You know how sometimes life gives you lemons and then instead of sugar for lemonade, the church hands you a moldy marriage book and says, “Submit harder”? That was my reality. In this episode, I take you back to a hotel room where I was nine months pregnant and seriously questioning if I wanted to keep living. 

Instead, I stumbled my way out of despair and into freedom thanks to a stack of books, a laptop, and eventually, the real God (not the mean knock-off version I had been worshiping).

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

• The two hotel rooms that changed everything: one where I nearly gave up, and one where I finally woke up.
• How books became my lifelines (thank you, Google rabbit holes).
• The moment I realized the “god” I was serving looked suspiciously like my abusive husband. 
• Why leaving my marriage also meant leaving behind a toxic image of God.
• What it really means to be a butterfly (It’s not about fluttering around in a meadow. It’s about fierce, unapologetic freedom).

Related Resources:

• All the Scary Little Gods:. I wrote my whole story in a spiritual memoir called All the Scary Little Gods. It’s breathed new life and hope into thousands of readers. If you are confused and finding it hard to find any peace or joy on your spiritual journey, this story could change your life. (And it’s easy to read and entertaining, too!)

• Who’s Pushing Your Buttons
• Foolproofing Your Life
• Check out a related Flying Free Podcast episode, “We Are Like the God We Worship,” and then check out my comprehensive list of the best books for Christian women in emotionally abusive marriages.

Article: Two Hotel Rooms, One Rescue Mission

I was nine months pregnant, sobbing all night in a hotel room, wondering if life was worth living. And let me tell you, when you’re the size of a small planet and contemplating your own funeral, something is very, very wrong.

Everyone had told me the same tired advice: submit harder, pray more, die to yourself. Apparently, if I just shrank small enough, quiet enough, and invisible enough, I would finally earn the gold medal for “Godly Wife.”

Except the God I was desperately trying to please looked a whole lot like my abuser: always disappointed, always demanding, always keeping score.

That night in the hotel, I wasn’t brave or even hopeful. I was hollow. And if you’ve ever been there, if you’ve ever thought your suffering was proof of your faith, friend, this is your wake-up call.

The Desperate Google Search That Changed Everything

The next morning, I dragged myself to a bookstore. No plan. No shower. Just desperation and a laptop. I started typing things into Google like:

• “Passive aggressive Christian husband”
• “My husband never says sorry”
• “Christian marriage falling apart after trying everything”

Sound familiar? 

At first, I didn’t find much. But eventually, I stumbled onto a little trail of breadcrumbs: Who’s Pushing Your Buttons by Dr. John Townsend. Then Foolproofing Your Life by Jan Silvious. 

Each book was like a cold glass of water in a desert. Finally, language for what I was drowning in. Words like emotional abuse. Spiritual manipulation. Gaslighting. Suddenly my pain had a name, and that name wasn’t “bad wife.”

And once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

Four Years Later: Another Hotel Room

Fast forward four years, and I found myself in another hotel room, but this time with stacks of journals from my marriage. I read through them like I was studying crime scene evidence.

I guess I was.

Because here’s what hit me: My abuse wasn’t just coming from my husband. It was coming from the version of God I had been handed by my church, my family, and every “biblical marriage” book that told me to shut up and serve.

That God (the small “g” god) demanded silence, submission, and suffering from me while handing grace and freedom to everyone else. Basically, he had the personality of my husband.

And that’s when I knew I had to leave both. My marriage and that fraudulent god.

When Everything Blows Up

Leaving blew up my world. My community. My “godly woman” reputation. My family’s approval. My church.

But you know what else it blew up? The prison walls around my soul.

Because on the other side of that false god, I met the real Creator God, the one who never once asked me to disappear to prove my devotion. The God who had been weeping with me all along, watching and loving me even when I couldn’t love myself.

That was the day I stopped surviving and started living.

What Healing Actually Looks Like

Here’s what I want you to know if you’re stuck in that same suffocating hotel room:

Healing from emotional and spiritual abuse doesn’t come from “trying harder,” keeping your mouth shut, or reading yet another marriage book that makes you feel like garbage.

It comes from learning how to think clearly, feel safely, and make grown-up decisions that align with your core values and the God who actually loves you.

What’s a Butterfly Anyway?

I call women who do this work butterflies.

A butterfly is a woman who used to live in silence and shame, but chose to rise into truth, confidence, and freedom. She stopped waiting for permission to believe her own pain and started trusting herself.

She no longer sacrifices her soul on the altar of someone else’s comfort. She no longer bows to a small, scary, abusive god who looks like her husband.

Instead, she spreads her wings. She is discerning, courageous, victorious. She makes choices rooted in dignity, wisdom, and grace. She stops apologizing for needing safety and peace.

A butterfly isn’t naïve, she’s wise. She isn’t rebellious, she’s brave. She isn’t a victim, she’s free.

And friend, that can be you.

Your Freedom Invitation

If you’re done with fear, guilt, and confusion… if you’re ready to stop apologizing for needing safety and peace… that’s why I created the Flying Free Kaleidoscope.

It’s a spiritually grounded, trauma-informed community with education and coaching designed specifically for Christian women healing from emotional and spiritual abuse. Think of it as your safe cocoon where you can grow your wings.

You don’t need permission to start. You just need a safe place. And I’ve built one for you at joinflyingfree.com.

And if now isn’t the time, you can still start your journey by grabbing my book, All the Scary Little Gods, where I tell the whole story of how I found freedom after a lifetime of abuse. You can find it on Amazon in paperback, Kindle, or Audible.

Final Word for My Fellow Butterflies

Here’s the deal: Jesus already made your freedom possible. You don’t need to disappear, die inside, or serve some angry little god in order to prove your faith.

You get to choose. You get to rise. You get to fly free.

And when you do, you’ll realize you were a butterfly all along.

XOXO,

Natalie