So you’re getting out of your emotionally and spiritually abusive marriage (congratulations, by the way, you’re a hero), and you think the hard part is over? Honey, buckle up. This episode pulls back the curtain on what actually goes down in family court and why women like you and me need to step into the CEO role of our divorce process.
I talk with Amy Polacko, a woman who’s been through it, wrote a book about it, and now helps other women survive it. We cover everything from strategic silence and choosing the right attorney, to the “he’s such a good guy” nonsense that courts just eat up.
Here’s the low-down: You could be framed. Literally. Not metaphorically. Actually framed. So let’s talk about how to not let that happen.
Key Takeaways:
- You must be the CEO of your divorce. Do not—I repeat, do NOT—hand the wheel to someone else and hope for the best.
- The justice system isn’t always just. Especially if you’re a woman who dares to leave an abuser.
- Document everything and hire smart. Get a coach before you get an attorney. Better yet, get Amy.
- Abusers have a playbook. And Amy knows what’s on every page.
- Your “Christian” husband might still screw you over. Faith language doesn’t mean he’s safe. It might just mean he’s scarier.
- Kids grow up. Even if you lose custody, there’s hope. Connection isn’t court-mandated, it’s soul-deep. We’ll talk about what to do if the unthinkable happens.
Related Resources:
- Check out Amy’s website and get some one-on-one coaching with her.
- Get Amy’s FREE resource, 10 Divorce Mistakes You Can’t Afford to Make.
- Get the Proactive Playbook for Divorce or take her course, Divorce Decoded.
- Read her co-authored book, Framed: Women in the Family Court Underworld.
- Connect with Amy on Instagram.
- Go listen to some related Flying Free Podcast episodes, including “Winning Child Custody & Divorce Battles” and “How to Be the Parent Your Child Needs During Divorce.”
- And of course, consider joining the Flying Free Kaleidoscope where we make education and support for Christian women in emotionally abusive marriages (or making their exit) affordable and life-changing. (Plus Amy is one of our resident coaches!)
Amy is a divorce coach and an award-winning journalist who is a domestic abuse survivor. Through her Freedom Warrior coaching business, she has guided hundreds of women out of toxic relationships and empowers women to be the CEO of their divorce. She is a former full-time investigative reporter on television. Amy’s work has been featured in HuffPost, The Washington Post, Newsweek, NBC News, The Independent, New York Observer and Ms. She co-authored the groundbreaking book FRAMED: Women in the Family Court Underworld with Dr. Christine Cocchiola which exposes the gender bias crisis in our justice system.
Article: Could You Be Framed in Family Court? Here’s Why You Must Be the CEO of Your Divorce
Listen, friend. If you’re standing on the ledge of divorce and thinking the justice system is going to roll out the red carpet for you—maybe even offer you a chocolate chip cookie and a hug—this is your wake-up call. That courtroom? It’s not your friend. The family court system is more like that passive-aggressive aunt who smiles sweetly while stabbing your credibility in the back with a rusted butter knife.
This week on the Flying Free Podcast, I sat down with Amy Polacko: divorce coach, award-winning journalist, and fellow survivor of courtroom craziness. We got real about the terrifying truth: women are being framed in family court. Yes, framed, as in, made to look like the abuser, the unstable one, the villain. And the people believing these twisted narratives? Judges. Attorneys. Evaluators. Sometimes even the good church folk you once trusted with your banana bread recipe.
But He’s a “Good Christian Man”… Right?
Let’s kick this fantasy to the curb right now. Just because your husband leads a small group or doesn’t forget your birthday doesn’t mean he won’t drain the joint account and call the cops on you for “abuse” when you finally say, “I’m done.” Amy shared story after story of women, Christian women, being left destitute, accused of madness, and stripped of their children by “godly” men who know how to manipulate the system. It’s true. Abusers thrive in court.
