Is it ever okay to walk away from your own mother… or your husband? (Cue the gasps from the peanut gallery clutching their pearls.) If you grew up in church culture, you probably heard that honoring your parents and submitting to your husband meant swallowing abuse with a smile. But guess what? That’s not actually what Jesus had in mind.

In this episode, I sit down with Christian counselor and author Kris Reese (yes, the YouTube powerhouse with over 476,000 subscribers) to dismantle the toxic myths that keep Christian women chained to destructive relationships.

Together, we talk about:

• The big guilt trip – Why Christians confuse “honor” with “obey” and how that keeps grown women stuck in parent-child dynamics with their 70-year-old mothers.
• The covenant conundrum – What makes walking away from a spouse more complicated, and why wisdom (not religious rule-keeping) is the real key.
• The fog machine – Fear, obligation, and guilt: the trifecta abusers use to keep you running in circles like a hamster who just discovered Peloton.
• Boundaries ≠ lack of forgiveness – FACTS: You can forgive your mom and still not show up to her guilt-drenched Sunday dinners. You can forgive your husband and still not share a bed with him while he weaponizes scripture against you.
• Manipulation tactics 101 – Victimhood and scripture-twisting are the go-to moves of toxic moms and spouses everywhere. (“You’re not being a good daughter/wife” translates to: “My control over you is slipping and I hate it.”)
• Trauma bonds and porcupines – Why you might be clinging to the emotional equivalent of a barbed-wire teddy bear, and how to finally put it down without losing your sanity.
• Why Christians stay too long – It’s not because they’re lazy or selfish. It’s because they’ve been conditioned to confuse holiness with masochism.

Related Resources:

• Grab a copy of Kris’ new book, Breaking the Narcissist’s Grip.
• Get her FREE Narcissist Survival Guide. 
• Check out her YouTube channel.
• Connect with Kris on Instagram and Facebook.

Kris Reece is a Christian counselor, author, and speaker who helps believers break free from toxic relationships and codependency biblically and practically. With over 30 years of combined personal and professional experience, Kris has guided thousands through the emotional wreckage left by narcissistic and manipulative relationships. She blends deep biblical truth with real-world strategies to help others reclaim their identity, rebuild confidence, and walk in the freedom Christ offers. Kris is the author of Breaking the Narcissist’s Grip and host of a fast-growing YouTube channel where she equips Christians to set boundaries, overcome manipulation, break trauma bonds, and heal after toxic relationships.

Article: Breaking Free from Narcissistic Moms and Toxic Spouses (Without the Christian Guilt Trip)

“Honor your parents.” “Submit to your husband.”

If I had a dollar for every time those words were lobbed like grenades at Christian women drowning in toxic marriages and families, I’d be sipping margaritas in Maui. Instead, here we are, unpacking the heavy suitcase labeled Christian Guilt™, the one that makes women believe they’re sinning if they dare to say “no” to abuse.

In this episode of the Flying Free Podcast, I sat down with Christian counselor and author Kris Reese to talk about what happens when you wake up one day and realize: “Oh wow. My marriage is emotionally abusive. And wait a second, so was my childhood.”

Cue the record scratch.

Because now you’re not just dealing with one dumpster fire, you’ve got two (maybe three if your church piled on). And what Christian women are told to do in this situation is stay, submit, pray harder, forgive, repeat. Basically, keep playing “Whac-A-Mole” with your own dignity.

Let’s break down the insanity, shall we?

When Honoring Your Parents Turns Into Enabling Abuse

Somewhere along the line, Christians confused “honor” with “obey.” But they’re not the same thing. When the Bible says “honor your father and mother,” it doesn’t mean you have to roll over like a golden retriever every time your mom decides to bulldoze your life.

If you’re 44, you’re not 4. Your mom doesn’t get to ground you because you won’t show up for Sunday dinner. Honoring can look like refusing to trash-talk her but also refusing to let her stomp through your house unannounced. You can honor from a distance. With boundaries. With space. With a polite “no thanks, I’m busy washing my hair for the rest of forever.”

Because here’s the thing: titles don’t trump toxicity. If your mom is abusive, manipulative, and unwilling to change, honoring her doesn’t mean you keep sacrificing your own mental health on her altar.

Toxic Husbands and the Christian “Stay Forever” Trap

Ah yes, the covenant of marriage. The thing that keeps women glued to emotionally abusive men for decades while churches shrug and say, “Just try submitting more. Maybe more sex. Maybe make him another sandwich.”

