Is Complementarianism Damaging the Mental Health of Christian Women? [Episode 334]

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Have you ever sat in a women’s Bible study, nodding politely while someone says “your husband is your spiritual covering,” and inside you’re thinking, I think I’m dying a little bit every time I say “yes, dear”?

In this episode, I get real about complementarianism, the nice-sounding theology that quietly hijacked our self-worth, autonomy, and sanity. I share how I was the poster child for it once (hello, Created to Be His Help Meet), and how that life script nearly destroyed my soul.

I’m unpacking the research, the psychology, the theology, and yes, the “are you kidding me right now?” stories from real women who’ve lived this. It’s systemic. And it’s deeply damaging.

What You’ll Learn: 

  • How complementarianism teaches learned helplessness (like, literal textbook psychology)
  • That a shocking number of women from these teachings suffer from anxiety, decision fatigue, and depression but think it’s a faith issue, not a mental health one
  • Why your pastor’s advice to “submit harder” is about as helpful as telling someone with a broken leg to “walk it off with a godly attitude”
  • That yes, the research confirms it: biblical womanhood theology messes with your brain
  • How to tell the difference between “conviction” and religious trauma

Related Resources:

Article: Is Complementarianism Hurting Christian Women? The Silent Mental Health Crisis in the Church

Have you ever sat in a women’s Bible study, nodding along while someone explained that your God-given role is to submit quietly, joyfully, and without question to your husband? I have. I even believed it for a long time. I read the books. I underlined the verses. I became the model complementarian wife. And I was dying inside.

Let’s talk about that.

(All research references are at the bottom of this page.)

The Quiet Destruction Behind “Biblical Womanhood”

Complementarianism is a theological framework that assigns men and women “equal but different” roles. In practice, this often translates to men holding authority and women submitting. Now, on the surface, that might sound orderly, even godly. But when paired with fundamentalism, it becomes a toxic stew that breeds confusion, emotional paralysis, and religious trauma.

When I was married, I was wired to lead. Not because I wanted to control, but because that’s how God made me. I initiate, I organize, I move. My husband was the opposite: steady, quiet, reserved. But the system we were in demanded we switch places. I had to dim down my natural instincts, and he had to rise into a role he didn’t want. What could go wrong?

A lot, it turns out.

Research Proves What Many of Us Already Know

When I began to question the teachings I had been fed since childhood, I thought maybe I was the problem. Maybe I was doing submission “wrong.” But then I started hearing from other women. Thousands of them. The stories were hauntingly similar.

Psychologist Marlene Winell coined the term “religious trauma syndrome” to describe symptoms like anxiety, depression, and decision paralysis in people leaving controlling religious environments. Sound familiar?

In fact, one study by Krause found that women in churches emphasizing female submission scored significantly lower in autonomy and self-esteem than those in more egalitarian communities.

And it’s not just about feelings. Johnson and Ferraro’s research uncovered that marriages with rigid gender roles showed higher rates of control-instigated abuse. That’s not just an unfortunate side effect. That’s a red flag. Especially when abuse is cloaked in religious language like, “I’m just leading our family as God commanded.”

Learned Helplessness Isn’t Submission—It’s Trauma

If you’ve been taught that questioning your husband is questioning God, and that your joy should come from submitting more deeply, your brain eventually adapts. You stop trying. That’s not obedience. That’s learned helplessness.

In one study, 78% of women who left complementarian marriages reported significant anxiety when making decisions without male approval, even years later.

I’ve worked with women who stood in grocery aisles, paralyzed by whether to buy one brand of peanut butter or another because of what their husband might say. Or worse, what God might think.

This isn’t spiritual formation. This is spiritual annihilation.

The Church’s Favorite Cop-Out: Blame the Woman

Let me guess. You’ve heard things like:

  • “You just need to submit with the right attitude.”
  • “Your unhappiness is a sign of spiritual immaturity.”
  • This is your cross to bear.”

I’ve heard them too. And here’s the thing: these responses don’t come from Jesus. They come from a system more interested in maintaining power than nurturing souls.

It’s gaslighting in a religious wrapper. You’re told that the crushing weight you feel is your fault. That you need to try harder. That your broken leg would heal if you just “walked harder.”

No, friend. That’s not how healing works.

A Faith That Forces Silence Isn’t Biblical. It’s Abusive

Let’s revisit Ephesians 5, the go-to passage for submission teachings. In the original Greek, the word “submit” isn’t even in verse 22. It’s carried over from verse 21: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

Mutual submission.