One woman, Lucy (not her real name), ended up losing custody of her kids after her husband framed her for abuse. What’s worse? He weaponized her church community, Bible verses, and even his “spiritual authority” to justify the control and cruelty he unleashed.
Why You MUST Be the CEO of Your Divorce
Here’s the deal: if you’re walking into family court thinking you’ll just “tell the truth and everything will work out,” you’re already losing. This system isn’t built for women like us. Especially not women coming out of spiritually abusive, patriarchal marriages where we’ve been groomed to be sweet, submissive, and oh-so-agreeable.
Amy’s advice? You must be the CEO of your divorce. That means:
- Strategizing like your life depends on it (because it kind of does).
- Profiling your ex—yes, profile him. What makes him tick? What’s his playbook? He’s got one. Let’s not be clueless. (We have a profiling workshop in Flying Free. It’s just one of the ways we help you prepare for your divorce).
- Getting the right team—not just an attorney, but a coach who understands narcissistic abuse and can keep you from going full-blown panic mode and speed-dialing your overpriced lawyer every time your ex breathes sideways.
Ladies, we aren’t just trying to “get through” divorce. We’re trying to come out the other side with our sanity, our kids, and hopefully some financial dignity still intact.
What the Courts Don’t Want You to Know
Amy’s been ringing the alarm bells in national media—HuffPost, Ms. Magazine, NBC—and guess what? The resistance is real. Most outlets don’t want to touch family court issues with a 10-foot pole. Too messy. Too gendered. Too “Jerry Springer.” (Their words, not mine.)
But the data doesn’t lie: only 41% of women are believed when they report abuse in custody cases. And women often lose custody even when the evidence is stacked sky-high in their favor. Meanwhile, abusers are playing five steps ahead, weaponizing the system while you’re still praying and journaling and wondering if cat food in a trailer park is in your future (thanks, Debbie Pearl).
Bottom line: you can’t afford to be passive. Your future and your kids’ future depends on you stepping into your power now, not six months into a legal disaster.
Hope? Yes. But Not in the System
Don’t get me wrong. There’s still hope. Kids grow up. Truth has a way of rising to the surface, even after the court system buries it alive. Amy and I both know women who’ve lost custody, only to be reunited with their children years later. The bond between a mother and child? It’s real. It doesn’t die just because a judge slams down a gavel.
And for those of us still in the fight, there’s a movement growing. Organizations like the National Safe Parents Organization are pushing legislation to stop this madness. You can join the movement. Speak out. Support each other. Educate yourself. And never ever let the system silence your story.
Want to read these jaw-dropping stories and learn how to protect yourself? Get Framed: Women in the Family Court Underworld. It’s not a beach read. It’s a must-read.
And please, friend. Be the CEO of your divorce. No one else is going to do it for you.
XOXO,
Natalie
The Comments
Alicia Frank Haviland
Natalie, I watched your video on the family court system. I got divorced many, many years ago before your podcast ever existed. I wish there was someone like you back then say 31 years ago.i don’t know if he was a narcissist but he definitely officially diagnosed.as a bipolar manic depressive. And I remember when we were having martial problems early in the marriage he said to me that if I ever tried to divorce him he would make my life a living hell. So I stayed. I did 12 years before I decided it was enough. He took money and my kids away from me. The only one smart thing I did was take half the money from our account because I knew just knew he would spend it. When he took my kids away from me, he and his new wife didn’t want to pay child support lessI was going through breast cancer and the day the court was set was on the day I was in surgery. He didn’t provide me with notice until one week before surgery. And I had a weak, simpy lawyer (I was simply too so that is how I ended up with a simpy lawyer) that was all I could afford. Needless to say their lies got them the children which they couldn’t handle my daughter and one day just brought her back but kept my son. The grief that man put me through was unreal.He was a “glorified Christian.” Everyone in our church believed him(including all our friends) and my children and I were kicked out of church, I lost a lot of “friends.” Demons were certainly at play. I listen to your podcasts pretty regularly even though I am now a widow. I, eventually, after 12 years of being single met the love of my life and we had a wonderful marriage until he died of cardiac arrest. I realize now listening to you that what I went through takes a little more healing (uh thought I was) even after all these years. My ex-husband has a third wife now who is sweet heart but he’s the same and she stands her ground something I never could with him. I see how he is with her. (Because of grandkids I see them now and again). I am now battling two terminal cancers stage 4 metastatic breast cancer and small cell lung cancer. And bless their hearts they are praying for me.Even 31 years later for me, your podcast has relevance.
