In this episode, I walk you through five crucial differences between a healthy Christian marriage and an emotionally abusive one.

Key Takeaways:

• Healthy marriages = clarity, respect, and growth
• Abusive marriages = confusion, control, and punishment
• If you’re constantly walking on eggshells, it’s not normal. 
• God never asked you to sacrifice your soul on the altar of someone else’s entitlement.

Related Resources:

• Check out the rest of the Emotional Abuse 101 series.

Article: Emotional Abuse vs. Healthy Conflict in a Christian Marriage: How to Tell the Difference

For decades, I thought I had failed as a wife.

I was told I was too sensitive. That I needed to submit more and serve better. (Homeschooling nine kids and baking homemade bread every Saturday and volunteering at church and hosting several families on the weekends wasn’t enough.) 

And when I found myself crying on the bathroom floor at 2 a.m. for the thousandth time, I chalked it up to the high calling of Christian marriage. Because, after all, weren’t we told that love bears all things?

Except here’s the thing: love doesn’t bear coercive control, criticism, and expectations that cannot be met by a mere mortal. That’s not love. That’s a weaponized version of Christian endurance, and it’s killing women.

So let’s talk about the difference between a normal, healthy Christian marriage and one where you’re being emotionally abused, because yes, there’s a difference. 

Are You Constantly Confused in Your Christian Marriage?

Healthy marriages are not confusing.

Say it with me: Healthy marriages. Are not. Confusing.

If your brain feels like it’s doing Olympic-level mental gymnastics every time you interact with your husband, that’s not a quirk. It’s a warning.

Does your brain feel like it’s fried? That’s how I describe it. It’s hard to explain, but when you feel it, you know. 

In a safe marriage, you can say something like, “Hey babe, can you clean up the coffee grounds when you’re done?” and get a grown-up response like, “Sure, no problem.”

In fact, in a healthy partnership, you won’t have to ask someone to clean up after themselves. If they are a grown up with a bit of emotional intelligence, they’ll do it all by themselves. 

In an abusive marriage? You’ll get the silent treatment, passive-aggressive eye rolls, or a 30-minute lecture on how you always nag.

If your default state is wondering, “Did I imagine that? Am I the problem? What just happened?” then no, that’s not marriage. That’s gaslighting.

Confusion is the soil where emotional abuse grows. It keeps you unsteady so he can stay in control.

Does Conflict Lead to Resolution in Your Christian Marriage or More Punishment?

Even healthy marriages have conflict. But when things are emotionally safe, conflict leads to understanding. You both share your sides. You listen. You learn. Maybe you cry, maybe you hug it out. But you walk away closer, not crushed.

Abusive marriages? Totally different story.

Bring up a problem, and suddenly you are the problem. You get attacked, dismissed, gaslit, or punished. He’ll turn the tables and accuse you until you’re apologizing for daring to exist.

In a healthy marriage, conflict builds connection.

In an abusive marriage, conflict is a trap. And you’re always the one getting caught in it.

Is There Mutual Respect in Your Christian Marriage or Just One-Sided Control?

Let’s debunk a toxic churchy myth right now: Men need respect. Women need love.

Nope. All humans need both. Even those of us women with, gasp, small brains (as one charming theologian from 150 years ago once claimed).

In a normal Christian marriage, respect looks like asking instead of demanding. Listening. Valuing your partner’s dreams. Treating their opinion like it actually matters, because it does.

Disrespect? That’s ignoring your voice, controlling your choices, calling you names, or expecting obedience like you’re a toddler instead of a wife.

So when your husband accuses you of being “disrespectful” for simply having a different opinion? That’s not about respect. That’s about control.

Do You Feel Emotionally Safe in Your Christian Marriage or Constantly on Edge?

A Christian marriage should be your safest place on earth. Period.

You should be able to laugh, cry, vent, grieve, rage, and ask hard questions without fearing retaliation. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells. You shouldn’t have to do a mood check before asking a simple question. And you shouldn’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not just to keep the peace.

But in an emotionally abusive marriage? You do all of that, all the time.

If your partner weaponizes your vulnerability, uses your fears against you, or punishes you for having needs, then friend, that’s not safety. That’s manipulation.

Are Both of You Taking Ownership in Your Christian Marriage, or Is It Always Your Fault?

In a healthy relationship, both partners take ownership. They apologize. They repair. They grow. Like adults.

In an abusive relationship, everything is your fault.

Dinner’s cold? Your fault. He forgot a meeting? Your fault. He’s mad because you didn’t read his mind and keep his schedule for him? Also your fault.

Meanwhile, when you try to express your hurt, you get: “You’re too sensitive.” “You always overreact.” “You should’ve reminded me.”

This is not how adults treat each other. This is how insecure boys deflect responsibility so they don’t have to grow up.

And if you’re stuck picking up all the pieces of his poor behavior while simultaneously being blamed for every crack in the foundation, guess what? You’re in a one-sided marriage, and contrary to the convenient “truths” some male pastors teach, that’s not God’s design.

Still Wondering? Here’s Your Gut-Check Recap:

• Confusion vs. Clarity: If you feel crazy all the time, that’s not normal.
• Repetition vs. Resolution: Healthy conflict gets resolved. Abuse repeats.
• Disrespect vs. Mutual Regard: Disrespect isn’t godly leadership. It’s arrogance.
• Fear vs. Safety: You should never feel afraid of your spouse.
• Blame vs. Accountability: It takes two grown-ups to make a marriage work.

If you’ve read this and felt your stomach flip, your heart pound, or your soul ache, know this: you’re not alone. 

You are asking brave questions because something deep inside you knows the truth. You’re not just in a hard marriage. You’re in an emotionally abusive one.

And no, I’m not here to tell you what to do next. I don’t hand out divorce papers like church bulletins, and I don’t preach endurance for the sake of optics.

What I do offer is truth, validation, resources, and a community of other women who’ve walked through the same fire and come out free.

Get the first chapter of my book Is It Me? and my newest memoir All the Scary Little Gods when you sign up for my free weekly newsletter. 

Or come hang out in the Flying Free community, where we educate Christian women who are ready to grow into strong, courageous adults and live in truth.

You don’t have to figure this out alone. But you do get to make your own decisions like the grown woman you are.

And I’ll be here, cheering you on.

Because you? You were created to fly free.

XOXO

Natalie