Has your inbox turned into a dumpster fire of accusatory texts from your abuser?
In this episode, I hand you a step-by-step strategy to shut down the inner emotional chaos without getting dragged into the mud pit with him. It’s not just about survival. It’s about winning (for YOU!)
What We Cover in This Episode:
- What to do when your abuser won’t stop texting lies, and the courts won’t let you block him
- How to stop reacting and start playing offense with your own sanity-protecting strategy
- Why your emotional reaction is his favorite snack (and how to starve that monster)
- The magic of radical acceptance. No, he’s not going to wake up one day and be Prince Charming
- Why sarcasm is satisfying but not strategic (sorry, my fellow sass queens)
- A game-plan that builds a rock-solid paper trail, perfect for court receipts and your peace of mind
- How to rewire your nervous system before you even read his garbage texts
Related Resources:
- Check out Aimee Says for help wading through the word salad your abuser is throwing at you.
- Listen to some other Flying Free episodes, including “Winning Child Custody & Divorce Battles” and “How to Respond to Emotional Abuse Tactics.”
Article: How Do You Outsmart Someone’s Word Salad (Without Losing Your Sanity)?
Let’s talk about relentless harassing texts: the human equivalent of a blender full of guilt, manipulation, and emotional sludge.
If you’re co-parenting (read: surviving court-mandated communication with a narcissistic man-child), you can’t just block him, even though every cell in your body wants to. You’re stuck reading his masterclass in emotional dysregulation, wondering if you’re in a co-parenting relationship or starring in your own psychological thriller.
Sound familiar?
One of our Kaleidoscope members recently shared her own struggle with this. Her ex keeps lobbing lies via text like he’s in the Abuser Olympics. She’s scared. She feels helpless. She can’t defend herself, and sister, I get it. I’ve been there. Not with my exes (thankfully), but with another person in my life who decided that texting me emotionally manipulative word salads was their favorite hobby.
Let me tell you what finally broke the cycle: radical acceptance… and a solid strategy. And today, I’m going to show you how to become the master game player in this psychological warfare. Because let’s be real: If you’ve got to play the game, you might as well play it like a boss.
What’s the First Power Move You Can Make When Someone is Sending Harassing Text Messages?
Before we dive into strategy, you need to know this: You are not going to reason with a person who thrives on chaos. If you’re waiting for a “meeting of the minds,” you might as well wait for Santa to show up.
So here’s what you do need to accept:
- This person is incapable of healthy communication. Stop expecting it. Seriously. Take that expectation and write it on a sticky note.
- Your emotional reactions are his favorite snack. Every time you defend, explain, or get riled up, you feed the monster. He doesn’t want resolution, he wants your chaos. Stop serving it to him on a silver platter.
Got it? Good. Now here’s how you win the game.
What’s the 3-Step Strategy for Responding to Harassing Texts Like a Boss?
1. How Do You Calm Yourself Before the Chaos?
Before you open his texts, center yourself like the queen you are. No, I’m not saying you need a crystal or a Himalayan salt lamp. But your nervous system needs to know: You’re safe. You’re in control. You’ve got this.
Try some of these sensory strategies to ground yourself in the present:
- Take three deep, grounding breaths.
- Light a candle. (I’ll tell you why this actually helps in the episode above.)
- Put on relaxing music.
- Spritz some lavender or peppermint. Or Febreze. I’m not here to judge.
Then say to yourself: This is a game. I am the master player. I am not here to lose today.
2. How Do You Read a Toxic Text Without Losing Your You-Know-What?
Read his text like it’s written in invisible ink, and only one sentence shows up: the logistical question about your kids.
Everything else? White noise.
Did he accuse you of poisoning the dog, sabotaging the school play, and plotting to ruin his life? Yawn. Skip it. Find the actual question (“What time is soccer practice?”) and respond ONLY to that.
Pro tip: If you can’t even figure out what the question is because it’s buried under five pounds of abusive word vomit, try the AI tool Aimee Says. It’ll pull the question out of the mess for you. It’s like having a trauma-informed friend in your pocket.
3. How Do You Respond Without Feeding the Beast?
This is where the magic happens. Your response should be:
- Short
- Polite
- Emotionally neutral
- Only addressing the logistical info
Let’s go back to that earlier example. His text is three paragraphs of drama with a line that says, “Why does Johnny have a runny nose?”
Your response: “Johnny has a cold virus. Thanks for checking.”
Boom. You win that round.
Why Does This Strategy Work (and Drive Him Absolutely Bonkers)?
- You cut off his emotional fuel supply. He wants your reaction. When you don’t give it, he spirals and you stay serene.
- You build an ironclad paper trail. His unhinged texts sit side-by-side with your mature, calm replies. You look like the reasonable adult. He looks like the unhinged gremlin. Bonus points in court!
- Your politeness reveals his dysfunction. I mean, what’s more frustrating to an abuser than not being able to get a rise out of you? Stay classy, buttercup.
What Are Some Extra Pro Tips to Win Every Round?
- No sarcasm. I know, I know, it’s tempting. But sarcasm is emotional. Emotional = he wins that round. Save your snark for me and the podcast.
- Use “Your opinion is noted.” A classy, deadpan response you can recycle forever. (Thanks, Tina Swithin!)
- Reward yourself. Seriously. Put a dollar in a “Survivor Queen” jar every time you nail this. When it’s full, buy something that makes you feel alive. Spa day, fancy candle, or a murder mystery novel. You earned it.
What About Your Safety and Legal Protection?
This strategy works in situations where you’re required to stay in contact, like court-ordered co-parenting. If you aren’t sharing custody, and you can go no-contact, do it. Always prioritize your safety, and work with a trauma-informed therapist if you’re unsure.
This isn’t about being a doormat. It’s about being strategically powerful. You’re not ignoring abuse. You’re starving it. You’re documenting it. You’re showing, not telling, who the real problem is.
And best of all? You get to walk away with your dignity, your peace, and your sanity still intact.
To get all the details about this strategy, listen or watch the full episode above.
Where Can You Get More Help Like This?
If you’re ready to go from “I don’t know how to survive this” to “I’ve got this handled, thanks,” come work with me. I’ll teach you everything I know. It’s not $200/hour therapy. It’s a full year of everything you need to transform the way you think, feel, and show up for just $290.
Apply now at joinflyingfree.com and become part of our strategic, healing Kaleidoscope community.
XOXO,
Natalie
