Have you ever felt like you’re starring in a rerun of your own life? Same arguments. Same heartbreak. Same fake flowers and empty promises. It’s called the abuse cycle, my friend.

In this episode, I dive deep into an exercise that one of our Flying Free members shared in the private forum. She mapped out her relationship’s specific abuse cycle, and what she discovered was pretty important.

Nothing changes when nothing changes. Oof. That one landed.

What you’ll learn:

• The Three Phases of the Abuse Cycle
• What HE Does vs. What YOU Do in each phase, and why it’s crucial to spell it out.
• How this member’s personalized cycle became her key to awareness, and eventually, empowerment.
• The Denial Trap: Why “love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs” is not a permission slip to forget he’s hurting you.
• The radical difference between surviving the cycle and disrupting it with intentional action.

Related Resources:
Check out some other related Flying Free Podcast episodes: “Interrupting the Abuse Cycle” and “How to Change Yourself While Still Stuck in an Emotionally Abusive Marriage.”

Article: How to Break Free from the Abuse Cycle: A Simple but Life-Changing Exercise

Have you ever found yourself swirling in a confusing cycle of hope, fear, and heartbreak? One day, he’s bringing you flowers and holding your hand in public, and the next, he’s stomping through the house, emotionally distant, or even cruel. You start to think, “Maybe this time things will be different.” But before long, you’re back in the same place, feeling anxious, ashamed, and stuck.

I want to tell you something bold and true: It’s not your fault you’re stuck. But it is possible to get unstuck.

I’m going to walk you through a profoundly simple and insightful exercise that will help you see the abuse cycle in your relationship, and most importantly, how you respond to it. Because when we name the pattern, we take the first step toward breaking free from it.

Let’s dig in.

The Three Stages of the Abuse Cycle (And the Denial in the Middle)

A member of our Flying Free community shared her own customized abuse cycle chart, and it was so illuminating that I just had to share the idea more broadly. She based her chart on a common model that includes:

1. Green Stage – The Honeymoon Phase
2. Yellow Stage – The Tension-Building Phase
3. Red Stage – The Abusive Incident Phase

And smack-dab in the center of it all is a blue circle labeled “Denial.”

That denial piece? That’s where we spiritually bypass. That’s where we say “love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs” and conveniently forget what just happened, because remembering hurts too much.

But what happens when we swap out that denial for acceptance?

What the Abuser Does, and What YOU Do in Response

Most abuse cycle charts focus on what the abuser does, but our community member took it a step further. She documented her behaviors, too: what she does in each stage of the cycle. And let me tell you, that’s where the transformation began.

Here’s just ONE example of what this might look like. (Your cycle may look very different!)

Green Stage – Honeymoon

What he does:

• Gives gifts, baby talks, plays with the kids, holds your hand, says he’s sorry
• Might cry or blame stress or others for his behavior
• Promises to change or shows future faking behavior

What you do:

• Accept the affection and feel relief
• Try to please him, cook his favorite meals
• Forget how bad it was. Tell yourself “it wasn’t that bad”
• Feel hopeful. Not necessarily about yourself, but about him

What changes when you reclaim your power?

• Accept gifts without attaching meaning
• Only have sex if you want to
• Trust your memory of what happened
• Don’t make excuses for him or force the kids to reconcile
• Get honest about your feelings and avoid his manipulative “hooks” (we teach you how in Flying Free!)

Yellow Stage – Tension-Building

What he does:

• Gives you the silent treatment, gets moody, rolls his eyes, pouts about sex
• Acts like a victim, withdraws affection, stirs up drama, or uses subtle intimidation

What you do:

• Walk on eggshells
• Try harder to keep the peace
• Ask what’s wrong, encourage the kids to be quiet
• Try to initiate sex or read marriage books in desperation
• Isolate yourself or cancel plans to keep him from exploding

How do you respond when you’re healing?

• Distract yourself with things you enjoy
• Stay in your own lane emotionally
• Enforce your boundaries and don’t pursue him
• Let him feel what he feels without managing his emotions
• Use tools like calming apps or yoga to care for yourself

Red Stage – Abuse

What he does:

• Yells, slams doors, gives menacing looks
• Watches porn, disappears, drinks excessively
• May physically threaten or violate your privacy

What you do:

• Shut down emotionally
• Yell back to try to get him to see your perspective
• Threaten to leave or make ultimatums
• Call in sick to work
• Lay awake and ruminate

What healing looks like:

• Protect yourself and your kids without guilt
• Call the police if needed
• Don’t ride with him or search for him
• Continue to go to work. Sleep. Let yourself rest.
• Stay rooted in your truth and your choices

What This Exercise Reveals

At the bottom of her first chart, this woman wrote: “Nothing changes when nothing changes.”

Powerful, right?

But then, after working through the Flying Free program, she created a second version of her chart. Same husband. Same behaviors. But the blue center circle? It no longer said “Denial.” It said: “Acceptance.”

And this time, she wrote at the bottom: “He’s the same. But I have changed.”

That’s the shift. That’s the power of this exercise.

Listen to the episode above to get more examples!

How to Do the Abuse Cycle Exercise Yourself

Here’s a simple step-by-step:

1. Draw three large sections for the Green (Honeymoon), Yellow (Tension), and Red (Abuse) phases.
2. In each section, list what he does. Be as detailed as possible.
3. Now write what you do in response to his abuse during each phase (because even the “honeymoon” part of the cycle is abuse!)
4. Look for patterns. What does your brain believe will “work”? What never actually changes?
5. Replace the center of your cycle. What’s in the middle right now? Denial, hope, shame? What if it could be truth, self-compassion, or acceptance?

Why This Matters

You were never meant to walk through life hoping someone else would change in order for you to feel safe, seen, or loved.

You are not too sensitive. You are not imagining things. You are not asking for too much.
You are allowed to protect your peace.
You are allowed to remember what actually happened.
You are allowed to stop spinning in a cycle that is breaking you.

Freedom doesn’t start with them changing. It starts with you telling the truth.

Want to Go Deeper?

This is exactly what I help Christian women do inside the Flying Free program. I’ll equip you to reclaim your voice and your dignity, rediscover your true identity, and build a new life, one honest decision at a time.

Visit joinflyingfree.com to learn more.

You can break the cycle. You already started just by reading this.

Until next time, fly free.

XOXO

Natalie