“When it comes to healing from emotional abuse, how do YOU know what works and what doesn’t? Why should I listen to YOU?”
Oh my goodness, you SOOOO don’t have to listen to me. I’m nothing remarkable. Truly just a lowly ant on the planet. (I’m throwing my haters a bone – do you see that? So much fun.) But here’s what I DO have that might prove helpful when answering the question of “What works and what doesn’t when it comes to healing from emotional abuse?”
I’ve been marinating in emotionally abusive environments my entire life. Home. School. Church. Marriage. Even parenting. I’ve literally got over 50 years of up-close-and-personal experience swimming in glorified upchuck. I know emotional and spiritual abuse inside, outside, and upside down. I can smell the slightest whiff of it from thirty miles away. A nuanced whiff. With just a dash of malice.
I’ve also read hundreds of books on the subject, had various types of therapy, taken online classes, watched buttloads of workshops and summits, had coaching, and interacted with dozens of experienced abuse advocates over the past few years. Do I know everything? Nope. But this little ant know a lot.
And finally, I’ve been publically writing and speaking about emotional abuse on this website, on social media outlets, and through my published book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, for six years. I’ve also coached hundreds of women privately and through my online training program, Flying Free for the past four years. This means I’ve rubbed shoulders with a lot of victims. I know how they think, what they are feeling, what they typically do, and the results they regularly get from all of the above.
You guys, I know what staying stuck looks like. I know what healing looks like. I know what works and what doesn’t.
So what doesn’t work?
I’m not all that interested in getting on social media and talking about the problem anymore. The problem is SCREAMING at all of us from every corner of this globe. It’s depressing.
And I get it. So few people are listening. I too used to think if we yelled loud enough, the people in the back would get it.
That doesn’t work, and it wastes our precious time and energy.
Trying to solve the problem by controlling or “fixing” abusers and their flying monkey will never solve the problem.
Trying to solve the problem by educating outsiders will never solve the problem.
Trying to solve the problem by avoiding and resisting the problem will never solve the problem.
Do you see this? That’s like telling a caterpillar that she can become a butterfly IF her abuser lets her. Which means we just need to get that abuser to CHANGE already.
That’s like telling a caterpillar that she can become a butterfly IF all the flying monkeys would just become flying angels and grant her their sacred permission. Which means we just need to get the CHURCH to change.
That’s like telling a caterpillar that she can become a butterfly IF all the humans get educated. And IF we can eradicate abuse on this planet. Which means we just need to scream our truth louder on social media and throw up all over everyone who disagrees with us. Maybe tell them they aren’t Christians. Right. That’ll work.
Sorry, but that’s just feeding her more of what her abusers feed her:
It also sends the message to our kids and the universe that the answer to control – is more control.
So round and round and round we go.
Trying to change all the external circumstances doesn’t work. Trying to control everything and everyone outside of our control isn’t the answer. The world gets to be what it is. People get to be who they are. (I remember the first time the profound thought occurred to me that “Christians get to be assholes if they want to.” Life-changing.)
Caterpillars can’t change anyone else. They can’t change their environment. As long as they are crawling on the ground, their environment will always involve the ground, and that ground ain’t going nowhere.
I know, cuz I’m an ant. Remember?
So what works?
Do you know what stands between a caterpillar and her butterfly destiny?
A personal metamorphosis that involves whole lot of mushy yuck.
Her ability to get free (whether we are talking about internal freedom from her abuser’s pretend world or external freedom from being in his physical presence every day) is totally dependent on her ability to ALLOW THE MUSHY YUCK.
This is the chrysalis phase of transformation.
Did you know that when the caterpillar tucks away inside her chrysalis, she dissolves into a liquid goo? That’s right. She loses her shape and form. She becomes non-descript. Lost. It’s like dying to all that she once was.
But hidden behind her chrysalis veil, something unbelievably transformative is happening. Her new body parts are reorganizing and taking a new form, revealing who she will become when she emerges some time later.
Does she struggle and fight against this process? No. She surrenders to the dissolution of her former life. She entrusts herself completely to her Creator, and she allows Him to do His miraculous work.
I don’t know if the caterpillar experiences pain, but I know a survivor does. And I know that a survivor’s ability to allow this pain, sit with it, and make friends with it, will ultimately save her life.
A caterpillar can’t change her environment. But she can change HERSELF. When THAT happens, she will be able to move into a different environment that no longer involves the ground.
Pretty amazing, right?
So that’s my focus. I ignore the abusers and all their allies. They are all the same anyway. You meet one, you’ve met them all.
I focus on the interesting, resilient caterpillars, and I teach them how to go through the chrysalis (and support them ever gooey step of the way), and then I cheer them on as they break free, dry off, and take their first flight.
I show them who they really are.
BEST. JOB. EVER.
I love what I do. Like – passionately, totally, ALL IN love what I do. Why? BECAUSE IT WORKS.
Who are you? Do you know? I do. I know who you are because I know Who your Creator is. And I know His handiwork and His heart.
I have chosen to align myself with the Creator in being a sort of midwife who helps to deliver lovely, colorful, living, breathing butterflies into this universe. (If you are one of those butterflies – shout it out in the comments below!)
I have an online coaching/training/education/support program that I keep totally affordable (only $25 a month). I open it up for new women every six months, and it’s opening SOON on October 1-5, 2020.
In this group I train women using all the most effective methods for discovering your programming and making decisions about what to keep and what to change. Then I help you do all the changing your heart desires.
I do this with classes, coaching, live events, workshops, and community. All the things you need to make your journey successful.
You can meet me, read loads of reviews, and get on the waiting list HERE. If you do, I’ll send you an invitation to a free training even if you decide not to join, so you’ve got nothing to lose!
Make this the beginning of your new life!