Strap in, ladies. This episode is basically law school meets your best girlfriend telling you how to survive divorce court with a toxic ex who thinks the law is optional and reality is negotiable. I’m joined by Arizona attorney Wendy Hernandez (aka courtroom gladiator and truth-spewer), who unpacks what you really need to know when facing custody battles, financial warfare, and the endless parade of legal shenanigans from an abusive ex.

This episode was originally a private workshop inside the Flying Free Kaleidoscope community, and now it’s yours, too. You’re welcome. (And also, if you want more, jump in with us!)

Key Takeaways:

• How to get out when you’re financially trapped
• What temporary orders are and how they can help you immediately
• Why documentation beats opinions in court, and how to gather it smartly
• Secrets to dealing with exes who refuse to work or disclose income
• How to present strong evidence without being overwhelmed
• Legal options for supervised visitation and protecting your children
• Modifying custody when major life changes occur
• Protecting kids from subtle forms of abuse within court limitations
• How to handle mediators and avoid coerced agreements
• Sanctioning your ex for using the legal system abusively
• The emotional encouragement you need when you feel too overwhelmed to fight back

Related Resources: 

• Wendy’s YouTube channel: Command the Courtroom
• Her “Best Interests of the Child” checklist
• The “Is Love Resilience” worksheet (traits that resilient women develop to rebuild their lives)
• The “Know Your Rights – Protect. Prepare. Empower. Escape” worksheet
• Our Day’s co-parenting calendar app
• Aimee Says, an AI app to help you craft responses, document abuse, prepare for court, and more 
• Flying Free Podcast Episode 220 with Wendy: Dealing with Fear During Divorce

Having tried over 1,000 cases during her twenty-seven years as a litigator, Wendy is a courtroom warrior who has tackled every type of family law matter — from divorce to child custody and everything in between. Sharing secrets learned from the country’s top law professors at the University of Notre Dame Law School and during her battles on the family law front lines, Wendy is passionate about helping not only her clients, but also those representing themselves, to feel competent, confident and comfortable in the courtroom.

Article: How to Survive a Custody Battle with a Toxic Ex (Without Losing Your Mind or Your Kids)

Let’s be real: going through a divorce is like signing up for a marathon you never trained for, and if your ex is a toxic charmer with a legal degree from the University of Manipulation, well, buckle up. You’re going to need more than prayer and a Pinterest board of “peaceful co-parenting” quotes.

But here’s the good news: there are women who’ve not only walked this path but did it barefoot over hot coals while dragging two kids and a therapy dog – and they made it. And today, we’re going to look at what it actually takes to survive a custody battle with a high-conflict, spiritually (and maybe legally) abusive man.

In this recent episode of the Flying Free podcast, I invited family law attorney Wendy Hernandez to answer your most burning legal questions. She’s seen it all, and let’s just say, you want her advice in your corner.

Step One: If You’re Not Safe, You Need to Get Safe—NOW

If you’re in an unsafe situation, emotionally, physically, financially, there’s no perfect time to leave. There’s just now. Wendy says it bluntly: “You have to go before you’re ready, because you’re never going to feel ready.”

Don’t wait until your ex has drained your bank account and your sanity. If you’re stuck financially, start building your escape plan today. Shelters, churches, community programs, and yes, even the Flying Free Kaleidoscope, can help you get out. One of Wendy’s clients had just $400 and two kids when she fled. She now sings at upscale hotels in Phoenix. Moral of the story? You’re not stuck. You’re starting.

The Money Talk: Temporary Orders Are Your Lifeline

Think you have to wait until the divorce is final to get support? Nope. Enter temporary orders. These can secure spousal maintenance (a.k.a. financial help) and child support before your divorce is finalized. But here’s the kicker: these orders can take weeks (sometimes months), so plan your finances like you’re building a wartime bunker.

Also, before you even pack your bags, gather every scrap of financial evidence. That includes bank statements, loan applications (where your ex might have exaggerated his income), tax returns, and even that dusty W-2 from three jobs ago. Document, organize, and store everything somewhere safe and not on your shared iCloud account. (Yes, he could be spying.)

