What if the emotions you’re trying to keep at arm’s length (like grief and rage) are actually the very things that will set you free?

In this episode, I’m joined by my friend and fellow coach, Diana Swillinger. Today we’re talking about the emotional whirlwind that follows a divorce, especially for Christian women who were taught to be nice, stay quiet, and for the love of God, never get angry.

Well. We got angry. (And we’re still alive!)

If you’ve ever wondered:

• “Am I losing it, or is this rage normal?”
• “Why am I grieving when I wanted this divorce?”
• “Do I actually miss him…what the hell is wrong with me?”
• “What does forgiveness really mean if reconciliation isn’t safe?”

… then this episode is for you, my buffalo-hearted sister. (Yes, we talk about buffalo. And you’re gonna want one as your life mascot by the end.)

Journal Questions: 

1. What unexpected emotions have surfaced for you since your divorce, and how have you responded to them? Is there a feeling you’ve tried to ignore or suppress? Why?
   
2. When have you experienced righteous anger or even rage about what happened in your marriage or divorce? What do you believe your anger is trying to tell you?
   
3. What were you taught about anger, grief, or other “uncomfortable” emotions growing up—especially as a Christian woman? How has that shaped your relationship with your own emotions?
   
4. Reflect on a time you felt relief after divorce, even if it surprised or confused you. What did that relief reveal about your true needs or desires?
   
5. How has grief shown up in your life, before, during, or after your divorce? What helped you move through grief, and what (or who) helped you most?
   
6. Is there a part of you that misses your ex or your old life, even if you know leaving was the right choice? What would you say to that part of yourself with compassion and honesty?
   
7. Have you noticed signs of trauma bonding or difficulty letting go, whether with your ex, your family, or your church? What beliefs or hopes kept you “stuck,” and what helped you break free?
   
8. How do you distinguish between forgiveness and reconciliation in your own healing? Who or what do you still feel “indebted” to, and how can you release yourself from that burden?
   
9. When have your emotions—anger, grief, relief, sadness—actually served as guides or “helpers” on your healing journey? What have they taught you about yourself or your values?
   
10. What practical practices or rituals (journaling, movement, support groups, spiritual practices, etc.) have helped you process big emotions? Is there a new practice you’d like to try to support your continued healing?

Related Resources:

• Flying Higher (https://joinflyinghigher.com) is my personal mentorship program for Christian women pursuing increased confidence, emotional management, relational health and empowered self-development. Want to work with me? This is how!
• Feel like a hot mess after divorce? This 5-Day Workshop will teach you a mind-shift tool to help you learn a powerful way to manage your thoughts and emotions in order to navigate adult decisions with clarity and peace. 
• Check out Diana’s podcast, The Renew Your Mind Podcast.
• Recommended books: Altogether You by Jenna Remiersma, No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz, Forgiveness After Trauma by Susannah Griffith, Finding Meaning: the Sixth Stage of Grief by David Kessler, The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner, and All the Scary Little Gods by yours truly. 

Article: Grief, Rage, and the Uninvited Guests of Healing After Divorce 

You know those movies where the divorcee skips town, gets a haircut, and somehow ends up glowing and barefoot in a field of daisies while “Stronger” by Kelly Clarkson plays in the background?

That’s not how it went down for most of us.

In the real world, especially for those of us raised in Christian environments where divorce is seen as a moral failure, those first 365 days after leaving an emotionally or spiritually abusive marriage are less about spa days and more about wondering if you’ll ever stop crying yourself to sleep at night.

When my first marriage ended, I didn’t expect to feel so enraged. And that rage? That knock-the-lamps-over, silent-screaming-in-your-car, how-dare-he kind of rage? It surprised me.

Not because it wasn’t warranted, but because I was taught that good Christian women don’t get angry. We “submit,” we “pray harder,” and we definitely don’t throw emotional hand grenades, even in our own minds.

But here’s what I learned: those “bad” emotions? They’re not enemies. They’re invitations. And if you can summon the courage to sit with them instead of silencing them, they’ll walk you right into your healing.

Rage Isn’t a Sin. It’s a Signal

Let’s talk about rage. Not irritation. Not frustration. I’m talking white-hot, where-was-this-anger-hiding-for-20-years kind of rage.

