the thing, too. I mentor women in my Flying Higher program by showing them how I rebuilt my life from religious trauma and a toxic marriage, and they learn how to build their own badass futures from there.

Coaches? Oh honey, coaches can be your thought ninjas. They meet you where you are, help you figure out why you’re stuck, and give you the tools to break through. Coaching is forward-facing. Strategic. Action-oriented. Think: “Why do I keep dating narcissistic worship leaders?” not “Tell me about your childhood trauma for the 57th time.”

Therapists, on the other hand, are the emotional archaeologists. They’re digging through the ruins of your past trauma to uncover what’s festering underneath. If you’ve got unprocessed grief, childhood abuse, or C-PTSD, a good therapist can help unpack all that without making you feel like a broken teacup.

The key is knowing what you need and when. (Hey! Sometimes it’s all three.)

Aren’t all experts safe guides? Does it matter who I get help from? 

Just because someone has a counseling degree or a coaching certificate doesn’t mean they get to be your authority figure. They’re not God. They’re not your parent. They’re not even necessarily right. You are not obligated to keep going to someone who doesn’t see you.

Here’s a fun little story (read: cautionary tale): I once went to a so-called “biblical counselor” who basically confirmed all my worst fears. According to them, my deep shame and fear of disappointing authority figures meant I was extra sinful and especially rebellious, not traumatized. Cool cool cool.

It was like paying someone $150/hour to gaslight me in Jesus’ name. Never again.

If you’re recovering from religious trauma, you’re especially vulnerable to putting “experts” on pedestals. Here’s your permission slip: Take Pastor Steve off the pedestal. You’re not buying it anymore.

What are the red flags to watch for in a coach or therapist?

Let’s play another game. If your coach or therapist…

• Minimizes your feelings
• Pushes their agenda instead of helping you uncover your truth
• Feels more like a disappointed parent than a guide
• Makes you feel worse every session and not in a “growing pains” kind of way
• Gets defensive when you question them
• Acts like you owe them something

Red flags. All of them.

Also? If your gut is screaming “This is off,” you don’t need a second opinion. You are the second opinion. Your body knows. Trust it.

But Wait. What If I’m Too Broken for Help? Or Not Broken Enough?

Ah yes, the classic trauma-induced “I’m either too much or not enough” conundrum.

If you’ve ever thought:

• “I don’t deserve help. I’m a mess.”
• “Other people have it worse. Mine’s just emotional abuse.”
• “Maybe I’m just too sensitive…”

Let me stop you right there, sweet friend.

If something is robbing your peace, joy, or sense of self, then it’s bad enough to get help. Period. Emotional abuse is real. Being ignored, dismissed, manipulated, or spiritually gaslit over and over again does damage. You don’t need bruises to justify your healing.

And guess what? Feeling broken doesn’t disqualify you. It actually qualifies you. Your hurt is valid. Your desire to heal is sacred. And you don’t need to earn your right to feel whole again.

What are the green flags to look for in a coach or therapist?

Let’s end on a high note, shall we? Here’s what a good helping relationship looks like:

• You feel seen, heard, and respected
• They hold boundaries with kindness and professionalism
• Your voice matters just as much as theirs
• They ask good questions instead of giving pat answers
• You’re invited to trust yourself, not become dependent on them
• You leave feeling empowered, not confused or shamed
• They celebrate your baby steps like you just climbed Everest

In other words, they don’t play “Savior.” They play Guide.

How can community help me heal from abuse and trauma?

Let’s be real: coaches and therapists are great. But sometimes, what we’re really missing is community.

Healing in isolation is like trying to build a house with a blindfold on and no tools. You need mirrors, people who’ve walked through the same fire and can say, “Hey, I see you. You’re not crazy. And also, here’s a flashlight.”

That’s why I created the Flying Higher program. You get to grow alongside women who are also sick of pleasing everyone but themselves. 

Who are also building new lives from the rubble. 

And who are also ready to stop asking for permission to exist.

Final Thoughts (and a Pep Talk)

There’s no one-size-fits-all formula here. You’re allowed to try things. You’re allowed to fire your therapist. You’re allowed to change your mind. Healing is not a linear process. It’s messy, human, and holy.

And you don’t need to have it all figured out to take the next baby step.

Whether that’s booking a therapy session, trying out a coach, joining a community like Flying Higher, or just taking a nap, you’re doing it. You’re moving forward.

And I am over here cheering wildly with my metaphorical pom-poms and my very real coffee mug that says “Emotionally Exhausted But Still Trying.”

Keep going. You’re not alone.

Come work with me and hundreds of other divorced Christian women in Flying Higher. And be sure to check out Diana’s podcast, Renew Your Mind, for weekly brain-rewiring magic!

XOXO,

Natalie