What exactly is self-care, and why is it important? Is self-care selfish, as so many Christians seem to think? In this episode, Natalie talks with Sarah McDugal about why self-care is actually a sacred duty.
What do love, hate, and pain have in common?
Believe it or not: Being super ticked off. Anger.
I’m serious as a heart attack. Anger stems from either love, hate, or pain. Which means there are some pretty legitimate and useful reasons to be mad. As well as some that are just nasty or unhelpful.
So if you’ve been taught that anger is ungodly, wrong, or always a sign of bitterness, I suggest two things:
1. Pull out the example of Jesus crafting a homemade whip and going mad dog in the temple. He dealt out the beatdown of the season. Ask people what they think of that anger. Was he just trying to encourage all those sleazy hawkers while flipping their tables over, tossing their money around, and driving their animals away? Maybe he should’ve prayed instead of taking his zeal to the streets?
2. Listen to this episode. More motivation below.
Abusers who leave a relationship are as rare as steak tartare.
In fact, waiting for an abuser to leave is similar to waiting for them to change.
Or asking for a hippopotamus for Christmas. Riding a unicorn. Losing weight on a cake-only diet.
Not likely.
If abusers are so unhappy with their victims, why don’t they leave first? Because staying fits within the point of abuse: to control you. And unless he’s discovered an excellent and easy alternative, you’re an endless supply for your emotional abuser’s selfishness.
On top of that, if you’re a Christian woman, he knows you take your vows seriously. He’s counting on you to stick it out, no matter what. He’s got “God” on his side.
Finally, when he mistreats you, like any sane person or hurt puppy, you react, and it ain’t pretty. You’re so ashamed of your behavior. He knows it. So instead of focusing on the harm he’s doing, you’re consumed by what a failure—a raging, bitter wretch of a person—you feel like. And you wonder: Am I the abuser?
You’re stuck between a boulder (an impossible, destructive marriage) and a hard place (your paralyzing beliefs).
What now?
There is a predictable pattern of behavior your emotional and spiritual abuser will follow when you set healthy boundaries. When you know what to expect, you’ll be able to hold steady in the middle of the kickback.
If you break abuse down to the nitty-gritty, at its heart is something called “emotional childhood.” Abusers think everybody should make their life work. Everyone should cater to their whims. Everybody is responsible for their emotions. For fixing them, moment by moment. They shouldn’t have to do anything. Like a stunted emotional child.
If you’re a wife in this situation, you come to believe that you are supposed to fix your husband. You think you’re the only one who can (and that “fixing” him is even possible).
Any movement to protect yourself, to detach, to assign responsibility to him for HIS OWN LIFE and CHOICES, feels like betrayal and selfishness and just plain gross. Your husband and many religious people would agree.
Which leads us right back to: Am I responsible for fixing my husband? Is detaching from him to protect myself wrong?
I’ve been asked these questions hundreds—if not thousands—of times, so I’ve fleshed out an answer that addresses them AND all those icky rabbit trails in your mind.
And unlike what you’ve been told in church, online, or by your husband, this answer doesn’t require you to throw yourself in a pool to save a person who wants to drown…and drag you under too.
Is the last thing you googled, “Am I crazy?” or “Why does my husband hate me?” or the literal title of this episode?
Bleh. Living in such horrible, constant confusion can make us obsessive. Not crazy obsessive. The “desperate for answers” kind. The “I’m living in purgatory and I hate it!” kind. The “Is it me even though I’m trying so hard?” kind.
If you’re looking for a fixed point of reference—a way to know what’s real and true, then you’ve stumbled across something better than 6.84 million Google results. Because I’m going to answer your question in incredible detail.
“How Not to Be a Meanie” doesn’t hit the same, does it?
“How Not to Act Out Patriarchal Theology, AKA ‘A Chocolate-Covered Turd’” is probably too long.
And Andrew Bauman wants to get the attention of men who have bought into domination and called it love, and control and called it protection. The men who feel entitled to women’s bodies and minds and service, all in the name of God. Asses.
How does he tackle the problem? One donkey-sized piece at a time.
Did you know that abuse has a bestie?
Its sneaky little friend is Shame. Shame is a talkative fellow but very dependable.
He hangs on your earlobes and yells:
“You’re not perfect, so you can’t point out your husband’s faults.”
“You yelled back, so you expect him to stop.”
“You pull away emotionally, so you can’t get angry when he stonewalls.”
“You hit him after he hit you, so you deserved it.”
“You found comfort in someone else’s arms, so you’re just as bad as him.”
“You have no right to expect better when you’re so screwed up.”
Shame keeps us bound and trapped, even long after a divorce.
So what should you do with these painful, tormenting thoughts?
Have you suffered the debilitating loss of your church family? This can be a traumatic experience that takes a lifetime to process. Find out why, and how you can think about this in a way that empowers you to love more and experience peace in spite of the pain.
