A Letter From an Abuser Who Wants to Keep His Wife Under His Thumb
Some blog posts just write themselves, and this is one of them. It was positively sinful how much fun I had. In this one I dissect a letter from an abuser who wants to keep his wife under his thumb.
WARNING: Snark Ahead.
Several weeks ago I asked for sample letters from abusers and their supporters in order to expose the mouse turds at the bottom of those tall glasses of delicious looking lemonade they’re always handing us.
“Drink up, my Pretty!”
Um, no thanks. And here’s why.
So we’re gonna deep dive into the glass of lemonade searching for the poo. Let’s find out what the abuser is actually saying in his love/apology letter below. Names have been changed to protect both the innocent and the idiot. (I know – I can be so mean sometimes. And this is just the beginning. Pray for me.)
A Letter From an Abuser Who Wants to Keep His Wife Under His Thumb
I think that we’re making a terrible mistake getting divorced. This is definitely not what I want. (This is the lemonade. Sluuuurp.)
(Now here’s the poo…)
You are making a terrible mistake. You are doing this against my wishes. I don’t want a divorce. I want to continue to control and abuse you, and by golly, I won’t be able to do that if you divorce me. If we get a divorce, it will only be because YOU wanted it. Not me. And all the church cares about is who wants the divorce. Nothing else before or after matters to them. So take that and smoke it. Plus I love you.
This is not the time for to and fro recriminations. But I do believe that you’ve believed a lie – that you’ve built up castles in your mind – lying thoughts that have become strongholds or offenses that have been allowed to become mountains. All the while, the truth is and was that I loved you. (More lemonade. Are you getting this?)
(Time for the poo…)
If you think we will be going back and forth, criticizing one another, you’d be wrong. This isn’t the time for back and forth. This is the time (as always) that I will offer my recriminations, and you will hold your tongue. You’re not allowed to give me feedback because here’s the thing – when you think differently from me or have a different perspective than me, it’s only because you are believing a lie. Hmmm, how else can I put this? My reality is the only real reality. The entire reality of the world revolves around the view between my eyeballs. I’ve got the corner on truth. I’ve been trying to get you to see that for a couple of decades now. Not sure where the disconnect is, but I would like to wax just a wee bit poetic and say that you’ve built up imaginary castles in your mind. Like the little child that you are. Can you see them with the clouds softly floating past the turrets? You, like Eve, have believed the Lying Thoughts of the enemy, and now you are caught in his stronghold. You’ve taken the things I’ve done – obviously normal guy things – and made a Big Huge Hairy Deal out of them. But you know what? I’m so amazeballs, I love you anyway. That’s right. I stoop to love your deceived and greatly mistaken self in spite of how childish you are and how stuck in the devil’s stronghold you’ve become. That is the truth. I love you, and my love for you will never change. Ever.
I have always felt that I was paying the price for your dad’s apathy & neglect – even though I’m different to him in every way.
Aaaaaand. It wasn’t me anyway. It was your dad. He was apathetic and neglectful—the louse. Unlike your awesome hubby. Loving, caring for, and pursuing you, the hard-to-love, love of my life.
I was very disappointed when he wimped out by saying that ‘you were difficult to love’. I was hoping that he would take responsibility & make things right.
Can you believe your dad said you were difficult to love? I mean, why would a father say his own daughter is difficult to love? What did that daughter do to make him say such a thing? I wonder…but no matter. The point is, because I’m such a sensitive and hopeful guy, I thought for sure he would take responsibility for saying such a wimpy thing about his daughter – you – and make things right. I mean, all the good guys do that. Good guys like me. But then, I’m different from your dad in every way…I love you even though it’s tough on me.
In a way I understand what he meant – not that you’re unlovable but that it’s hard work trying to love someone who is unable to receive love.
I kind of get it. I mean, I’d have to be a dim wit not to – but after all, dads don’t say things like that in a vacuum. There must have been a reason for him to say that. Maybe it’s not that you really are difficult to love. Perish the thought. But maybe you are just unable to receive the love of great guys like your dad and me. At the end of the day, it’s not about your dad being an immature asshole when it comes to his daughter, but it’s more about his daughter not being able to be loved. It boils down to being your fault that you’re difficult to love. Nevertheless, I do so love you.
This has been a challenge for me in our marriage. To this end, you needed counseling not to survive me but to help you with your past wounds. I cannot meet all your needs, only God can. You will not find your sense of Self from me or any other man.
And WHEW! It’s been quite a challenge for me to be married to a gal like you. But of course, I have risen to that challenge and promise to do my best, as always, in the future. To make this challenge more doable for me, you need counseling for your past wounds. Not the ones I caused. But the ones you gave to yourself by never being able to take someone’s love. C’mon, babe. I can’t meet all your many needs. Sheesh. Only GOD could do that for crying out loud. You need to stop getting your sense of Self from me or any other man. I know it’s tempting – but for my sake, please! This challenge is such a heavy weight upon me! Yet I love you in spite of the challenge.
