Ever looked around your post-divorce life and thought, “Who even am I without that man-child?” Same. In this episode, Diana and I peel back the layers of Christian programming, people-pleasing trauma responses, and overfunctioning-for-Jesus syndrome to tackle the real question: Who am I when I’m not trying to fix someone else’s broken masculinity?

Together, we talk about identity loss in marriage, the process of deprogramming, and how to reclaim your God-given essence one small boundary and one journal prompt at a time. With warmth and truth bombs, this conversation is basically free therapy.

Key Takeaways:

• Identity Loss Is Real: Many Christian women completely lose their sense of self trying to uphold “biblical” marriage roles that were never their actual calling.
• Trauma Rewires Your Brain: Survival mode builds false identities. Safe spaces let you rebuild your real one.
• Boundaries ≠ Being Mean: Saying “no” is how you say “yes” to yourself. And Jesus had them too. #JustSaying
• If You Always Say “I Don’t Know”: You might be disconnected from your identity. Start by asking, “What do I need right now?”
• You Deserve Good Things: Not because you’re perfect, but because you’re a beloved child of God. Period. No asterisks.
• Mothering Yourself Is a Game-Changer: Want to be a better mom, friend, or human? Start with being a better mom to you.

Try This at Home: 

Feeling disconnected? Journal through these questions:

• What do I need right now?
• How can I help myself with that?
• What did you love as a little girl before anyone told you who to be?
• What are 5 adjectives that describe the woman you want to become?
• Where do you feel most alive?
• If no one else had an opinion, what would you do differently this week?

Related Resources:

• Feel like a hot mess after divorce? This 5-Day Workshop will teach you a mind-shift tool to help you learn a powerful way to manage your thoughts and emotions in order to navigate adult decisions with clarity and peace. 
• Flying Higher (https://joinflyinghigher.com) is my live mentorship program for any Christian woman interested in 10Xing their self-development progress.

• Check out Diana’s podcast, The Renew Your Mind Podcast.
• Go get a copy of Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend.

Article: Who Am I Without Him? Reclaiming Your Identity After Christian Divorce

So, there you are. Standing in your newly empty kitchen, staring at a can of soup like it holds the answer to life, wondering not just what to make for dinner, but who the heck you even are anymore.

Welcome to Christian divorce, where the soup is cold and the identity crisis is hot.

If you’ve found yourself asking, “Who am I without him?” you’re not crazy, weak, or faithless. You’re just waking up.

And girl, welcome back.

The Identity Crisis No One Warned You About

Let’s cut to the chase: Christian culture does a bang-up job of teaching women how to be wives, mothers, helpers, ministry volunteers, potluck hostesses, and professional doormats. 

But it rarely teaches us how to be ourselves.

And so, when the marriage ends, we don’t just lose a relationship, we lose a role. A title. A script. And for many of us, it feels like we lost the whole dang plot.

Like Diana said in our podcast episode, “If our marriage is okay, we’re okay. If it’s not, we’re not.” That’s not just a belief, it’s a trauma bond dressed up in Christian doctrine. You know, the one about “becoming one flesh”? Yeah, that’s great until the other half is dragging you down into emotional quicksand and telling you it’s your biblical duty to smile through it.

How We Got Here: People-Pleasing, Programming, and Patriarchy

We weren’t born unsure of ourselves. Remember when you were a little girl doing silly dances in the living room, unconcerned about who was watching? Then life started handing out roles: “Be quiet.” “Be useful.” “Be submissive.” “Don’t be too much.”

Some of us learned early that being loved meant being what other people needed. What they expected. We became spiritual chameleons shifting to whatever color would keep the peace. And church culture, God bless it, often cheered us on as we erased ourselves.

I see it in my Flying Free program all the time. Women paralyzed over what color to paint their living room because they’re not even sure what they like anymore. And we’re not talking about indecision over “eggshell vs. ivory”—we’re talking about an identity in hiding.

When “I Don’t Know” Becomes Your Mantra

One of the biggest red flags that you’re disconnected from yourself? The phrase, “I don’t know.”

“I don’t know what I want to do next.”
“I don’t know how to decorate my new place.”
“I don’t know what I like to eat.”

Guess what? That’s not you being indecisive. That’s trauma. That’s years of outsourcing your thoughts, feelings, and choices to someone else because it felt safer that way.

But now? It’s time to start reclaiming.

Reclaiming Your Identity: It’s Sacred. And Also Kinda Messy.

Let me be crystal clear: reclaiming your identity after divorce is not a one-and-done Pinterest-worthy glow-up. You will not find yourself in one yoga session, three journaling prompts, and a motivational quote on Instagram.

This is a slow, sacred, soul-level excavation.

And yeah, it’s messy.

You might feel like a middle schooler trying on identities. (Do I like country music now? Was that a weird kombucha phase or do I actually like ginger?) That’s okay. Experiment. Throw spaghetti at the wall. See what sticks. Most of it won’t. That’s part of the fun.

The goal isn’t perfection—it’s connection. To yourself. To the essence of who God created you to be.

The Truth About Boundaries (Head’s up: They’re Not “Unchristian”)

Somewhere along the way, someone told you boundaries were “selfish” or “not biblical.” Probably the same someone who benefited from your lack of them.

Let me remind you: boundaries are not mean. Boundaries are clarity. Boundaries are kindness. Boundaries are the scaffolding that allows your soul to grow without collapsing under everyone else’s expectations.

Every time you say no to something that violates your values, you are reinforcing your identity.

Every time you say, “That doesn’t work for me,” instead of “Sure, I’ll do it,” while dying a little inside, you’re telling yourself, “Hey, I see you. You matter.”

When Trauma Rewires Who You Think You Are

Let’s not forget: if you spent years surviving in an emotionally or spiritually abusive marriage, your identity has been rewired around coping strategies.

You became who you needed to be to stay safe. To stay married. To stay sane.

That’s not weakness. That’s survival.

But now that you’re safe? Those same strategies might be working against you. People-pleasing, silencing yourself, ignoring your needs…these are not badges of Christian virtue. They’re residue. It’s time to clean house.

Self-Reclamation: The Holy Practice of Coming Home to You

At the end of the day, self-reclamation isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about coming home to the you that’s always been there, buried under the rubble.

It’s the little girl who loved organizing groups or making people laugh.

It’s the woman who’s creative, wise, funny, and alive when she’s podcasting, painting, dancing, or heck, even just eating dinner alone without feeling like a social failure.

You don’t have to do it all at once. You don’t need a five-year plan. Start small:

• Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?”
• Follow it with, “How can I help you?”
• Journal: “What did I love before the world told me who to be?”
• Make a list of your values, and start making decisions based on those.

This is not selfish. This is stewardship.

You Deserve a Life That Reflects Who You Are

And I mean “deserve” in the holy, blood-bought, image-of-God sense—not the “you earned it by being good enough” sense.

You deserve love, joy, and peace because you exist. Because God made you. Because your very essence is worthy—not your resume, your relationship status, or your reputation at church.

And in case no one’s told you lately: everyone deserves a chance to fly.

Even you.

Especially you.

Come work with me and hundreds of other divorced Christian women in Flying Higher.

And be sure to check out Diana’s podcast, Renew Your Mind, for weekly brain-rewiring magic!