How Do I Deal with His Rage? [Episode 317]

In today’s episode, I answer a question about surviving a husband’s rage while still in the home and preparing to leave. I want to share insights on coping strategies, the importance of unhooking from an abuser’s words, and how to create a safety plan. If you’re living in survival mode, this episode offers encouragement and practical steps to help you move toward freedom and healing.

Key Takeaways:

• Fear is a natural response to an abusive environment. Trying to “toughen up” emotions to endure abuse is not the solution; rather, finding ways to escape is essential.
• Unhook from his words. An abuser’s insults and accusations are projections of their own delusions, not reflections of your worth.
• Abusers see their victims as LEGO characters. They create a false narrative about who you are and expect you to conform. Recognizing this can help you detach emotionally.
• Radical acceptance is necessary. Understand that an abusive partner does not want genuine connection—only control and transaction.
• Survival mode is not living. Every day you endure abuse is survival, but true healing comes from stepping into a life of freedom.
• You deserve a future beyond survival. Healing is possible, and there are communities and resources to help you move forward.

Related Resources:

• Need a resource to help you as you unhook? Check out my interview with the founder of the app, Aimee Says, and then try it out for yourself!
• Want a free chapter of my book, “Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage”? Sign up for my mailing list, and I’ll send a copy straight to your inbox. 
• Some related episodes you may enjoy: “12 Life-Changing Beliefs That Will Unhook You From Abuse,” and “Why Relationships Are Complicated for Survivors and How to Unhook from Relationship Drama.”

Article: How Do I Deal with His Rage?

If you’re living in a marriage filled with emotional and verbal abuse, it can feel like you’re drowning in a storm with no way out. You wake up every day not knowing what mood your husband will be in or whether his rage will explode yet again. You might be walking on eggshells, trying to avoid confrontation, but nothing you do seems to stop the cycle. And while you’re preparing to leave, you’re left wondering: How do I survive this?

This is exactly what one of our listeners asked on a recent episode of the Flying Free Podcast:

“How do we handle, how do we survive, basically, when the husband has an episode of rage, and we are not yet able to leave the home, and we’re still preparing, so we have to stick it out?”

Let’s talk about that.

Fear is a Natural Response to Danger

Imagine falling into a swamp filled with alligators. You’d be terrified, right? That’s a normal human response to danger. The same applies when living with an emotionally abusive husband. Fear is your body’s way of signaling that something is wrong.

Many women try to mentally toughen up—to “handle” the abuse without feeling fear. But here’s the truth: No one can condition themselves to endure a fire without getting burned. You should be afraid when you’re in danger. Your emotions are functioning exactly as they should.

Unhooking Emotionally from His Words

One of the most painful aspects of abuse is the cruel words and accusations hurled at you. He might call you names, belittle you, or try to convince you that you’re a failure, a bad wife, or an unworthy Christian. But here’s what you need to understand:

His words are not truth. They are simply noise coming from a person who is deeply broken himself.

Abusive men see their wives as Lego characters in their personal little world. They believe they have the right to control and manipulate you, moving you around as they see fit. But you are not a Lego character. You are a real, autonomous person with your own mind, heart, and soul.

When you stop giving his words credibility, you take away their power. They become meaningless sounds, like the wind whistling through trees.

How to Respond in the Moment

While you’re still in the home, here are some strategies to help you survive emotionally:

1. Practice the Gray Rock Method: Respond to his rants with minimal, non-emotional responses. The less reaction you give, the less satisfaction he gets.
2. Avoid Engaging in Arguments: No matter how much you want to defend yourself, arguing only fuels his fire.
3. Plan an Exit Strategy: Identify a safe place you can go in case his rage escalates. A friend’s house, a shelter, even your car—have a plan.
4. Strengthen Your Internal Narrative: Remind yourself daily: His words are a reflection of him, not me. I am worthy. I am not what he says I am.
5. Find Emotional Support: Whether it’s a trusted friend, a support group, or a program like the Kaleidoscope, surround yourself with voices that uplift and validate you.

Accepting the Reality of the Relationship

One of the hardest but most freeing realizations is this: He does not want a deep, meaningful relationship with you.

That’s not because of anything you’ve done. It’s because abusers don’t seek connection—they seek control. When I finally accepted this in my own life, I stopped giving my husband feedback. I stopped hoping for change. And you know what? Our relationship became eerily quiet. That’s when I realized—it had never really existed in the first place.

Preparing for Freedom

Surviving is one thing, but you deserve more than mere survival. You deserve freedom.

Here are some practical steps to prepare for your escape:

• Contact a Domestic Violence Shelter: They can help you create a personalized safety plan.
• Seek Legal Advice: Know your rights and what steps you need to take to protect yourself and your assets.
• Use Online Resources: Websites like Aimee Says offer guidance for domestic abuse victims.
• Save Money Secretly: Even if it’s small amounts, setting aside funds can help you transition when the time comes.
• Gather Important Documents: Keep copies of IDs, birth certificates, bank statements, and legal papers in a safe place.

You Are Already Surviving—Now It’s Time to Thrive

The fact that you are still here, reading this, proves that you are strong. You have already survived more than most people can imagine. But you don’t have to live in survival mode forever.

There is hope. There is a future beyond this. And one day, you will look back on this chapter of your life and realize: I made it out. I am free.

If you need more support, I invite you to join the Kaleidoscope. It’s a safe, supportive community where women just like you are finding the courage to break free and build the life they were meant to live. Visit joinflyingfree.com to learn more.

You are not alone. And you are not powerless. Keep moving forward—your freedom is waiting.