This isn’t your grandma’s church talk on “biblical womanhood.” In this episode, I sit down with four divorced Christian women—Diana, Loretta, Lisa, and Marie—to unpack the sticky, often squirmy conversation around sex, dating, purity culture, and what it all means now that we’ve ditched the toxic marriage and are figuring out what we actually want.

Heads up: this is not a how-to guide for your post-divorce sex life. We’re not handing out purity rings or condoms. This is an open, judgment-free, thoughtful conversation about the messy intersection of desire, faith, and freedom.

Key Takeaways:

• Sex as a “duty” is a massive church-induced scam. Most of us were taught to “submit” and serve our husbands—without any conversation about pleasure, consent, or autonomy. That’s not holy. That’s control.
• Purity culture wrecked us. Whether you read Passion and Purity with a highlighter or came in late via Focus on the Family propaganda, the fear-based messages about sex left many of us feeling ashamed, confused, or broken.
• Desire isn’t sinful. In fact, as Marie shares, our desires are often holy breadcrumbs leading us toward the life God actually wants for us: connection, safety, joy, embodiment.
• Safety is non-negotiable. If you’re not enthusiastically consenting, it’s a no. Period.
• Dating after divorce is a weird buffet. Think: civil engineers, gay best friends, and “I’d rather be watching Netflix alone” moments. Still, it’s helping us learn how to trust ourselves again.
• You’re not spiritually defective if you don’t want sex—or if you do. Normalize your own experience, whatever it is.
• You don’t need a man to be whole. Turns out you’re already a whole dang loaf of bread, not someone’s missing rib. 

Journal Questions: 

1. What messages about sex, desire, and your body did you absorb growing up—either from family, church, or culture? How have those messages shaped your beliefs about yourself today?

2. When you think about sex and dating after divorce, what feelings come up for you? Are they rooted in shame, fear, excitement, curiosity, or something else? Where do you think those feelings come from?

3. What does enthusiastic consent mean to you, and how would you recognize it in your own life—emotionally, spiritually, and physically?

4. If you could re-write the “rules” for Christian women around sex, dating, and pleasure, what would you want to change or toss out completely?

5. In what ways have you suppressed your own desires or needs to fit a certain “Christian wife” or “good woman” mold? What do you want to reclaim for yourself now?

6. How safe do you feel exploring intimacy, dating, or even your own pleasure? What would need to change for you to feel more free and at home in your own skin?

7. Imagine your life and relationships moving forward. What do you want—no shame, no rules, just honesty? How can you begin taking small steps toward that vision, starting now?

Related Resources:

• Flying Higher (https://joinflyinghigher.com) is my live mentorship program for Christian women pursuing increased confidence, emotional management, relational health and empowered self-development.
• Feel like a hot mess after divorce? This 5-Day Workshop will teach you a mind-shift tool to help you learn a powerful way to manage your thoughts and emotions in order to navigate adult decisions with clarity and peace. 
• Listen to Diana’s podcast, the Renew Your Mind Podcast. 
• Connect with Marie on her blog, Live Like it Matters, and website, Spiritual Direction with Marie.
• Read Sheila Wray Gregoire’s The Great Sex Rescue.
• Check out one of my Flying Free Podcast episodes, “What to Do if You’re Married to a Fool.”

Article: Sex, Dating, and Jesus: What Now? 

Let’s talk about sex, baby. Or rather, let’s talk about the weird, tangled mess that is thinking about sex when you’re a divorced Christian woman. And not just sex, but dating, desire, pleasure, shame, and purity culture baggage heavier than a youth group lock-in supply run.

In Episode 10 of The Divorced Christian Woman Podcast, I sat down with a few of my brilliant and brave divorced Christian friends—Diana, Marie, Lisa, and Loretta. We all have one thing in common: we’ve been there, done that, got the emotional scar tissue to prove it. And we’re finally asking the questions we were too afraid (or too ashamed) to voice out loud when we were younger.

Questions like:

• What if I actually want sex?
• What if I actually don’t?
• What if I held his hand on the first date and now I’m spiraling?
• What if I’d rather buy a vibrator than meet one more man who thinks emotional availability is a brand of beard oil?

Let’s rewind.

“I Saved Myself for Marriage… For This?”

Many of us were raised in the ‘80s and ‘90s evangelical circus that was purity culture. Some of us read Passion and Purity and thought we were going to marry the next Jim Elliot. (Well, we didn’t. And even if we had, it still probably wouldn’t have lived up to the fantasy.)

