Hey butterflies! Remember those late-night Google searches trying to figure out what’s going on in his head to cause him to treat you the way he does? That obsession with understanding his behavior? 

In today’s episode, I’m breaking down something we ALL experience on this healing journey – how our focus shifts as we recover from abuse. 

We’ll walk through the 5 stages of recovery – from being completely focused on HIM to finally reclaiming YOUR power and becoming the mentor you never had. This journey isn’t linear, and wherever you are in the process, I want you to know you’re exactly where you need to be.

In this episode, you’ll discover:

• Why obsessing over his behavior is actually the FIRST necessary step in your healing
• How to navigate the powerful moment when you realize “This IS abuse” 
• The beautiful shift that happens when you start focusing on yourself instead of him
• Practical ways to rebuild your life and protect your peace
• How your painful journey can eventually help other women just starting theirs

If you’re deep in confusion or feeling stuck in an endless cycle of trying to understand his behavior, this episode is especially for you. Your healing journey isn’t just about getting away from abuse—it’s about reclaiming YOU.

Related Resources:

• Liked this episode? Here are some other episodes and an article that you may find helpful as well: 
• Episode 306, “Lessons I’m Learning in Physical Therapy About How We Heal” 
• Episode 277, “What the Healing Journey Looks Like” 
•  An article, “7 Steps to Identifying and Healing from an Emotionally Abusive ‘Christian’ Marriage.” 

Article: Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Abuser (and when that starts to change!)

As someone who has guided thousands of women through the recovery process from emotional and psychological abuse, I’ve noticed clear patterns in how our focus shifts during healing. Let’s look at these Five Stages of Recovery, because understanding them might just be the validation you need right now.

If you’re struggling to make sense of a confusing, painful relationship, this video breaks down the critical stages every survivor experiences:

• You’ll recognize where you are in your healing journey – Whether you’re still obsessing over his behaviors or you’ve moved into the anger phase, seeing these stages mapped out will help you understand that your feelings are normal and necessary.
• You’ll discover why your brain is currently “stuck” on him – I explain why that detective phase (yes, the 3 AM Google searches!) is actually your brain’s way of trying to make sense of the chaos you’ve been living in.
• You’ll see the roadmap from victim to thriver – This isn’t just about understanding abuse; it’s about reclaiming YOU. I walk you through how your focus gradually shifts from him to yourself, and eventually to helping others.
• You’ll stop blaming yourself for not “getting over it faster” – Healing isn’t linear, and every stage serves a purpose. Understanding this process gives you permission to be wherever you are without judgment.
• You’ll get validation that you’re not crazy – Sometimes just hearing someone else describe exactly what you’re experiencing is enough to break through the gaslighting and self-doubt.

The Five Stages Explained: From Obsession to Freedom

In the video, I break down each stage of recovery and explain why they’re all necessary parts of healing. Let me give you a preview:

Stage One: The “What in the Ever-Loving Heck is Happening?” Phase

This is where most women start – obsessively researching, analyzing his behaviors, and trying to figure out what’s wrong with him (or you). Your brain is working overtime to categorize and make sense of the insanity you’ve been living in. This hyper-focus on him isn’t unhealthy; it’s your first step toward awareness.

Stage Two: The “WHOA, This IS Abuse” Revelation

Once you’ve done enough detective work, reality hits. Those “little things” you brushed off? They weren’t little – they were calculated. The ignored texts, the “jokes” at your expense, the financial control, the gaslighting – suddenly, you see it all clearly. Welcome to the righteous rage phase! This is when you start really learning about abuse patterns and systems.

Stage Three: The “Hold Up—This is About ME” Moment

This is where the magic happens. Your focus shifts from him to YOU. You start asking deeper questions: What in my belief system made me think this was normal? What wounds do I need to heal? Who am I outside this relationship? It’s uncomfortable but powerful work.

Stage Four: The “I’m Digging Myself Out” Era

Now you’re taking action – setting boundaries, protecting your peace, and building your new life. Maybe you’re rediscovering old hobbies or pursuing education. Most importantly, you’re learning to trust yourself again.

Stage Five: The “Helping Others” Season

This is the full-circle moment when you start giving back. You see new women entering support groups, drowning in confusion, and you think: “I remember that. I was her once.” By sharing your story and validating others, you become the mentor you once needed.

Why Understanding These Stages Matters

When you’re in the thick of abuse recovery, it’s easy to feel like you’re doing it wrong, especially when you can’t stop thinking about him or understanding his behaviors. But what if I told you that obsession is actually part of your healing?

Think about it: we’ve been conditioned to believe that strong women just “move on” and “don’t let it affect them.” But that’s not how trauma works. Your brain is literally trying to protect you by understanding the threat. That hyper-focus on him? It’s your brain’s way of saying, “If I can just figure this out, maybe I can prevent more pain.”

The beautiful thing about these five stages is that they show us how naturally our focus shifts when we’re given the right support and tools. We don’t force ourselves to stop thinking about him – it happens organically as we heal.

In the video, I share specific examples of how women in our Flying Free community move through these stages, and how our courses like the CLEAR Model Tool and our Boundaries Course support this natural progression.

My Personal Journey Through These Stages

I remember being stuck in Stage One for what felt like forever. I was convinced that if I could just find the right article, the right book, or the right explanation, I could fix my relationship. I would stay up late analyzing conversations, trying to find patterns in his behavior that would make the chaos make sense.

The shift to Stage Two was both liberating and terrifying. Naming the abuse meant I could no longer pretend everything was okay. The anger that followed was intense – not just at him, but at the systems that enabled him, at the people who didn’t see it, and at myself for staying so long.

Stage Three was where the real healing began. Turning the focus inward was uncomfortable – I had spent so many years monitoring his moods and needs that I barely knew myself anymore. But this is where I found my power again, piece by piece.

By Stage Four, I was actively rebuilding my life, setting boundaries I never thought possible, and discovering joy again. 

And now, in Stage Five, helping other women navigate this path has become one of the most meaningful parts of my life.

You Are Not Alone in This Journey

Healing isn’t linear, and every stage is necessary. You might bounce between stages or find yourself revisiting earlier ones during stressful times – that’s completely normal.

The most important thing to remember is that you’re not stuck forever. That obsessive focus on him will shift. The anger will transform into strength. The grief will make way for joy. And one day, you’ll look back and barely recognize the woman who once couldn’t stop thinking about him.

You are doing the work. You are becoming who you were always meant to be. And you are NOT alone.

Watch the Full Video Now

If anything in this post resonated with you, I encourage you to watch the full video above. I go into much more detail about each stage, share stories from women just like you, and offer specific strategies for moving through each phase of recovery.

Whether you’re deep in Stage One or thriving in Stage Five, this video will validate your experience and give you hope for what’s ahead. 

Hit play above, and let’s continue this journey together.