When Christian Women Hurt Christian Women
When Women Live Authentically
She told the latest fool she was dating to take a hike. She was in her early 30s, divorced from an abusive and chronically unfaithful first husband, and raising two children by herself. She longed to be married and have a good role model for her children, but so far she had only dated men who look great at first, but under the facade was a controlling bully.
This last one seemed to be “the one.” She ignored the tiny red flags she was seeing as their relationship progressed, and it finally got to the point where they were discussing marriage. Then she bought a house in a neighborhood they had talked about living in. To her surprise and total confusion, he went into a rage when he found out. He told her she had no right to go and buy a house without consulting him. He told her he couldn’t trust her anymore. He pouted and threw a fit. He lost control of his new toy, and it made him mad. She showed up as a real, living, breathing, adult woman.
He wanted a doll he could pose however he chose.
She realized as she looked back on their relationship that he had been pouty before when he didn’t get his way. He had told her the man should be in charge. She wasn’t raising her boys right. He would do a better job. Lots of little things. Tiny criticisms. Small pouts. But this over-the-top anger over her buying her own house with her own money (she was an adult working woman with boys to raise and decisions to make) woke her up to see his true colors. He was just another controlling rageaholic. And she let him go.
I’ve talked to women who are finally free from their abusive partner, but they are scared of making the same mistake. They want someone who will know them. The REAL woman they are. They don’t want the pressure to become someone different just to please someone else.
When Christian Women Hurt Christian Women
One of the most destructive books for Christian women on the market is Created to Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl.
If you boiled her message down to a strong, concentrated poison, it would be this: “Women, the purpose of your existence is to make a man happy. If he isn’t happy, it’s all your fault, and God’s not happy with you. Do what it takes. Bow and scrape. Obey no matter what. Be a slut for him, if that’s what turns him on. If he is into porn, you’re not doing your job. He doesn’t like your hair? Change it. He wants you to have long fingernails? Grow them. If he can’t pay the rent or if he lets the house go, then get off your butt and do something yourself to pay the rent and keep up with the house. But you make that man happy. Happy. Happy.”
But what happens when a woman can’t make her husband happy? What happens when no matter what she does or how hard she tries, he finds fault? What happens when she gets sick and can’t make the rent for her lazy man’s happiness? What happens if her husband is a broken person with a personality disorder? What happens if he is addicted to drugs, food, porn, work, or alcohol? Is she supposed to become co-dependent, like he is? Is that God’s purpose for her life? Is that how she will bring life and healing to her husband and children? Is that how she will help them and herself be free to become all that God made them to be?
Sisters, it isn’t just men who promote these destructive messages. Women are doing it, too. And I think the women have more influence on one another than the men have on the women.
Satan hates both men and women. He wants to destroy both sexes and will use lies to do that. He’ll try to get men to despise, control, and use women. He’ll try to get women to despise, control, and use men. There are two ways to fall off this horse.
When Women Worship Men Instead of God
We believe a lie if we think that a married woman’s husband is the equivalent of God to her. God lets her know what He (God) wants when her husband lets her know what he (the husband) wants? Sorry, but that’s man-worship, plain and simple. Worshiping a man is not spiritual or healthy. It’s dysfunctional. So is worshiping a woman.
What solves the problem? What keeps us in the saddle on this one?
- Putting God where He belongs and people where they belong. Remember – there is only ONE mediator between God and every single human on the planet, including every FEMALE human. And that’s Jesus Christ. And it doesn’t matter if you are male or female, you have the Holy Spirit with you at all times, and you get your mail from Him. Directly. Not through someone else.
- Turning away from the lust for power and control (wanting what we want, when we want it) and turning toward love.
Sometimes this means standing up to our husbands and saying, “No.” Sometimes this means letting them be uncomfortable when you can’t meet every single need on demand. (It’s okay if people get upset when they don’t get their way. Really, it is.)
How will a husband learn to run to God if his wife always feels a need to protect him from God’s Providences? When a man makes a mistake and the wife covers for him, she isn’t doing him a favor by protecting him from growing up into emotional adulthood. Sure, he gets a temporary “happy” pill, but in the long run, a wife is only harming him, not helping him.
There is a law of sowing and reaping. God is the One Who put that law into motion. When wives go in and trouble shoot for their husbands when they sow immorality or hatred or abuse or hypocrisy or deception, they are, in effect, saying to God, “I know better than You do what should be done here. I am doing what is best for my man. I will “help” him by covering up for him and making him happy when he’s lost in his sin cuz that’s what some lady told me to do, and she should know.”
We shouldn’t fear men (or women) more than God. I think there is a perverted form of submission being sold by Christian women to Christian women these days, and it is leaving a heap of destroyed women and children in its wake. There are abusers and there are those who enable abuse.
Let’s educate ourselves with Truth and pass that along to our daughters so they can have a better shot at a healthy marriage relationship down the road. One that is marked by Christian love and respect that goes both ways.