In this episode, we’ll tackle one of Christianity’s most misunderstood topics: divorce, especially for women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages. If you’ve ever been told “God hates divorce” or felt trapped in a harmful marriage because of church teachings, today’s episode is specifically for you.

We’ll look at research by Dr. Valerie Hobbs that exposes how conservative Christian sermons frame divorce and why that framing often doesn’t match reality. 

You’ll discover:

• The shocking disconnect between how pastors talk about divorce versus the actual reasons women initiate it
• Biblical truths about divorce that many churches conveniently leave out 
• How spiritual manipulation keeps women trapped in abusive marriages and why that’s not what God wants for you

I’m bringing receipts from both research and Scripture to help you understand God’s true heart for those suffering in harmful relationships. If you’re questioning what you’ve been taught or need encouragement to make a difficult decision, I’m here to remind you that your safety and wellbeing matter to God.

Related Resources: 

• Dr. Valerie Hobbs’ groundbreaking study that I used for this episode, “The Discourse of Divorce in Conservative Christian Sermons.”
• Some related Flying Free Podcast episodes you may be interested in: “God Doesn’t Hate ALL Divorce,” “How Do I Know if Divorce Is the Right Choice for Me?” and “How To Tell Your Kids You’re Getting Divorced.”

Article: What God REALLY Says About Divorce for Women in Abusive Marriages: The Truth Churches Keep Hidden

Have you ever sat in a church pew, heart pounding, as your pastor declared that “God hates divorce” – making you feel like your desire to escape your abusive marriage was somehow worse than the pain you endure every day? Have you wondered if leaving your emotionally abusive husband really is the sin everyone makes it out to be?

I understand that feeling all too well. The crushing weight of religious expectations coupled with an abusive marriage creates a prison that feels impossible to escape. But what if I told you that much of what we’ve been taught about divorce in conservative Christian circles isn’t actually biblical at all?

Today, I want to share some eye-opening research that completely transforms how we should view divorce, especially for women in abusive marriages. This isn’t just my opinion—it’s backed by solid research from Dr. Valerie Hobbs’ groundbreaking study, “The Discourse of Divorce in Conservative Christian Sermons.”

Why You Need to Watch This Video

Before diving deeper into the blog post, here’s why you should watch the full video or listen to this episode:

• You’ll discover the shocking disconnect between what pastors preach about divorce and what the Bible actually says about protecting the vulnerable and oppressed
• You’ll learn how church teachings on divorce have been weaponized against women, keeping them trapped in dangerous and soul-crushing marriages
• You’ll hear the real reasons women initiate divorce (spoiler: it’s rarely for selfish reasons, despite what many pastors claim)
• You’ll find freedom from spiritual manipulation that has likely kept you feeling guilty and trapped
• You’ll gain powerful biblical support for leaving an abusive situation, giving you the spiritual permission you may have been seeking

The Startling Truth About How Churches Frame Divorce

Dr. Valerie Hobbs didn’t just casually listen to a few sermons. She conducted deep research into how conservative Christian pastors talk about divorce, and what she found reveals a troubling pattern that keeps women trapped in harmful marriages.

Her research uncovered two major themes:

First, divorce is presented as a “highly restricted space”—something nearly impossible to justify, surrounded by endless rules and restrictions. This framing makes women feel they have no legitimate way out, no matter how terrible their situation.

Second, and perhaps most shocking, divorce is predominantly framed as “male.” Pastors overwhelmingly discuss divorce as something men initiate, rarely acknowledging women as active agents in the process. This is despite the fact that women initiate two-thirds of all divorces, including in Christian marriages.

This disconnect between pulpit and reality has devastating consequences. It creates a culture where women seeking divorce—even from abusive situations—are viewed with suspicion and judgment, while men’s decisions to leave are often more readily accepted.

Why Women vs. Men Seek Divorce: The Truth Churches Don’t Tell You

Here’s something you won’t hear in most sermons: the reasons women and men file for divorce are dramatically different.

When women file for divorce, research shows it’s usually about survival, not selfishness:

1. Abuse (Physical, Emotional, or Spiritual) – The number one reason women leave is to protect themselves and their children

2. Infidelity – When men break their vows through cheating

3. Substance Abuse – Addiction and the destructive behaviors that come with it

Compare that to the top reasons men file for divorce:

1. Falling Out of Love – Simply not feeling it anymore

2. Different Values or Lifestyles – Disagreeing on career paths, religious beliefs, or personal goals

3. Lack of Fulfillment – Essentially, “I’m not happy and I deserve to be happy”

Do you see the stark contrast? Women typically leave because they need to, while men more often leave because they want to. Yet conservative churches frequently frame women filing for divorce as rebellious or selfish, ignoring the legitimate reasons they seek freedom.