Friends, let’s be real. Most Christian women are not the ones sprinting to the divorce lawyer after one bad fight. They’re the ones hanging on for dear life, praying, counseling, crying, enduring… often for decades. By the time they even whisper the word “divorce,” they’ve already been to the church elders fifteen times and been told to “be more patient” sixteen times.

When Kris and I talked about this, we both agreed: Women in the church aren’t leaving too soon. They’re staying way too long. And often the people wagging the “God hates divorce” finger aren’t lifting a single finger to stop the abuse happening behind closed doors.

Separation, by the way, isn’t a sin. It’s often the lifeboat God throws you when the ship is sinking. Does it always lead to a miracle Damascus-road turnaround for the husband? Rarely. And I mean “can count it on one hand” rare. But what it does do is give a woman space to breathe, think, and decide her next step without the daily fog of manipulation.

Forgiveness vs. Boundaries (a.k.a. Stop Letting People Ransack Your Temple)

Christians love to mash forgiveness and boundaries into one confusing casserole. “If you really forgave, you’d let your husband sleep in your bed again, even if he’s been verbally shredding you for years.” Nope.

Forgiveness and boundaries not only can coexist, they must. Think of your heart as a sacred temple. You don’t just let random people kick down your front door and throw a rave in your living room. So why let toxic people storm through your inner life?

Forgiveness means I release you from owing me. Boundaries mean you still don’t get access to me while you’re dangerous. I can forgive my mom and still not invite her to Thanksgiving. I can forgive my husband and still sleep in a separate room. And guess what? That’s not unbiblical. That’s wisdom.

(Want to deep dive into boundaries? I’ll teach you everything I know in my course on Boundaries inside the Flying Free Kaleidoscope. It’s just one of many deep dive courses that will change your life! Learn more and complete an application HERE.)

Manipulation Tactics 101: How Narcissistic Moms and Spouses Keep You Hooked

If you’ve ever tried setting a boundary, you know what happens next: cue the emotional fireworks. Toxic people pull out two classic tricks: victimhood and Scripture abuse.

Victimhood sounds like this:

• “How could you do this to me?”
• “You’re abandoning me.”
• “You’re such a terrible daughter/wife for saying no.”

Scripture abuse sounds like this:

• “The Bible says wives must submit.”
• “God hates divorce.”
• “You’re not honoring your parents.”

Notice a theme? These verses only ever get pulled out when they benefit the abuser. Funny how they never quote the parts about husbands loving their wives as Christ loved the church (you know, sacrificially, not selfishly).

When manipulation stops working, toxic people don’t repent. They just swap masks. One day they’re angry, the next day they’re syrupy sweet. “Look, honey, I brought you flowers!” Translation: “Please ignore the last 30 years of abuse.”

Here’s your reality check: flowers don’t erase patterns. If their “new mask” only works as long as you don’t enforce a boundary, it’s not repentance. It’s acting.

Trauma Bonds: Why Letting Go Feels Impossible

So why do so many women stay hooked into these destructive relationships? Trauma bonds. It’s like clinging to a porcupine because sometimes, just sometimes, it doesn’t stab you.

You get addicted to the occasional “good day” or love-bombing session. It feels like hitting the jackpot on a slot machine. “See? He’s capable of being kind. I’ll just hang in there until he’s like this all the time.” Except the very person causing the wounds is the one you’re begging to heal them.

Breaking trauma bonds means realizing: they can’t fix what they broke. Healing comes from inside you, from Christ, from community, not from your abuser finally waking up one day and saying, “Oops, my bad.”

The Church Problem: When “Biblical Counsel” is Actually Toxic

Let’s be brutally honest. Many churches are not safe places for women in abusive marriages. They minimize, dismiss, and spiritualize the abuse. “You’re too angry.” “You need a gentle spirit.” “Have more sex.” (I know I keep saying that, but it’s only because they keep saying that. I wonder why?)

Jesus never told women to forbear under abuse. What He did do? He flipped tables when religious leaders burdened people with heavy loads they couldn’t carry. If your church is piling guilt on you while ignoring the abuse, that’s not Jesus. That’s Pharisee cosplay.

And yes, you’re allowed to walk away from that too.

So What Do You Do?

You honor yourself. You listen to the Holy Spirit. You stop confusing guilt with conviction. You stop letting toxic people redefine “forgiveness” and “honor” for you.

Most of all, you let anger fuel your courage instead of your shame. Anger at injustice is godly. It’s what drives you to finally rise up, set boundaries, and rescue the person in the story who has your name.

Because here’s the kicker: you are the one you’ve been waiting for. You are the one who gets to break free. You are the one God already set free.

And that, my friend, is not sin. That’s salvation in action. That’s Good News. 

Let me help you inside Flying Free! 

XOXO,

Natalie