I also have wounds from my childhood as you’ve identified. As a result of this I also need to feel accepted & admired. During counseling, you made it clear that your expectation was that I was to pursue you. I was happy to do to a point but it needs to be a mutual thing. While you want to feel needed & desired, so do I. Guys also like a woman to make them feel like a man – to be the hero of the beauty. But likewise, I cannot get my sense of Self from you.
And speaking of childhood wounds, I would be remiss not to mention mine. Here I will hang my head and shed a couple of crocodile tears as I remember my own desperate need to be accepted and admired. And how troubling and sorrowful that in counseling, instead of caring about my needs for narcissistic fuel, you make it crystal clear that you expect, no – you DEMAND that I am to pursue YOU! What a sick twist of events that was. Of course, I did my best to give you what you craved at the expense of my own needs to be admired, but slap my knee, it absolutely NEEDS to be a mutual thing. Mutual, my dear! Ever heard of that word? So you want to feel needed and desired? Big whoopie ding dong, ME TOO! And it’s not just me. This is a serious dude thing. We like a woman to make us feel like the rock stars we are. You’re supposed to make me your hero. You’re supposed to be my Beauty. But you can’t do that because you’re too busy whining about how YOU have needs. So annoying. But I guess I can’t get my sense of Self from you just like you can’t get yours from me.
So we’re even up to this point. I love you, Beatrice. I hope that isn’t lost on you.
We both should have done a better job of receiving each other – as God’s gift to us, instead of trying to change each other into our image or idea of what our partner should be. We don’t have that right. You’ve said before that I’m not easy to live with but by now you should have got the message that neither are you. Maybe that’s Gods point with marriage. If we receive each other & overlook offenses, we cover for each other’s weaknesses.
It’s not just my problem. Sure, I can do better. But so can you. I will throw the word “God” in here a few times just so you know He is on my side. You’re on the outs with Him. You’re deceived, remember? You need to stop changing me into some ideal man. You have no right to expect anything of me. No right to think I should keep my vows to love, honor, and cherish you. You say I’m not easy to live with? Huh? Huh? Wellllllll…neither are you. So there! And maybe that’s God’s point. For you to back off and let me be break my vows without consequences. Yeah. That’s it. That’s the real point of marriage. And I’ll say the word “God” again so you know God is backing me up on this one. I love you with all my heart.
In closing, you need to know that the truth is that I’ve always loved you, for the most part I did my very best by you & my only plan was to spend my entire life with you.
It’s hard to end this letter because it made me feel so good about myself to write it, but I guess it’s time to be done. I’ve always loved you. Isn’t that obvious? Don’t I tell you enough? I’ve done my best for you, and it’s never enough. You are a black hole that swallows up all my loving efforts. Nevertheless, my plan is to spend the rest of my entire life hurting you in passive aggressive ways that nobody can see but you and me. I bet the elders at church will think I’m the godliest man in town after reading this. They will believe my apology letter is sure to win you back under my thumb, and if you don’t buy it, they will think you are a descendant of Jezebel. Either way, you’ll get yours. I love you so much.
No one wins in divorce & every member of the family will be adversely affected, with both you & I having to face hardship ahead. My preference is that we try again, not on your terms or on my terms but on the basis of receiving one another – forgiving each other as Christ forgave us. If not, we play into Satan’s hands. These wounds & the lies peddled are too well aimed & strategic to be accidental. I believe that we should fight back & for me this is definitely a battle worth fighting.
I’ll close with a threat. If you divorce me, you will not only lose everything, but you will make everyone else around you lose everything. People will die. People will go to hell. People will be tortured by flesh-eating diseases, not to mention the hardships you and I will face together – even apart. So that’s what you want – you crazy imbecile, you? My preference is that we try again. Not on your terms or mine. But by forgiving one another. I forgive you for being deceived, for deceiving me, for being unlovable and incapable of accepting love from your own parents and husband, for not caring about my need to be admired, for demanding that I be the perfect man of your childish dreams, for saying all kinds of mean things about me like I’m not easy to live with, for threatening to divorce me, and for being a black hole that sucks and sucks and sucks the life out of me. The least you could do is forgive me for putting up with you as best I can. If not – you are a child of the devil. You’ve been peddling well aimed and strategic lies that have wounded me. This is no accident. I’m a man’s man. I’m up for the battle of my life. I promise I will battle you until the day you die if you would only but stay with me. I love you so much.
I hope that you give this careful consideration.
Wasn’t this letter convincing? Give it careful consideration. That’s a threat. Because I’ve got a smear campaign that will light up the night if you dare to walk away from me now. I love you, dearest Beatrice.
May all the Beatrices out there fly far and fast and free.