“He doesn’t hit you, so it must not be abuse.” Yeah, no. That tired old line needs to die.

This week, I sat down with Dr. Christine Cocchiola, a powerhouse expert on coercive control, the kind of abuse that doesn’t leave bruises but instead, destroys lives. Christine breaks down how abusers don’t need fists to dominate; they weaponize EVERYTHING from the court system, to churches, to your very own kids.

If you’ve ever been dismissed, disbelieved, or labeled “too angry,” this episode is a masterclass in seeing the invisible, calling it what it is, and taking your power back, even if you have to fake it ‘til you make it from the ICU of your life.

What You’ll Learn: 

• Why coercive control isn’t a form of abuse, it IS abuse. Period. Full stop.
• How abusers hide behind charisma, charm, and a well-timed Bible verse.
• The horrifying way the legal system often rewards abusers and punishes protective moms.
• How abuse affects children, even when it’s subtle, and especially when it’s court-sanctioned.
• Why your anger is holy fire, not a character defect.
• How to start healing and parenting differently, even while walking through hell with a diaper bag.

Related Resources:

• Check out Dr. Christine Cocchiola’s website.
• Connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.  
• Read FRAMED: Women in the Family Court Underworld, Dr. Cocchiola’s co-authored book. 
• Get her free map called Clinical Implications for Children Who Are Coercively Controlled
• Watch her recent TED Talk: It’s All Coercive Control

Christine M. Cocchiola, DSW, LCSW is an expert on the experiences of adult and child victims of coercive control. A college professor teaching social work, she received her doctorate in clinical social work from New York University working under the tutelage of Dr. Evan Stark. She presents nationally and internationally on the concept of coercive control with a focus on educating professionals, advocates, and protective parents, on the experiences of children and best intervention strategies for adult and child victims of coercive control/narcissistic abuse. Her Clinician Certification Training is ASWB approved for 14 CE’s. Dr. C is the creator of The Protective Parenting Program, a therapeutic evidence based attachment focused program for parents of children harmed by abusers and the co-author of FRAMED: Women in the Family Court Underworld.

Article: He Doesn’t Have to Hit You to Be Abusing You: The Truth About Coercive Control

Let’s clear something up right away: If you’re still looking for a black eye before you give yourself permission to call it abuse, stop. You don’t need a bruise to prove that what’s happening behind closed doors is real.

Welcome to the masterclass in mind games, otherwise known as coercive control.

I had the honor of sitting down with Dr. Christine Cocchiola, expert extraordinaire in the insidious ways abusers maintain control without ever lifting a finger, at least not in public. If you’ve ever felt like the crazy one, like you’re walking on eggshells while everyone around you praises your “amazing” husband or “godly” church leader, buckle up. You’re not alone, and you’re definitely not crazy.

What If Coercive Control Isn’t Just One Kind of Abuse, but the Blueprint for All of It?

There’s this adorable little misconception floating around that coercive control is just one flavor in the Neapolitan ice cream of abuse. “There’s physical abuse, emotional abuse, and oh yes, coercive control.”

Wrong.

Coercive control is the whole freaking recipe. It’s the foundation on which all other forms of abuse are built. Emotional abuse? Check. Financial abuse? Check. Legal abuse, spiritual abuse, parental alienation? Check, check, and what-the-heck-how-is-this-legal check.

People don’t enter relationships swinging fists. They enter by charming, controlling, and slowly chipping away at your autonomy like a sculptor with a chisel and a god complex.

Can Someone Be Dangerous Without Ever Raising Their Voice?

Contrary to what Hollywood has taught us, abuse doesn’t always look like a sweaty guy yelling with veins bulging out of his neck. Sometimes, it looks like a guy in a suit and tie, quoting Bible verses, dropping the kids off at Sunday School, and smiling for family photos while simultaneously weaponizing your own children, your church, and your mental health against you.

If you’re a Christian woman trying to make sense of why your godly husband’s “leadership” feels like slow death, it’s probably because it is.

He may never scream or hit, but does he:

• Undermine your decisions?
• Control your access to money?
• Guilt-trip you into sex?
• Turn your kids against you subtly over time?
• Charm everyone else while you silently unravel?

Yeah. That’s not “a difficult marriage.” That’s coercive control.

Is It Really Abuse If You Can’t See It?

Here’s a fun fact I learned from Dr. Cocchiola: feminist psychologists in the 1970s called this kind of abuse psychological warfare. And it is. One of the examples was research from the 1950s showing that even strong, trained military men could be broken down to confess things they didn’t do, all through psychological manipulation. So if you’re wondering why you’re crying in the closet while your husband looks like Mr. Rogers to everyone else, that’s why.

Coercive control is slow, subtle, and incredibly effective at destroying lives, especially when you’re gaslit into believing it’s all your fault.

What Happens When the Church Becomes an Abuser’s Stage?

Oh yes, let’s talk about our lovely religious systems for a moment.

Do you know how many women I’ve worked with who were retraumatized not by their husbands, but by their churches? If you go to your pastor or elder board for help and are told to “submit more” or “have more faith” or “watch your tone,” you’ve just discovered that spiritual abuse is real, and your abuser is using God as a weapon.

Yes, I’m angry. You should be too.

Why Are Victims Always the Angry Ones?

Let’s be clear about something: when a woman finally gets mad after years of smiling and submitting and trying to make things work, it doesn’t mean she’s “hysterical.” It means she’s finally coming to life.

In the episode above, I shared a story about my own church experience, how after decades of holding it together, I finally showed up in desperation, shaking, angry, pleading. And they dismissed me. Labeled me. Turned the narrative around so I was the villain. Sound familiar?

If your abuser is subtle and your reactions aren’t, you’ll be the one painted as the problem. This is why understanding coercive control is life-changing.

How Are Our Kids Affected by Coercive Control?

Oh honey, don’t even get me started.

If you’ve been divorced from an abuser and your kids still have to go back and forth, you’re watching in real-time as your ex rewires their brains to doubt you, side with him, and normalize dysfunction. Sometimes he’s the scary authoritarian. Other times, he’s the “fun dad” with weed and late curfews. Either way, it’s about undermining you. It’s about stealing your kids’ ability to develop internal validation and critical thinking.

Coercive control creates children who either fawn, fight, or freeze. Who cope through self-harm, addiction, perfectionism, or people-pleasing so extreme they grow up thinking love means sacrificing yourself.

So What Can You Actually Do?

You can wake up. You can trust your gut. You can stop asking permission to name your pain. You can stop accommodating. You can learn how to re-parent your kids while parenting yourself. You can get support. (And if your therapist is gaslighting you? Fire them. I mean it.)

And if you need a community of women who’ve been through the same hell and lived to tell the tale? Come join us at Flying Free.

Because once you name coercive control for what it is, once you stop pretending that “it’s not that bad,” you get access to something far better than survival.

You get freedom.

And friend, freedom looks good on you.

XOXO,

Natalie