Broken Trust: When Church Hurts You [Episode 315]

In this eye-opening episode, Natalie shares her personal story of spiritual abuse and excommunication, offering a powerful backdrop for her conversation with author and spiritual consultant, Remy Diederich. Together, they delve into the dynamics of toxic faith, spiritual abuse, and how unhealthy church cultures can harm individuals and families.

Remy, the author of Broken Trust, shares insights from his decades of ministry experience and his passion for helping people heal from spiritual abuse. Whether you’re grappling with toxic religious environments or recovering from years of harmful teachings, this episode offers hope, practical advice, and a fresh perspective.

Key Takeaways:

• Understanding Spiritual Abuse: Spiritual abuse often involves toxic leadership that weaponizes faith to control, manipulate, or shame individuals.
• Toxic Faith vs. Spiritual Abuse: Toxic faith is the belief that you must perform or meet certain standards to please God, while spiritual abuse occurs when leaders use those beliefs to exploit or control others.
• The Impact of Spiritual Abuse on Relationships: Abuse within churches often mirrors abusive dynamics in families, leading to distrust, division, and confusion.
• Healing from Spiritual Abuse: Recovery begins with identifying harmful patterns, stepping away if necessary, and seeking support through books, therapy, and supportive communities.
• The Power of Questioning Toxic Narratives: It’s okay to question teachings and leaders. Faith flourishes when it’s rooted in personal connection with God, not human-made rules.

Related Resources: 

• Read one (or all) of Remy’s books: Broken Trust, Healing the Hurts of Your Past, Return From Exile, and Stuck are some of my favorites. 
• Connect with Remy on his site. 
• Go visit Remy over on YouTube. 
• Email Remy at remy@readingremy.com to request an audiobook code (limited supply).
• Check out Be Emboldened for support as you recover from spiritual abuse.
• Related article and episode: “Bethlehem Baptist Church Is Not Safe for Emotionally Abused Women,” and “Is Your Church Safe?”

Remy is a seasoned pastor and spiritual consultant with a heart for helping others overcome life’s challenges. Over his three decades of ministry, he’s authored six books that offer practical guidance and spiritual support for those seeking healing and connection to God. Remy’s expertise extends beyond the pulpit. He’s spent 24 years as a spiritual consultant at an addiction treatment center, where he’s witnessed firsthand the transformative power of faith and hope. Today, Remy dedicates his time to empowering pastors to build healthy church cultures and coaching individuals on the themes of his books. A lifelong resident of Minneapolis, Minnesota, Remy is married with three adult children. His passion for helping others shines through in his writing, speaking, and counseling.

Article: Broken Trust: When Church Hurts You

For many, the church is a sanctuary—a place of love, connection, and spiritual growth. But what happens when the very place you turn to for safety becomes a source of harm? Spiritual abuse, a form of manipulation and control within religious environments, often leaves victims feeling isolated, confused, and questioning their faith. In this article, inspired by Natalie Hoffman’s interview with Remy Diedrich, author of Broken Trust, we’ll explore how spiritual abuse manifests, how it impacts individuals and families, and practical steps for healing and recovery.

What Is Spiritual Abuse?

Spiritual abuse occurs when religious leaders or communities misuse their authority to control, manipulate, or harm others. Often cloaked in religious language, it creates an environment where questioning authority is labeled as rebellion, and personal autonomy is sacrificed for “obedience.”

According to Diedrich, spiritual abuse often intertwines with toxic faith, a system where people believe they must earn God’s love through perfect behavior or strict adherence to human-made rules. This belief fosters guilt, shame, and anxiety, trapping individuals in a cycle of self-doubt.

Signs of Spiritual Abuse in Churches

Identifying spiritual abuse can be challenging, especially if it’s been normalized in your religious environment. Here are key signs to look for:

1. Rigid Control
   Leaders dictate personal decisions, from relationships to daily routines, claiming it’s “God’s will.”
2. Isolation
   Outsiders are labeled as dangerous or ungodly, creating a culture of insularity. You’re discouraged from seeking perspectives outside the group.
3. No Room for Questions
   Disagreeing with leadership is equated with being “unteachable” or sinful.
4. Exploitation of Vulnerability
   Attempts to share struggles or seek help are met with shame or exploitation rather than compassion.
5. Unhealthy Emphasis on Authority
   Leaders present themselves as God’s ultimate representatives, demanding unquestioning loyalty and obedience.
6. Rules Over Relationship
   The focus shifts from fostering a genuine relationship with God to rigidly following human-made rules.

If you’ve experienced these behaviors, you’re not alone. Many have walked this painful road but found hope and healing on the other side.

The Emotional Toll of Spiritual Abuse

Spiritual abuse doesn’t just harm your relationship with the church; it deeply affects your emotional well-being and personal relationships. As Natalie Hoffman noted, women often feel this acutely, especially in environments where rigid gender roles exist. The constant gaslighting and dismissal of their concerns can lead to feelings of confusion, self-blame, and shame.

In families, spiritual abuse can drive a wedge between spouses, especially if one partner senses the toxicity while the other remains unaware. As Diedrich explained, men often overlook abuse in churches because it may not directly affect them in the same way it impacts women. This divide can create tension, with one partner striving to leave a harmful environment while the other clings to it.

Steps to Break Free and Heal

Breaking free from spiritual abuse requires courage, self-reflection, and practical steps toward healing. Whether you’re still in an abusive environment or recovering after leaving, here’s how to start the journey:

1. Step Back and Gain Perspective

Taking a break from the toxic environment can provide clarity. Visit other churches, listen to different voices, or step away entirely to reflect on what feels true and healthy for your spiritual journey.

2. Educate Yourself

Knowledge is power. Read books on spiritual abuse, like Broken Trust by Remy Diedrich, or explore resources like podcasts and blogs. Understanding the dynamics of abuse can validate your experience and help you name what you’re facing.

3. Seek Healthy Relationships

Healing happens in safe, supportive communities. Find individuals or groups who will listen without judgment and encourage your growth. Programs like Natalie Hoffman’s Flying Free community offer a space for women recovering from abuse to share their journeys and access practical tools for healing.

4. Address Your Relationship with God

Spiritual abuse often distorts your view of God, making Him seem punitive or distant. Begin rebuilding your relationship with God by seeking His love and grace apart from the toxic messages you’ve been taught.

5. Consider Therapy or Coaching

A therapist or spiritual coach experienced in spiritual abuse can help you unravel harmful beliefs, process your emotions, and rebuild your confidence. Diedrich highlights the importance of finding someone who understands the unique dynamics of spiritual abuse.

6. Set Boundaries

If you choose to stay in your church or return to a similar environment, set clear boundaries to protect yourself. This might mean limiting your involvement or being selective about who you trust.

Moving Forward: Faith Beyond Abuse

One of the biggest challenges survivors face is disentangling their faith from the abusive systems they’ve left behind. You may wonder, “Can I still be a Christian without a church?” or “Is my relationship with God valid outside of this framework?”

The answer is a resounding yes. As Hoffman and Diedrich both emphasize, your faith doesn’t depend on human institutions. You are deeply loved and valued by God, regardless of where you worship or whether you fit into someone else’s mold of a “good Christian.”

Final Thoughts

Spiritual abuse can leave deep scars, but it doesn’t have to define your faith journey. By stepping back, seeking support, and educating yourself, you can begin to heal and rediscover a God who is loving, safe, and freeing.

If you’re ready to take the first step toward healing, start by exploring resources like Broken Trust, the Kaleidoscope program, or therapy with someone experienced in spiritual abuse recovery. You deserve a faith that uplifts and empowers you—not one that tears you down.