Natalie Hoffman
→ Alicia Frank HavilandWow, you have been through a lot and I am so sorry. Sending prayers for your emotional and physical healing.
Alicia Frank Haviland
→ Natalie HoffmanThank you, Natalie.
Stefanie G
I went through an 8 year battle fir my children in the Texas good old boy system. I lost custody and gained it back slowly after 3 attorneys later. Took such a long time to get them back. My ex husband was a cheater in the end, emotionally a tran wreck and had been in the mental hospital. He even threw me out the front door the last night I stayed in our home. I tried to work it out amicably. There is no amicably. He was the abuser yet I was made to be the bad guy. I found out I was not the only one in this movement for Father’s getting custody. I knew 2 more women who had gone through similar unjust situations with the court.
I don’t like to talk about it, but this is a good thing you are doing. I tell any woman considering divorce, to really think it through, get excellent legal advice from proven attorneys and be prepared before you leave them. I have so much more to add besides the alienation of my son, whom I now have custody.
The ex remarried a woman without kids after dating a woman with children. He seeks his target well. He is using her to live closer to his work while selling our family home(which by the way I got nothing out of that), he goes on trips had her delivering him for custody visits because I had moved 4 hours away back to the town I could have a career in. The court cares nothing about that. It is a smear campaign to make you look bad. They will fight for the kids and not know what to do with then when thye get custody. They will use them as pawns.
Please ladies get your finances in order, record,record,record. You may think it is too much. You never know. Journal as well. Have a plan of action. And do not expect the courts to side with you. Expect to fight for your life. They will try to wear you down financially, emotionally and all the while your kids are in the middle. Mine begged for him to not fight for them. He didn’t care. Now he is reconnecting by offering them trips and doing fun things with them. If it weren’t for his new wife he wouldn’t have the resources to do so. My ex happened to be a grandiose narcissist. I never new the word before. And his mother worked hard to get rid of me. They paid for all his court costs and attorneys. In the end I had been left with nothing financially other than part of his 401K, no house, no kids, I had to pay child support and do all transport. It was hello.
Yes he was a Christian man and used scripture. Made everyone think I had doen this to him. Let’s not forget I stayed with him be cause of Christianity. Even after he tried to starngle me whike our 2 month old fuaghtrr was on the bed. That was when I reacted to himntelling me for the first time that he had a girlfriend that he heloed pay fornan abortion. I didnt react well to hesring thta after being fed lies befroe we were married. So he attacked me. I couldn’t leave him then but later did and then he filed for divorce all the while I was trying to reconcile. His aorents didnt care snd then tried to take my daughter away. That was 9 years prior to me actually leaving him.
Do not give them any ammo Do not date or give them any reasonnto think you are. He was sleeping around long before I left. I had proof. The court didn’t care. I could go on and on and perhaps should write a book. I wish all of you the best. It will not be easy.
Alicia Frank Haviland
→ Stefanie GOh I can relate my ex forced me to sell the house and he took the kids from me and I had to pay child support until he gave back my daughter because he didn’t know what to do with her. He kept my son. So neither of us had to pay child support. It was a wash. My divorce was 31 years ago before I knew all these things Natalie talks about. My ex husband created a nightmare divorce, he divorced me. I didn’t dare because he said he would make my life hell. He did anyway.