Let’s be honest. If you’ve escaped from a destructive marriage, the idea of dating again might feel less like butterflies and more like plunging into shark-infested waters wearing a meat dress. 

But what if dating didn’t have to feel like impending doom? What if you could approach it with courage, confidence, and an actual strategy?

In this episode, I invited three of my friends and fellow coaches, Stacey Wynn, Diana Swillinger, and Marie Griffith to join me for a frank discussion about dating after divorce as a Christian woman.

Some Key Takeaways:

• Dating again? Terrifying. And also, you can do it!
• High standards are IT. You’re not picky. You’re just done with nonsense.
• Burn the haystack. Swipe left like it’s your sacred duty (thank you, Jennie Young).
• Polite is not required. Block. Burn. Bounce. Bless and release.
• Your gut is smarter than your mom, pastor, and therapist combined. Trust it.
• Emotions are dashboard lights, not detours. 

Related Resources:

• Flying Higher (https://joinflyinghigher.com) is my live mentorship program for Christian women pursuing increased confidence, emotional management, relational health and empowered self-development.
• Feel like a hot mess after divorce? This 5-Day Workshop will teach you a mind-shift tool to help you learn a powerful way to manage your thoughts and emotions in order to navigate adult decisions with clarity and peace. 
• Connect with Marie on her blog, Live Like it Matters, and website, Spiritual Direction with Marie. 
• Connect with Stacey and find all her resources on her Linktree. 
• Check out Diana’s podcast, The Renew Your Mind Podcast.
• And here are some resources we mentioned within the episode: the Burned Haystack Method by Jennie Young, the Dare to Lead List of Values from Brené Brown, the Personal Values Test, and the Personal Values Card Sort by Dr. Jennie Shields.

Article: Dating After Divorce as a Christian Woman: Burn the Haystack, Keep the Needle

Let’s just go ahead and say it: Dating after divorce when you’re a Christian woman is basically like volunteering to run barefoot through a field of emotional landmines…while blindfolded. With your hands tied behind your back. And maybe a few church ladies clucking behind you about how you’re still married to your ex in the eyes of God. 

Sound familiar?

If you’ve been burned before (say, by a narcissistic, manipulative, Bible-thumping wolf in sheep’s clothing) dating again feels less like a fun romantic reboot and more like signing up for trauma flashbacks with a side of anxiety. In today’s episode with fellow coaches Diana Swillinger, Stacey Wynn, and Marie Griffith, we talked about what it really looks like to date post-divorce.

How do I know I’m healed enough to date?

First things first: let’s kill the myth that dating again means you’re “healed.” Healing isn’t a finish line you cross with perfectly flat abs, a strong devotional life, and a man named Brad who remembers your birthday. It’s a process.

And some women? They’re not even sure they want to date again. Like Diana, who said, “Heck no,” and bought herself flowers instead. (Cue Miley Cyrus.) Or me. I’m currently in a relationship with books, coffee, and the silence of my own house. And it’s going great, thank you very much.

But for those who are curious, like Marie (who’s out here jazz concert-ing and paddleboarding with Meetup friends like a total goddess), dating doesn’t have to mean desperation. In fact, the most powerful position to date from is already loving your life. Because then, if a man walks into it, he’s the sprinkles, not the whole dang cake.

What are some red flags I should look out for when dating again?

Let’s talk about discernment, shall we?

You know what’s NOT discernment? “He’s a little controlling, but maybe I’m being judgmental.”
You know what IS discernment? Trusting your gut when something feels off, even if he volunteers at church and quotes C.S. Lewis on the regular.

Marie dropped some truth here: if you have a gut feeling and don’t have the luxury of a six-month analysis window, just trust it. You don’t need to know why it feels off. You don’t need permission. Just exit stage left. Preferably before dinner arrives.

And can we talk about Jennie Young’s Burned Haystack method? Genius. The whole idea is that dating apps are a haystack of mediocrity, and you’re not digging through hay hoping for a miracle. You’re lighting that sucker on fire and waiting to see what doesn’t burn. (Needle = actual emotionally safe human.)

Swipe left on the hay. Save your energy for the needle.

What if I’m too emotional when I get back out there in the dating world?

Let’s have a come-to-Jesus about emotions. Christian women are taught that feelings are untrustworthy little demons sent to derail us from “biblical womanhood.” (Don’t get me started.)

But emotions are information. Like Stacey said in the episode, they’re the dashboard lights in your soul. Anxiety, dread, and discomfort aren’t signs you’re “sinning.” They’re signs you’re a human being with a nervous system. And if you’ve been in a toxic marriage? Your system needs time to calibrate.

So when you’re out there dating, learn to differentiate between “first-date nerves” and “gut-level dread.” One is normal. The other is your intuition waving a red flag with a bullhorn. Trust it.

What are some dating non-negotiables?

Look, Jesus may love everyone, but He’s not asking you to date everyone.

You need to know your core values like you know your go-to coffee order. Why? Because that’s your compass in the dating world. And if you don’t know what your non-negotiables are, you’ll end up shape-shifting into whatever the man in front of you wants. 

Whether your values are honesty, emotional intelligence, spiritual curiosity, or a solid commitment to therapy, name them. Claim them. And never, ever apologize for them.

Marie nailed this when she said, “If I had known my core values during my marriage, the misalignment would’ve been glaring.” Preach.

(Also, check out Brené Brown’s List of Values and the Personal Values Test. )

What if I tend to overshare on my first dates?

Raise your hand if you’ve ever told a man your life story, divorce trauma, therapy breakthroughs, and core wound issues…by the second date?

Hi, my name is Natalie, and I’m a recovering oversharer.

There’s a difference between vulnerability and a full-on trauma TED Talk. One builds trust. The other sends emotionally unprepared men running for the hills. Don’t mistake emotional exhibitionism for intimacy.

And for my under-sharers (looking at you, Enneagram 8s), don’t use “privacy” as a shield to avoid real connection. Emotional safety means gradual self-disclosure.

What if I repeat the patterns of the past?

The number one fear women bring into dating after divorce? “What if I pick another jerk?”

Here’s the deal: if you’ve done your work, built self-trust, and surrounded yourself with support (like a coach, therapist, or one of our 1000+ flying free sisters), you won’t let yourself fall into the same pattern. You’ll notice red flags faster. You’ll feel the shift in your body. And you’ll know when to walk.

That doesn’t mean you won’t be triggered. You will. Dating is basically emotional CrossFit. But now, you know how to soothe your system, step back, and say, “I’ve got me.”

Final Truth Bomb

Dating is not a rescue mission. You are not incomplete without a man. You are not behind if you’re single. You’re not less worthy if no one has swiped right in 202 days.

Dating is only worth it if it adds joy, support, and alignment to the life you’re already building. If it’s not that? Burn the haystack and walk away, baby.

And if you need help growing your courage muscles and rediscovering the amazing, butterfly-winged powerhouse that you are, come join us in Flying Higher. We’ve got classes on dating, emotional adulthood, boundary-setting, and living into your truest self.

And I promise you this: no bathroom selfies, dead animals, or theological gaslighting allowed.

XOXO,

Natalie