You might be shocked by it. I sure was.

But it makes sense. Rage is often the body’s way of saying, “Hello? We’ve been betrayed, neglected, manipulated, and minimized for years, and NOW we’re finally safe enough to feel it.”

It’s your justice detector going, “Alert! Alert! That wasn’t okay!” And frankly, it’s about time.

That rage might be what gives you the energy to finally leave. It might be what fuels your resolve when every voice around you tells you to stay. It might even be the spark that lights your path toward freedom.

Instead of praying it away, try listening to it. Ask it what it’s trying to tell you. Then thank it for protecting you and move forward.

And no, that doesn’t mean torching his clothes in the driveway. (Tempting? Yes. Productive? No.)

Grief Isn’t a Detour: It’s the Path

Here’s the thing about grief: it’s sneaky. You think you’ve cried all your tears. You think you’re finally moving on. And then BAM. Some random Tuesday, your kid laughs in a way that reminds you of the person you used to be before everything fell apart, and you’re back in the fetal position.

Grief shows up in layers. For the loss of the dream. For the years you can’t get back. For the version of yourself you abandoned just to keep the peace. For the family you thought you had and the future that now looks very different.

And sometimes? You grieve the person who hurt you. Not because you want them back, but because you invested years in someone who was never going to show up for you the way you deserved.

Here’s what helped me (besides chocolate and tear-stained yoga mats): I stopped resisting it. I stopped trying to perform strength and started telling the truth. I wrote letters to my younger self. I cried during corpse pose. I let myself be a human being with a broken heart and a nervous system doing its best.

That’s not weakness. That’s holy ground.

Missing Him Doesn’t Mean You Made a Mistake

Now let’s talk about the part no one wants to admit: sometimes, you miss him.

Or at least, you miss the idea of him. You miss the routine. The family dinners. The good moments, however few and far between they were. And then you start to doubt yourself. “Maybe I was too sensitive.” “Maybe it wasn’t that bad.” “Maybe I’ll never find someone else.”

This is what trauma bonding feels like.

It’s that push-pull dynamic that keeps you tied to someone who consistently hurt you, and it thrives on a hope that things could still be different. But here’s the truth bomb: you can love someone and still choose to walk away.

Missing him doesn’t mean you should go back. It just means you’re human. You can let the missing be there without giving it the keys to your healing.

Forgiveness Isn’t Reconciliation

In the church world, we’re taught to forgive and forget. We’re handed verses like weapons, and told that unless we reconcile, we’re harboring bitterness.

Let me set the record straight: forgiveness means you release the debt. Reconciliation means you rebuild the relationship. They are not the same thing.

You can forgive someone from the safety of a locked door and a healthy therapist. You can pray for them and still block their number. You can release the debt without giving them a seat back at your table.

Jesus flipped tables. David ran from Saul. You are in good company, my friend.

Your Emotions Are Not Your Enemy

Your grief isn’t a problem to be solved. Your rage isn’t a flaw to be fixed. Your longing doesn’t mean you’re weak.

Your emotions are sacred messengers.

Instead of shaming yourself for feeling them, what if you got curious? What if, like Jesus, you moved toward the hurting parts of yourself with compassion?

That’s what IFS (Internal Family Systems) taught me. That inside of me live all these little “parts.”  Some angry, some scared, some weepy, some snarky. And when I stop silencing them and start listening, something beautiful happens. I start to feel whole again.

You Will Not Fall Apart Forever

If you’re afraid that leaning into the grief will destroy you, let me gently say this: you’ve already survived the hardest parts.

Feeling your emotions will not destroy you. Denying them will.

So go ahead, cry in Target. Rage in your journal. Grieve in yoga class. Miss the man who hurt you. Forgive without reconciling. Do whatever your soul needs to do to come home to yourself.

Because this is the real healing work. And you, dear one, are doing it.

Listen to (or watch!) us talk about all of this and more in today’s Divorced Christian Woman podcast episode above.

Ready to go deeper? Join my private mentorship group, Flying Higher. 

And be sure to check out Diana’s podcast, Renew Your Mind, for weekly brain-rewiring magic!