We were told that sex was sacred, holy, and only for marriage. But we were also told that it was dirty, dangerous, and a weapon of mass destruction if you had it outside of marriage. So, sex = good but also sex = bad. Makes total sense, right?

By the time we got married, many of us were walking contradictions: expected to flip a switch from purity princess to sexy servant-wife overnight. And surprise—some of us didn’t exactly thrive in that setup.

For some, sex became a chore. A duty. A box to check so your husband wouldn’t stray (because, obviously, his eternal soul was your responsibility). For others, it became something to fear, avoid, or tolerate in order to survive.

Orgasm at 50? Better Late Than Never.

I didn’t even know what an orgasm really was until I turned 50. Yes, you read that right. FIFTY. Thank you, Christian sex therapist, for prescribing a vibrator. I should’ve been giving these out at bridal showers. 

The point is this: Christian women are not taught to be curious or empowered about their bodies. We’re taught to make sure he’s satisfied, while we pretend we’re not totally disconnected from the experience. That’s not sex. That’s performance. And it robs us of something beautiful.

Dating Again: Unicorns, Catfishing, and Complementarian Land Mines

Let’s get to dating. Because apparently, if you’re divorced, have kids, and aren’t 25 with zero trauma, your dating pool is a haunted swamp.

Loretta described it best when she said her dream man is someone who travels for a living, so she only has to see him once a month. “You have your hotel, I’ll show up, we’ll eat tacos, and then you can fly away.” Respect.

Marie talked about how dating has actually helped her heal. Not because she met her soulmate, but because she met safe men—men who didn’t try to control her, guilt her, or expect anything. She made friends. She got to be herself. And that alone was worth everything.

The rest of us? We’re on the fence. We like our freedom. We like that we can choose what we want for dinner without asking anyone. And we especially like not having to perform emotionally, sexually, or spiritually to keep someone around.

“You’re Not Whole Unless You’re With a Man” — Lies We’re Burning at the Stake

One of the most powerful moments of the conversation came when Lisa said she used to believe she needed a man to complete her. That the “box and bow” family at church—neatly dressed kids, polished smiles—meant she had done life right.

Except she was dying inside.

Now, she’s learning how to be her own best friend. She books her own massages. She asks herself what she wants. And she doesn’t feel broken without a partner. She feels whole.

Y’all. That’s the goal. Whether or not you date again, whether or not you have sex again, the point is: YOU are enough. Right now. As you are.

Faith and Desire: Can They Coexist?

Short answer? Yes. Longer answer? They must.

Marie, a spiritual director with a master’s in Christian spiritual formation, reminded us that desire isn’t something to be squashed. It’s not the enemy. It’s actually a divine roadmap. Emotions and longing help point us to what we need, what we value, and what we’re called to explore.

Suppressing our desires in the name of being a “good Christian woman” didn’t make us more righteous. It made us resentful, confused, and disconnected from our bodies, our God, and ourselves.

Now? We’re learning to listen. To honor what we feel. And to trust that the Spirit speaks not just through burning bushes, but also through butterflies in our stomachs, warm moments of connection, and the holy curiosity that leads us to healing.

Boundaries, Backlash, and the Scarlet “D”

Of course, not everyone is clapping for us. Some of us have family, church friends, or even therapists (hi, Mennonite pastor guy) who believe we should stay single forever because… Jesus said something about divorce and remarriage one time.

To that we say: Bless your heart. And also, no.

We’re not living by other people’s dogma anymore. We’re choosing values that come from inner clarity, not external fear. We’re learning boundaries that protect our peace instead of preserving appearances. And we’re not here to convince anyone of our choices.

We’re just trying to live well, love wisely, and stop carrying shame that never belonged to us in the first place.

Final Word? Normalize Where You’re At

Whether you’re lighting candles for a future love, finding joy in celibacy, ordering your first vibrator on Amazon Prime (go you), or simply existing without any desire whatsoever, it’s all okay.

You’re okay.

Sex, dating, Jesus, they can all coexist in a complicated, sacred mess. And the beauty is: you get to decide what that looks like. You don’t need permission from your ex-pastor, your mother-in-law, or the patriarchy.

You get to write your own story now.

And in case no one told you today: you’re doing better than you think.

Come work with me and hundreds of other divorced Christian women in Flying Higher if you want to dive deeper!

XOXO,

Natalie