The Hebrew word ezer, often translated as “helper” in Genesis, is the same word used for God. It’s a word that denotes strength, not subordination.

Yet, many Christian women are taught that any voice, any desire, any autonomy is rebellion. One woman told me, “I spent so many years being who I was supposed to be, that I honestly don’t know who I actually am.”

If you’ve ever felt that, let me say: you are not crazy. You are not rebellious. You are not alone.

Real Stories. Real Pain.

Let me introduce you to “Sarah.” From the outside, her marriage looked picture-perfect. Inside, her husband made every decision, including what she wore to church. When she expressed emotional pain, her community told her to “find more joy in serving.”

Or “Rebecca,” who was required to hand over receipts for every penny she spent. When she resisted, her husband invoked Proverbs 31 to justify his control.

Or “Jennifer,” who was told her husband’s porn addiction was her fault because she wasn’t satisfying him enough. So she gave more of herself until she didn’t recognize her own body anymore.

This isn’t spiritual leadership. It’s spiritual duress.

What Now? Reclaiming Faith and Sanity

So where do we go from here?

1. Listen to Your Body

That headache? That tightness in your chest? That nausea when a pastor talks about “biblical roles”? That’s not rebellion. That’s your body waving a red flag. As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk says, The body keeps the score.”

2. Find Safe Conversations

Talk to someone who won’t shut you down. Whether it’s a trauma-informed therapist, a wise friend, or a community like Flying Free, you need a space where you’re not the villain for asking questions.

3. Read Other Voices

Books like The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire, The Making of Biblical Womanhood by Beth Allison Barr, and Jesus and John Wayne by Kristin Kobes Du Mez are great places to start. You’re not alone, and you’re not imagining this.

4. Practice Autonomy in Small Steps

Choose what you want to eat. Say no without guilt. Open your own bank account. Take up space. These aren’t acts of rebellion. They are things autonomous adults do, and if you haven’t been allowed to be an adult and do them, they become acts of healing.

5. Be Gentle With Yourself

Unraveling religious trauma is hard. You will feel grief. Doubt. Anger. And hope. Let it all come. Because underneath the debris of spiritual abuse is the real you, and she is worth discovering.

Final Word: You Are Not Broken. The System Is.

If complementarianism is leaving you anxious, ashamed, and disconnected from God, it may be time to ask: Is this what Jesus meant by “my yoke is easy and my burden is light”?

Because the Jesus I know doesn’t crush women under the weight of submission. He lifts them up, sees their worth, and says, “You are free.”

And you are.

References

Asch, S. E. (1956). Studies of independence and conformity: A minority of one against a unanimous majority. Psychological Monographs, 70(9).

Bancroft, L. (2002). Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. Berkley Books.

Barr, B. A. (2021). The making of biblical womanhood: How the subjugation of women became gospel truth. Brazos Press.

Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Clinical applications of attachment theory. Routledge.

Custis James, C. (2015). Half the church: Recapturing God’s global vision for women. Zondervan.

Davis, M. (2018). Psychological effects of complementarian doctrine on women’s identity development. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 46(2), 102-115.

Du Mez, K. K. (2020). Jesus and John Wayne: How white evangelicals corrupted a faith and fractured a nation. Liveright.

Gregoire, S. (2021). The great sex rescue: The lies you’ve been taught and how to recover what God actually says about sex. Baker Books.

Herman, J. (1992). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books.

Johnson, M.P., & Ferraro, K.J. (2000). Research on domestic violence in the 1990s: Making distinctions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(4), 948-963.

Krause, K. (2017). Psychological effects of complementarian theology on women’s self-esteem and mental health. Journal of Religion and Health, 56(2), 628-645.

Mahoney, R. (2020). Marital satisfaction and religious gender role beliefs: A comparative study. Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 42(1), 78-92.

Mowczko, M. (2018). Mutual submission in Ephesians 5:21 and its application in ephesians 5:22-6:9. Priscilla Papers, 32(3), 10-16.

Seligman, M.E.P. (1972). Learned helplessness. Annual Review of Medicine, 23, 407-412.

Tarico, V. (2014). Religious trauma and women’s mental health. Psychology Today.

van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

Walker, J. (2019). Decision-making autonomy in women transitioning from complementarian relationships. Journal of Gender Studies, 28(3), 305-317.

Winell, M. (2011). Religious trauma syndrome: Trauma from leaving religion. Journey Free.

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