What if your deepest shame wasn’t actually yours to carry?

If you’ve ever felt the cold shoulder from your Christian family after your divorce, or you’re still untangling the sticky spiderwebs of shame and silence from your upbringing, pull up a chair. This episode is for you.

I sat down with friend and fellow coach, Diana Swillinger, and together we unpacked how family of origin dynamics continue to haunt, shape, and sometimes straight-up sabotage your healing after divorce.

Here’s what we discuss:

• What if the heavy load you’ve been dragging around was never yours to begin with?
• Could their cutting looks and guilt-trips actually say more about them than about you?
• What if boundaries weren’t about controlling others at all but something far more personal?
• At what point do parents stop calling the spiritual shots in your life?
• Is it possible that saying “no more contact” could actually be a sacred act?
• Why does the loss of “what should’ve been” sting almost more than the loss itself?
• Can forgiveness bring peace without flinging the door wide open again?

Related Resources:

• Flying Higher (https://joinflyinghigher.com) is a life-changing mentorship program for divorced Christian women pursuing increased confidence, emotional management, relational health and empowered self-development.
• Feel like a hot mess after divorce? This 5-Day Workshop will teach you a mind-shift tool to help you learn a powerful way to manage your thoughts and emotions in order to navigate adult decisions with clarity and peace. 
• Check out Diana’s website and explore some resources, listen to her podcast, The Renew Your Mind Podcast, and finally, connect with her on Facebook and Instagram.
• Dive into the books recommended in today’s episode, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief and Forgiveness After Trauma. You can also listen to the interview I did with the author of Forgiveness After Trauma on the Flying Free Podcast, Episode 281.

Article: How to Deal With Judgmental Family Members After Divorce (Without Losing Your Mind or Your Faith)

So you finally escaped your destructive marriage, and you think maybe, just maybe, you can start breathing again. You’re feeling hopeful. Lighter. You begin to taste that sweet nectar called “freedom.”

And then BOOM. A text from your sister.

“You know you can never remarry, right? God said.”

Well bless her heart. 

Today we’re gonna talk about a topic that’s so common among divorced Christian women, I’m shocked Hallmark hasn’t come out with a line of sympathy cards yet. The unsolicited judgment, shame, and good ol’ fashioned passive-aggression from your family of origin once you’ve dared to leave your “til-death-do-us-part” prison.

What If Disappointing Your Family Isn’t a Sin?

For many of us who were raised in tight-knit, Bible-thumping families, divorce wasn’t just frowned upon. It was considered a moral failure. A spiritual catastrophe. Like, if you got divorced, surely you must’ve:

• Lost your faith
• Rebelled against God
• Grown horns overnight

And you know what? That shame? It runs deep. So deep that even when we know we did the right thing by leaving an emotionally or spiritually abusive marriage, we still feel like we have to apologize to the people who think our suffering was “God’s will for our sanctification.”

Listen. Jesus didn’t die so you could be a doormat.

How Does Family Judgment Become a Silent Exile?

Sometimes the judgment is loud and obvious. Like being uninvited to your nephew’s wedding (true story). Other times, it’s more covert: the fake smiles, the little side comments, the “prayer requests” that are really just gossip.

It doesn’t matter how it shows up. What matters is that it feels like rejection. And guess what? That hurts. Even when you’re a grown woman with a mortgage and a therapist, being cut off or quietly disapproved of by your family can reawaken all those old childhood feelings of not being “good enough.”

Let me give you some good news: Your family’s opinions are not facts. They’re just unhealed beliefs, projections, and fears that have nothing to do with you.

Are You Really Responsible for Their Feelings?

Say it with me: I am not responsible for other people’s thoughts and feelings.

Your parents, siblings, Aunt Karen with the crocheted Bible covers, they are grown adults. If they choose to feel disappointed, ashamed, or judgmental about your divorce, that is due to their own programming, and that programming doesn’t have to be yours. 

The way they treat you? That reflects them. 

The way you respond? That reflects you.

What If Boundaries Are the Answer to Your Anxiety?

If every conversation with a family member leaves you feeling like you need a drink and a nap, it’s time to check your boundaries.

Here’s a little red flag checklist:

• Do you feel anxious before calling your mom?
• Do you rehearse your words before family gatherings like it’s the Presidential debate?
• Do you feel emotionally hungover afterward?

Yup. That’s your body screaming: BOUNDARIES, PLEASE!

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re mean. It means you’re done bleeding out emotionally for people who weaponize your vulnerability. Healthy people will respect your boundaries. Unhealthy people will throw a tantrum and cry “unforgiving spirit!”

Let them.

What Does It Mean to Honor Parents Without Obeying Them?

Quick Bible lesson: “Honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12) does NOT mean “do what they say until you’re 85.” You are allowed to be an adult. You are allowed to make your own choices. You are allowed to create your own family culture that doesn’t involve toxicity, gaslighting, or pretending you’re okay with being treated like the family heretic.

Honoring doesn’t mean pretending. Honoring means treating others with dignity while also treating yourself with dignity.

What Does Forgiveness Really Look Like?

Yes, forgiveness is part of the healing journey. But let me be clear: Forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation.

You can forgive your sister while keeping her number blocked. You can forgive your mom while choosing to skip Thanksgiving.

Forgiveness sets you free. Reconciliation is a two-player game that requires mutual repentance, respect, and safety. And honey, if those things aren’t there, you do not need to keep reopening the same wound and calling it “godliness.”

Are You Grieving More Than Just a Marriage?

You didn’t just lose a marriage. You lost a whole imagined future: The big family holidays. The backyard barbecues. The porch swing moments with grandkids. Maybe even the approval and closeness of the people who raised you.

That is real grief.

Don’t spiritualize it away. Don’t try to turn it into a silver lining before you’re ready. Let yourself feel the loss. Cry over the dream. Watch “Hope Floats” with a pint of ice cream and let the tears flow. 

And when you’re ready? Find meaning. Create new traditions. Build a chosen family. Because your story isn’t over. It’s just getting good.

Can You Love People and Still Say “No”?

One of the most powerful things you can learn in your post-divorce journey is this: You can love people and still say no to them. You can love people and still limit your time with them. You can love people and still block them on Facebook.

Jesus loved people and still walked away. You can too.

What’s on the Other Side of Family Rejection?

If you’re feeling isolated, judged, or overwhelmed right now, it’s okay to lean into the pain of that reality.

But on the other side of that pain is a life filled with real connection, real peace, and real joy.

Not performative family reunions where everyone wears matching polo shirts but hates each other.

If you’re ready to heal deeper, set better boundaries, and rebuild your life with strength, check out the Flying Higher program at joinflyinghigher.com. We have a whole community of badass, divorced Christian women who are changing their lives and changing the world. Come fly with us. And be sure to check out Diana’s podcast, Renew Your Mind, for weekly brain-rewiring magic.

XOXO

Natalie