So, you got divorced and your social life went up in flames. Welcome to the club, friend. Pull up a chair.
In this season finale, I sit down with my friend Diana Swillinger (host of The Renew Your Mind Podcast) to talk about something every divorced woman eventually faces: the weird, wonderful, terrifying world of making new friends when you’re a whole new person.
We talk about the great scattering (as Mel Robbins calls it), how to let go of draining friendships without guilt, and why being rejected might not actually kill you. If you’re feeling lonely, wondering where your people went, or ready to rebuild your community from scratch with people who actually see you, this episode is the warm hug and gentle shove you need.
And don’t worry, introverts, we’ve got you too. You can still want deep connection without having to attend a single church potluck ever again. Promise.
Key Takeaways:
- Friendships change after divorce, and that’s normal.
- You’re allowed to let go of draining people. Seriously, permission granted.
- Great friendships need three things: proximity, timing, and energy.
- Let them be who they are, and let yourself be you.
- You don’t need a huge friend group, just real ones.
- Rejection happens, and you’ll survive it. Promise.
- Be open, take small risks, and make the first move sometimes.
Related Resources:
- Flying Higher (https://joinflyinghigher.com) is my live mentorship program for Christian women pursuing increased confidence, emotional management, relational health and empowered self-development.
- Feel like a hot mess after divorce? This 5-Day Workshop will teach you a mind-shift tool to help you learn a powerful way to manage your thoughts and emotions in order to navigate adult decisions with clarity and peace.
- Check out Diana’s website and explore some resources, listen to her podcast, The Renew Your Mind Podcast, and finally, connect with her on Facebook and Instagram.
Article: Creating New Friendships as a Divorced Christian Woman
You know what’s harder than trying to get out of a control-happy marriage with your dignity intact? Making friends after the dust settles. You finally escape the emotional war zone, look around, and realize your social life now resembles an abandoned Hobby Lobby clearance aisle. And you’re left asking, what the heck happened to my people?
If that sounds a little too familiar, pull up a chair and breathe. You are not the only one trying to figure out where your ride-or-die besties went and whether you need to start handing out business cards titled “Desperate but Healing and Also Funny. Let’s Be Friends?”
Let’s talk about how to find life-giving friendships that actually fit the new you. Because post-divorce, your standards have changed. As they should.
What Happens to Your Friendships After Divorce?
You know that moment when you realize half your friends were really just proximity-based acquaintances who clung to your now ex like glitter to church carpet? Divorce has a sneaky way of revealing who was real and who was just along for the social potluck ride.
Some friends stay. Some vanish without so much as a passive-aggressive Facebook comment. And some corner you with a coffee and a look of holy concern to let you know they’re just “so worried about your spiritual state” now that you’ve dared to walk away from abuse.
Here’s a pro tip. Those people aren’t your people. Let them go. You haven’t failed. You’ve evolved.
Why Does Loneliness Hit So Hard Even When You Like Being Alone?
I’m an introvert. I like my space. I like my silence. I like not having to make small talk about someone’s sourdough starter. But even I feel lonely sometimes.
Because here’s the thing. Loneliness isn’t about being alone. It’s about not being seen.
You can be surrounded by people and still feel invisible. You can be married and still feel like you’re screaming into the void. (Ask me how I know.) After divorce, that ache for authentic connection feels real. And while healing brings a lot of clarity, it doesn’t magically repopulate your calendar with coffee dates.
But that’s the good news too. You get to decide who gets a seat at your new table. And guess what? You get to decorate the table this time too.
Can You Actually Make Friends After Forty Without It Feeling Like Awkward Dating?
Yes. But it might feel like dating anyway. You’ll overthink your outfit. You’ll wonder if it’s weird to ask someone out to lunch just because you liked the way she side-eyed the same guy mansplaining at the parent meeting.
It’s weird. It’s fine. Do it anyway.
Building friendships as an adult takes guts. It takes vulnerability. And honestly, it takes deciding that your healing and joy are worth a little awkwardness. Invite someone to trivia night. DM that woman in your Facebook divorce recovery group. Show up to that book club even if it’s just for the snacks.
Sometimes the boldest move you can make is saying, “I’d like to get to know you.” And guess what? If they ghost you or say no? That is not a rejection of your worth. That is simply redirection. There are 8 billion people on this planet. One of them might even like your weird laugh and your ability to quote every episode of The Office.
What If Some Friends Just Drain the Life Out of You?
Oh friend. Just because someone has been in your life for twenty years doesn’t mean they’ve earned twenty-one.
If you leave every interaction with someone feeling exhausted, defensive, or like you need to go scream into a pillow, that’s not friendship. That’s emotional labor without a paycheck.
Letting go of draining friendships doesn’t make you a bad Christian. It makes you a healthy one. And no, you do not have to explain your boundaries to people who have never respected them.
Unfollow. Unfriend. Uninvite. You’re not a mean girl. You’re a grown woman who knows her peace is priceless.
What Makes a Real Friendship Work?
Here’s where we get nerdy and practical. Mel Robbins talks about the three pillars of friendship, and honestly, she nailed it.
- Proximity
You need to actually see each other. That could mean living in the same city or showing up online in the same space. I think technology counts, because I’ve seen it work, and I’ve experienced it first hand! - Timing
Are you in a similar season of life? That doesn’t mean you need to be carbon copies, but it helps if you both understand what it’s like to be rebuilding after chaos. - Energy
Are you both showing up emotionally? A friendship where one person gives and gives while the other takes and flakes is not a friendship.
If all three of those things are present, lean in. If they’re not, you’re allowed to let things fade without writing a dramatic monologue in your journal.
How Do You Handle the Fear of Rejection?
You recognize that rejection is not personal. It is just information. Not everyone is going to vibe with you. That doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.
It just means you’re not a match. That’s it.
Sometimes a part of us feels rejected. Usually it’s the little girl inside who learned to tie her worth to how many people circled “yes” on the do-you-like-me note. But you are not that little girl anymore. You are a grown woman healing from spiritual abuse, reclaiming your voice, and learning to build real relationships on your terms.
Let that part of you feel what she needs to feel. And then keep showing up as your full, glorious, messy self anyway.
Where Do You Even Find New Friends as an Adult?
Great question. Here’s a rapid-fire list of ideas to get you started:
- Meetup groups
- Book clubs
- Volunteer events
- Online communities like Flying Free and Flying Higher
- Facebook groups for your interests
- Gym classes
- Your kid’s school functions
- Reach out to old friends from high school or college
You can even do what I did and make amazing friends online through your work or healing journey. I’ve met people who started as online acquaintances and now feel like lifers. It can happen. It does happen.
What if I’m the One Who Needs to Take the First Step?
Then take it.
Be the brave one. Be the woman who sends the text, who says yes to coffee, who invites someone to dinner even if you serve frozen pizza. That act of courage might be the spark that leads to something beautiful.
So What’s the Bottom Line?
Friendship after divorce isn’t about collecting people like Pokémon cards. It’s about connection.
Want real friends who get it?
Come join the incredible women inside Flying Higher, my private membership community for Christian women rebuilding their lives after divorce. We talk about everything from healing to finances to, yes, friendships. Find your people. Find your power.
And be sure to check out Diana’s podcast, Renew Your Mind, for weekly brain-rewiring magic!
XOXO,
Natalie
