Have you ever crawled your way out of an emotionally abusive relationship, finally free, only to be met with cold shoulders, Christian cliques, and confused stares from the very people who should’ve been first in line at your welcome-back party? 

Or maybe you’ve thought about getting out, but your instincts all tell you that you’ll lose everyone you love in the process?

In this episode, I answer two listener-submitted questions that go straight to the heart of what so many Christian women wrestle with post-abuse: rejection from family, exclusion in church, and the confusion that comes with trying to be a decent human in the aftermath of emotional trauma.

We talk:

• The underbelly of emotional immaturity
• Spiritual bypassing in religious circles
• What “grace” actually looks like (hint: it’s not begging for scraps)
• And why your healing is not up for debate

This one’s for every woman who’s been ghosted by her family or made to feel like a spiritual pariah in the church lobby.

Related Resources:

• Get a free chapter of my book, “Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage” and companion workbook when you hop on my mailing list. 
• Listen to some related Flying Free Podcast episodes, including “Why Being Rejected by Your Church and Family Hurts So Bad” and “When You’ve Been Hurt by Church.”

Article: When Church Ladies Ghost You and Your Family Holds a Grudge: Healing After Rejection

Let’s talk about one of the most painful plot twists in the aftermath of leaving an emotionally abusive marriage: the rejection that follows. Not from your abuser (we expect that), but from the people you thought would be standing on the sidelines with pom-poms and casseroles saying, “You did it! You got out!”

Instead, you get the cold shoulder. The silence. The subtle un-invites. The group texts you’re no longer a part of. Or the overt, ugly shame bombs lobbed by your family who still think you should’ve just “stayed sweet” and submitted a little harder.

And to that, I say: What in the actual kingdom-of-God is going on here?

In this week’s podcast episode, I answered two listener questions that I know will hit home for so many of you. One woman was trying to reconnect with her family of origin after leaving an abusive relationship, only to be met with passive-aggressive resentment over her “choosing him over them.” *WHA????”

Another listener was being blatantly excluded by a Christian mom clique in her small church and wondered if maybe, just maybe, she was the problem.

Oof da, as my Great Grandma would say. 

Let’s unpack this.

The “You Chose Him Over Us” Guilt Trip

First up, our listener escaped an abusive marriage (pause here for applause, because that alone is hard and brave). After years of isolation (an abuser’s favorite trick) she reached out to her family, hoping for reconnection and maybe, if we’re being honest, some emotional safety.

What she got instead? Guilt. Resentment. A grudge with a side of bitterness.

They told her, in not-so-many-words: “You chose him over us. You don’t just get to waltz back in.” 

Cue my blood pressure. Biting my tongue so swear words don’t flood forth. 

Look, when someone is being groomed, manipulated, and isolated, they are not making free, empowered choices. They are trying to survive. Choosing survival over social niceties isn’t betrayal. It’s trauma.

If your family doesn’t understand that? That’s not a reflection of your worth or your effort. That’s a reflection of their emotional immaturity and their unwillingness to face their own junk.

Newsflash: You are not responsible for their healing. You can apologize (you probably already have, bless your heart), but begging for grace? That’s not grace. That’s groveling. And groveling has no place in healthy, reciprocal relationships.

Build a New Table

One of my favorite truths? You don’t need to fight for a seat at someone else’s toxic table.

Build your own.

You get to choose who sits around it. You get to fill it with people who understand recovery and redemption and don’t weaponize your trauma against you. Your family of origin may never sit at that table. But you will. And the people who truly see you, the ones who cheer for your growth without guilt-tripping you, those are the folks you make room for.

When Church Women Exclude You

Our second listener is a sweet, articulate woman from Germany (with a beautiful accent, by the way) who has been attending her husband’s church for two years. But there’s a group of six church moms who have made it clear: She’s not one of them.

They walk together. They meet up with their kids. They go to parks. They do all the things. And they ghost her. Deliberately.

Her husband says, “Just ignore it.”

Insert eye-roll here.

Being excluded by other women is painful enough. But when it happens in church? The betrayal cuts deeper. Because church is supposed to be where you find love, safety, and grace, not middle school cafeteria politics with a worship band.

Let’s be real: if a whole group turns cold for no reason, that’s not your fault. That’s a culture problem. That’s a group of emotionally stunted women who can’t handle their own jealousy, shame, or brokenness, and so they project it onto someone who triggers them simply by existing.

You Are Not the Scapegoat

In the Old Testament, a goat would be symbolically loaded up with everyone’s sins and sent into the wilderness.

That’s where the term “scapegoat” comes from.

That’s what’s happening to so many of you. These women (and sometimes your own family) don’t know what to do with their pain or insecurity, so they dump it all on you and push you out.

They call it “boundaries.” They call it “church culture.” Sometimes they just don’t call it anything at all. But you’re left feeling ashamed, abandoned, and wondering what you did wrong.

Let me say this clearly: You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re not too much. You’re not broken. You’re not unlovable. And you sure as heck aren’t rejected by Jesus.

ICU Patients Don’t Run Marathons

Here’s the thing. You’re healing. You’ve been spiritually burned. You don’t need to “missionary” your way through another toxic church just because your husband has a ten-year attendance badge.

If you were in the ICU with third-degree burns, would anyone hand you a pair of sneakers and tell you to train for a marathon?

Nope.

So don’t let anyone, including yourself, expect that kind of hustle in the middle of your recovery.

You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to heal. And yes, you are allowed to leave a toxic church environment and find a community that feels like spiritual oxygen instead of suffocation.

And in case you’re wondering? The Church of Jesus Christ is not a building. It’s not a clique. It’s not a bunch of women comparing baby carriers and Scripture memory charts.

It’s wherever love, grace, and truth meet. And yes, that might just be on a Zoom call with other survivors at Flying Free or Flying Higher. Because let me tell you, there is so much Jesus happening in those rooms.

Final Thoughts

To every woman who has felt unwanted, unseen, or flat-out discarded after making the bravest decision of her life:

You are not crazy. You’re healing.

The people who reject you don’t get to define your worth. That job belongs to the One who calls you His beloved, and spoiler alert, He doesn’t play clique games.

So let the emotionally immature go build their fort of shame. You’ve got better things to do, like healing, rebuilding, and flying free.