What happens when you stop asking for permission in an abusive marriage?

Today, Jillian shares her story of waking up to covert abuse in her Christian marriage and what it took to finally get out.

You’ll hear how she recognized the patterns, why she chose to leave despite having a young son, and what life looks like now on the other side. If you’ve been wondering whether things could actually be different, this conversation will show you what’s possible when you start rescuing yourself.

Key Takeaways:

• The warning signs started immediately after marriage: Jillian noticed holiday ruining, rage, silent treatment, and passive aggression within the first year—but spent nine more years trying to fix it.
• The permission trap: When Jillian hired a life coach without asking, her husband threatened consequences and demanded she “ask permission”—revealing his need for control.
• Staying “for the kids” actually harms them: Jillian left because of her son, not despite him, knowing that growing up watching dysfunction would hardwire toxic patterns into his brain.
• Divorce doesn’t have to be a war: Jillian’s divorce took just three months because she was willing to “buy her freedom” and give him what he wanted (money, custody, reputation).
• Post-divorce transformation is real: Two years out, Jillian has rebuilt her self-trust, started a successful business, and is leveling up emotionally—proof that change isn’t just possible, it’s exponential.

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Article: She Stopped Asking for Permission: Jillian’s Story

If you’ve spent years trying to figure out when things went wrong in your marriage, Jillian’s story might sound familiar. She noticed problems within the first six to twelve months. Rage. Silent treatment. Passive aggression. Blame shifting. The way he seemed to ruin every holiday, big or small.

But like so many of us, she thought she could fix it. She thought if they could just get back to how things were when they were dating (when everything seemed good) they’d be okay. So she spent the next nine years trying.

Here’s what she didn’t know then: when you’re dating someone with covert abusive patterns, you’re often seeing a performance. The real person shows up once you’re committed. Once you’ve said your vows. Once leaving feels complicated.

And that’s exactly what happened to Jillian. The moment they got married and started living together, the mask came off.

What Happened When She Hired a Life Coach?

This is where things got interesting. Jillian hired a life coach to help her manage her time, energy, and (let’s be honest) her resentment toward her husband. She wanted to be a better wife. She wanted to pursue her goals while still taking care of the house, the baby, everything.

She didn’t tell him about it first because she already knew he wouldn’t approve. And guess what? She was right.

When he found out, he threatened her with “consequences” she “wouldn’t like.” Then he took it back the next day and told her to choose whether she wanted to keep working with the coach. When she said yes, he got upset and said, “Had you asked for permission, I would have said yes. But you didn’t ask, so I don’t agree with this.”

Read that again. He literally told her the problem wasn’t the coach. It was that she didn’t ask his permission.

That’s control. That’s what covert abuse looks like. It’s not about what you’re doing. It’s about the fact that you did it without consulting him first, without making sure he approved, without staying in your lane.

Should you stay for the kids? 

This is where Jillian’s story gets really important for anyone who’s staying “for the kids.”

Jillian grew up with an emotionally abusive stepdad. She hated him her whole childhood, but she couldn’t articulate why until she was an adult and learned about gaslighting, emotional abuse, and passive aggression. Then it all made sense.

She also watched her mom try to shield the kids by taking the brunt of the abuse herself. But here’s the truth: it didn’t work. All three daughters experienced trauma anyway. And her mom ended up with an autoimmune disease in her forties. Her body breaking down under the weight of all that stress.

Jillian knew exactly what it was like to grow up in that environment. She knew what it does to a child’s nervous system, their sense of safety, their ability to trust themselves. And she wasn’t going to let her son experience that.

She also knew this: if she stayed married, she and her husband would be at war over parenting constantly. His method involved control, compliance, and suppression of emotions. Hers involved teaching her son to breathe, to feel his feelings, to use healthy coping skills.

The only way she could parent the way she wanted to (the only way she could give her son a clean pool to swim in instead of a toxic pond) was to get divorced.

How Did Her Divorce Only Take Three Months?

Here’s the part that surprises people: Jillian’s divorce was final three months and three days after she told him she wanted one.

How? She gave him what he wanted. Money. 50/50 custody. His reputation intact.

She calls it “buying her freedom.” And she was willing to do it because she could see the long game. Short-term financial loss in exchange for long-term peace, health, and the ability to raise her son in a functional environment? Worth it.

She also knew that fighting him in court would drag things out, cost more money, and keep her tied to him emotionally. So she made it easy. She made it fast. She got out.

And now, two years later, she’s watching her investment pay off. Her son knows he can have his emotions at her house. He’s learning impulse control. He’s being taught the truth about what’s healthy and what’s not. And she’s not breaking down physically the way her mom did.

What Does Life Look Like Now?

Jillian is a different person than she was seven years ago. She’s rebuilt her self-trust. She’s started a successful business as a trauma-certified life weight loss coach. She’s on track to match her ex-husband’s salary this year and double it next year.

But more than that, she’s done the deeper work. She’s figured out her own patterns. The ways she played into the dysfunction, the core wounds she needed to heal, the hooks that made her vulnerable to abusive people in the first place.

That’s the work that matters. Because here’s the truth: it’s the abuser’s fault they’re abusive. 100%. No question. But it’s your responsibility to figure out what made you susceptible to their tactics so it doesn’t happen again.

And when you do that work? When you’re willing to look at the hard stuff and heal your own hooks? That’s when you start to soar.

Jillian isn’t done growing. She’s still in therapy. Still working with coaches. Still learning. But the momentum is real. The compound interest of emotional health is kicking in. And she’s not the same woman who asked permission to hire a life coach anymore.

She’s the woman who rescues herself. 

(Check out her podcast, Hungry for Love!)

If you’re ready to start your own journey from confusion to clarity, from stuck to free, I’d love to have you inside Flying Free. It’s where women like Jillian come to learn, heal, and grow at their own pace, in a safe community, with all the tools and coaching they need.

Learn more at joinflyingfree.com.

XOXO,
Natalie