There’s a scene in Wicked that gives me chills every time I watch it. Elphaba—betrayed, misunderstood, and vilified—makes a terrifying, breathtaking decision: she refuses to live a lie.
She stops contorting herself to fit a mold that was never made for her. She chooses integrity over safety, even though it costs her dreams and the world she once loved.
“Something has changed within me,
Something is not the same,
I’m through with playing by the rules
Of someone else’s game.”
This scene didn’t mark the first time a musical story mirrored my own. Looking back, I see how pivotal songs have charted my journey through loss, identity, and rebirth.
When my first marriage dissolved, it was Frozen that sang to me. The movie had been released just a few months before my separation, and Let It Go became a kind of quiet anthem during those long, uncertain days.
I wasn’t belting it from snowy mountain tops, but deep inside, I was learning: “There’s no going back to who they wanted me to be.” It was time to be who I was. Imperfect, but ALIVE.
Let it go, let it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Years later, when my family of origin turned away from me, Frozen 2 met me in the lonely wilderness. I was lost, questioning everything I had been taught about love, belonging, and identity, and Show Yourself planted a new truth inside of me:
It wasn’t their job to give me purpose.
It wasn’t their love that could define me.
It was time for me to show up for myself.
“Show yourself,
step into your power…
Grow yourself
into something new…
You are the one you’ve been waiting for all of your life…”
Even as my church and family rejected me, I was finally learning to embrace myself.
I began to see that being “cast out” wasn’t a sign of failure—it was the beginning of being found.
Which brings me to now.
The ending of my second marriage.
A new crossroads.
And this time, it was Wicked that spoke straight to my soul.
Just one month before devastating news broke, I had seen the musical. And standing on the edge of a life-shattering decision, I recognized the same choices staring me in the face that Elphaba had faced:
I could capitulate.
I could shrink myself back into a version others would find acceptable.
Or—I could step into the unknown.
Fly solo.
Fly free.
“Too late for second-guessing,
Too late to go back to sleep,
It’s time to trust my instincts,
Close my eyes and leap!”
This is the truth the Christian community often won’t say out loud:
Sometimes faithfulness to your soul will look like rebellion to those who demand your silence.
Sometimes living in the truth will earn you the title wicked from people who prefer the comfort of your compliance.
Christian women who refuse to enable injustice—who leave abusive marriages, who expose corruption cloaked in religiosity—know this truth intimately.
We are labeled dangerous.
Deceived.
Unsubmissive.
Selfish.
There are shouts of “KILL HER!” Maybe not literally, but figuratively. “ERASE HER FROM OUR PRESENCE. SHE IS WICKED!”
But here’s the reality:
We are not wicked. We are finally free to be who God made us to be.
And it is ONLY when we show up as the woman we truly are that we will fulfill our destiny and find our meaning and purpose in life.
“I’m flying high, defying gravity,
And you won’t bring me down!”
It took losing the acceptance of a church, a family, and two marriages for me to finally understand:
It is not love if it demands the death of your identity.
It is not love if it requires you to betray the Spirit of God alive inside of you in favor of obeying men and enduring their mistreatment.
It is not love if you must abandon yourself to keep it.
“And if I’m flying solo,
At least I’m flying free!”
Maybe you’re standing at your own crossroads today.
Maybe you’re terrified of being called rebellious, selfish, wicked.
Maybe you’re wondering if the cost of freedom is just too high.
If that’s you, hear this from someone who has walked through the fire and lived to tell the story:
You are not wicked. You are waking up.
You are not betraying God—you are finally trusting the Spirit that He placed inside you.
You’re not losing your way.
You’re finding your wings.
“If you care to find me,
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
Everyone deserves the chance to fly.”
Including you.
XOXO,
Natalie