Your Soon-to-be-ex Won’t Work? The Court Can Force the Fantasy

If your stbx is refusing to work while telling you to get three jobs and sell a kidney, guess what? The court can impute income to him. That means they’ll assign an income based on what he should be making based on his skills and past jobs, even if he’s lounging on the couch playing Call of Duty.

On the flip side, they can do the same to you. So don’t claim you’re unemployable if you’ve got a degree and marketable skills. Be honest, be prepared, and come armed with job listings and old pay stubs.

The Kids: Custody Isn’t About Who Has Better Snacks

The court doesn’t care that you serve organic kale chips while Dad feeds them Cheez-Its and Red Bull. Judges look at patterns like medical neglect, school issues, unsafe environments. Not your parenting philosophy.

If your stbx ignores medical directives, the key is to document the consequences. Doctor says your child needs meds and Dad refuses? Show what happens when the meds aren’t taken—poor sleep, failing grades, tantrums in aisle five. Judges want facts, not vibes.

And about those supplements you swear are life-saving? Unless your doctor puts it in writing, the judge won’t care. 

Evidence: If It’s Not in Writing, It Didn’t Happen

Here’s the ugly truth: the courtroom doesn’t care how bad you feel. They care about evidence. Documentation is queen. That includes:

• Emails and texts (the most vile ones)
• Financial records (every shady transaction)
• School and medical reports
• Witness statements

And for the love of sanity, don’t show up with 400 pages of emails. Judges will not read that. Create summary exhibits that point to the worst offenses. Think “highlight reel of horrors.” When you go through the Preparing for Divorce Course inside Flying Free, I’ll teach you how. 

High-Conflict Co-Parenting? Specificity Is Your Superpower

High-conflict co-parenting means they will argue over the color of the sky. So your parenting plan needs to be airtight. That means:

• Specific schedules (down to pick-up times)
• Holiday plans mapped years ahead (yes, really)
• Backup clauses in case you can’t agree

(The Preparing for Divorce course will help with this, too!)

One day, you’ll thank yourself for having that clause that says “Christmas Eve 5 PM pickup or else.” Judges won’t micromanage bad parenting, but you can prepare for it.

Legal Abuse and Weaponized Paperwork

If your stbx files legal motions like they’re Instagram posts, you may be dealing with legal abuse. Wendy recommends asking the court to impose sanctions (aka, financial penalties) and attorney’s fees for bad-faith filings.

Even if you can’t stop the flood now, you can use it later. A long trail of frivolous motions? That’s evidence of coercive control. Add it to your story. Stack the receipts.

Mediation Isn’t a Hostage Situation

Yes, courts love mediation. But here’s the rule: if it doesn’t feel right, don’t agree. Seriously. Judges assume you said “yes” because you wanted to. So don’t agree to joint custody just because your ex glared at you across the table or the mediator seemed “team abuser.”

And if you’re doing mediation, request caucus style. That means you’re in one room, he’s in another, and the mediator does the shuttle diplomacy. No forced eye contact with Satan in khakis.

Protecting the Kids: Know When to Ask for Supervised Visits

If your stbx is doing things that could be child abuse, like bathing naked with your kids, document everything. Talk to an attorney. Ask for supervised parenting time and come with a plan (who, where, and how much it costs).

Do NOT violate existing custody orders on your own. If you must leave with the kids to protect them, file an emergency motion immediately. Your safety matters, but so does playing smart.

Final Thoughts: You CAN Do This (Even When It Feels Like You Can’t)

If the legal process feels like trying to read Latin while upside down in a wind tunnel, you’re not alone. But here’s the truth: you are smart enough to do this. You are strong enough to walk through it. And you are not alone.

Start small. Learn a little each day. Ask questions. Use resources like Command the Courtroom, Aimee Says, and yes, this podcast.

(Also, the Preparing for Divorce course!)

You’ve got this. Now go make your plan, gather your documents, and claim your power.