In this episode we’ll talk about a struggle that many Christian women face after leaving an emotionally abusive marriage—parenting children who sometimes exhibit the same unhealthy behaviors as their fathers.
Through real-life examples and compassionate insights, I explore why this happens, how mothers can reframe their perspectives, and practical steps they can take to strengthen their relationship with their children while continuing their healing journey.
Key Takeaways:
- Understanding why kids act like their father
- Reframing the perspective on kids’ behavior
- Healing yourself to better parent your child
- Practical parenting strategies
- Building a safe, loving home environment
How to Parent Your Children After Emotional Abuse: Breaking the Cycle
Parenting is hard. Parenting after emotional abuse? That can feel impossible.
Every day in my private Kaleidoscope community, I hear from Christian women navigating the painful reality of parenting children who are displaying the same emotionally immature behaviors as their fathers. These women are exhausted, triggered, and desperate for answers.
They worry their sons are turning into their fathers. They fear their daughters are learning to accept the same toxic patterns they endured for years. They don’t know how to set boundaries, discipline with love, or separate their own trauma from their child’s very normal developmental struggles.
If this is you, I want to reassure you: You are not alone, and you are not failing. You are a mother doing her best in an impossible situation, and there is hope.
Understanding Your Child’s Behavior: It’s Not the Same as Your Husband’s
The first step to breaking free from fear-based parenting is understanding the difference between a grown man who refuses to emotionally mature and a child who is still learning how to regulate their emotions.
Your abusive ex-husband expects you to manage his emotions for him. He relies on manipulation, anger, and gaslighting to maintain control. But your child? Your child is simply a child—one who needs guidance, safety, and connection in order to grow into a healthy adult.
When your child argues, blames, or acts dismissively, they are not becoming your ex-husband. They are behaving like children do when they don’t feel emotionally safe. And your response can either reinforce their emotional dysregulation or provide the security they need to develop true emotional maturity.
Triggers: When Your Child’s Behavior Feels Like Abuse
For many survivors, the hardest part of parenting post-abuse is managing their own triggers. When your child lashes out, it may feel eerily similar to the way your husband treated you. Your nervous system responds as if you are under attack.
This can lead to one of two common reactions:
- Withdrawal: You emotionally detach, avoiding your child because the interactions feel too painful.
- Lashing out: You react with anger, fear, or frustration, reinforcing the very cycle you’re trying to break.
Neither of these responses is your fault. Trauma rewires the brain, making it difficult to separate past abuse from present parenting struggles. But with awareness, you can begin to heal—and as you heal, your parenting will change, too.
Healing Yourself First: The Key to Better Parenting
Your child’s healing is directly tied to your own healing. If you are drowning in unprocessed trauma, you will parent from that place—reacting rather than responding, fearing rather than guiding.
The good news? You can begin shifting this dynamic today by focusing on three core principles:
- Self-Regulation: Learn how to calm your own nervous system before responding to your child. Deep breathing, grounding exercises, and therapy can help.
- Empathy Over Fear: Instead of fearing that your child is becoming their father, step into their perspective. What emotions are they experiencing? What do they need from you right now?
- Rebuilding Connection: Prioritize relationship over control. A strong parent-child bond is the most powerful antidote to the emotional damage of an abusive ex.
What to Say When Your Child Pushes Back
Many women in Kaleidoscope share that their children repeat their father’s words, blame them for the divorce, or even call them names. This is heartbreaking—but it doesn’t mean you are failing as a mother.
When this happens, try these responses:
- “I hear that you’re really upset. It’s okay to have big feelings about this.”
- “I know this is hard, and I love you no matter what.”
- “I understand why you feel that way. Can you tell me more?”
Notice that none of these responses argue, defend, or correct the child’s perception. Instead, they focus on validating feelings, maintaining connection, and providing safety—all things your child desperately needs, even when they don’t know how to express it.
Letting Go of Control: Your Child’s Relationship with Their Father
One of the most painful parts of post-abuse parenting is watching your child form a relationship with the very person who hurt you.
It’s tempting to try to control their perception, to make them see the truth, or to protect them from emotional harm. But here’s the hard truth: Your child will have to figure this out for themselves.
What you can control is your own relationship with your child.
- Be their safe place.
- Model emotional maturity.
- Show them, through your actions, what healthy love looks like.
Over time, they will feel the difference between their father’s conditional love and your unwavering, steady presence. And that difference will shape them in ways you may not see immediately, but that will matter immensely in the long run.
You Are Not Alone: Join the Kaleidoscope Community
Healing from emotional abuse is a long, painful journey. Doing it while parenting? Even harder. That’s why I created Kaleidoscope—a private, faith-based community for Christian women navigating life after emotional and spiritual abuse.
Inside, you’ll find:
- Support from other women who understand your struggles
- Coaching and resources to help you heal and grow
- Practical parenting strategies for raising emotionally healthy kids
If this resonates with you, I’d love to invite you to join us. Go to joinflyingfree.com to learn more.
Parenting after abuse is hard. But you are not alone. And with healing, time, and intentionality, you can raise emotionally healthy children—even in the aftermath of an abusive marriage.
Your healing matters. Your children’s future matters. And you are doing better than you think.
