Would you play a card game with a cheater? Once maybe, right? Then, it’s a solid H-E-double-hockey-stick no.
What about for a month? A year? Five years? Twenty?
Would you tell your daughter to play with a cheater? Your best friend?
I’m gonna guess the answer is “abso-freaking-lutely not!”
So why do we think we “owe” a husband who has shown himself to be abusive any more of our precious time?
Learning about emotional and spiritual abuse is dangerous.
You start to see patterns in your marriage, your family, your friendships, your church…and your faith. You start to understand why God often doesn’t feel safe. Why you feel like a constant disappointment. A regular failure. A busted, broken, rejection-worthy woman.
You were taught that God is love…
And that God wants (and demands) perfection. That he loves you IN SPITE of you. That he has to look at Jesus to accept you. That negative emotions are a sign you’re in sin. And a high self-esteem (not hating yourself) is a sign you’re in other sin. That you deserve punishment even when you’re giving 100% to please him.
There’s no winning…
…Until we explore the core of how we approach EVERY relationship in our lives: through attachment style.
I’d like to introduce you to my friend Myrtle. She’s a backseat driver. The kind you can’t ignore.
She’s MY backseat driver. And yours. Myrtle thinks she’s the help-iest thing ever.
She’s a big reason behind many of our behavior patterns. The places and ways we’re stuck. Our self-sabotage. Myrtle is the explanation for a lot of our recurrent fears. She’s loud, proud, and she never shuts up. She provides the same old thoughts that plague us, day after day, year after year.
What do we do with Myrtle? (Not to mention the bus full of other backseat drivers, in this case, younger versions of yourself.)
It starts with realizing there are “no bad parts” in us, including Myrtle. I’ll tell you all about it in this episode, one of five upcoming sessions featured in the Flying Free program.
I remember thinking that if I could just hit on the right inflection in my voice maybe or the correct tone or the perfect combination of words or the right attitude — you know, one of subservience and humility so as not to trigger his fragile ego and bring down his wrath — I’d finally get through. He’d finally get it. The wall would come crumbling down.
Nope.
When I finally filed for divorce, he suddenly said he’d seen the light. He’s willing to go to counseling. If I don’t give him this “final” chance (there have been so many “final” chances), I’ll feel like I didn’t do enough.
Is this you?
“Unless you forgive and come back to me, you’re disobeying God and the Bible!”
If I were your abusive husband, I’d say the same thing. Why? Cause then I’d get what I want. Woohoo! Isn’t that what the Bible is all about?
Oh, begging your pardon. I was basing my opinion off how I see most church leaders and many legalistic Christians approach the Bible.
Which means that if you’re looking for advice on whether you should reconcile with your abusive husband — and what reconciliation really means — you’re going to get a whole charcuterie board of different answers. From biased people. Trying to interpret text that doesn’t give a full answer on… basically anything.
Consider this alternative: Ask a different question and provide your own answer.
Sound heretical? Then keep reading (and listening).
“You don’t know God,” the elder leaned forward and said to me. He knew I was preparing to divorce my emotionally abusive husband.
My body began to tremble. My voice shook.
I realized later that he was right. His god was vindictive and cruel, like a mythological Zeus.
The God I know — deeply, intimately, since I was a child — is gentle and kind and leads me away from fear and control.
That was the first church meeting I ever walked out of. And the last one I ever had with those elders.
It’s also when I realized that I could fly free. So can you.
Get the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, recommended by therapists. That chapter will help you figure out what’s going on in your marriage.
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