What the Bible ACTUALLY Says About Divorce (It’s Not What You Think)

Here’s something that might shock you: God Himself got a divorce. In Jeremiah 3:8, God clearly states He divorced Israel because of her unfaithfulness. This single verse undermines the entire notion that divorce is always wrong in God’s eyes.

Let’s tackle some of the most misused verses about divorce:

“God hates divorce” (Malachi 2:16) is perhaps the most weaponized verse against women in abusive marriages. But the full context (read the whole chapter!) reveals God is actually condemning men who mistreat and abandon their wives. It’s not about forcing women to stay in harmful marriages—it’s about protecting women from being mistreated!

When Jesus spoke about divorce in Matthew 19:3-9, He wasn’t setting up a life sentence for abused women. He was addressing a culture where men could discard their wives for trivial reasons, leaving women destitute. Jesus was protecting women, not trapping them.

Throughout scripture, God consistently sides with the oppressed and vulnerable (Psalm 34:18, Isaiah 61:1). Nowhere does the Bible instruct people to remain in relationships that crush their spirit and endanger their wellbeing. In fact there are many Biblical stories of God instructing people to flee from their oppressors, even down to the life of Jesus Christ as an infant. 

Historical context matters too. In ancient Jewish culture, marriage certificates (ketubah) actually protected women’s rights and outlined what husbands owed their wives—including emotional and physical safety. If these terms were violated, women had grounds for divorce. This completely changes how we should interpret Jesus’ teachings on the subject.

Spiritual Manipulation: How Abusers Use Religion to Keep You Trapped

If you’re in an abusive marriage, you’ve likely heard some of these spiritually manipulative statements:

“You’re not submitting enough.” This twisted version of submission conveniently ignores that husbands are commanded to love their wives sacrificially and tenderly, as Christ loved the church.

“You’re breaking up the family.” The truth is, the abuser broke up the family when they chose abuse. You’re simply protecting what remains of it.

“What about your testimony?” Your testimony is that you trust God enough to leave an unsafe situation, just like David fled from Saul.

“But God hates divorce.” Funny how they never mention that God also hates abuse, lying, and oppression. The selective use of scripture is a red flag for manipulation.

Many women actually find their faith deepens after leaving an abusive marriage because they finally experience God’s true character: a God who sees their pain, delivers the oppressed, and values truth over appearances.

You Are Not Alone: Finding Freedom and Support

If you’re currently trapped in an emotionally or spiritually abusive marriage, here’s what I need you to hear:

1. Question what you’ve been taught. If your church only focuses on rules while ignoring real suffering, they’re missing the heart of God and are behaving the same way the Pharisee’s behaved in the days of Jesus. 

2. Find voices that acknowledge emotional and spiritual abuse. Not all Christian leaders push these harmful messages. Seek out those who understand the reality of abuse.

3. God cares more about you than legalism. You are not a failure for leaving an abusive marriage. Period.

4. Get support. You don’t have to do this alone. Find a coach, therapist, or trusted friend who sees and supports your safety. Eight years ago I created a program specifically for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages called the Kaleidoscope. I also help Christian women post-divorce in Flying Higher. 

One of our community members recently shared:

“Every course I have taken through the Kaleidoscope and Flying Higher has been life and light giving. I have heard in your words and seen in my mind, reflections and reminders of thoughts, prayers and picturings I have carried for decades and am now understanding anew through a changing and clearing lens. The Kaleidoscope and Flying Higher provide waypoints of safety that remind, reinforce and nurture the way forward through the storm, deeper into God’s Love, Light and Peace and moves me towards WHO I am meant TO BE.”

It’s Time to Embrace the Truth About Divorce and Abuse

The truth about divorce for women in abusive marriages has been hidden for too long. God does not require you to remain in a relationship that destroys your spirit and endangers your wellbeing. In fact, the Bible repeatedly shows God’s heart for protecting the vulnerable and oppressed—which includes you.

Your journey to freedom might be challenging, but it’s not one you have to walk alone. And contrary to what you might have been told, seeking safety and wholeness honors God’s design for your life.

Ready to discover more biblical truth about divorce and abuse? Watch the full video above to learn how you can find freedom, support, and a faith that truly reflects God’s heart for you. You deserve truth, not manipulation, and this video will give you the clarity you’ve been searching for.

Would you like a free guide that will help you decide between a legal separation and divorce? Head HERE!