Ever wondered what it’s like to be married to someone who swears allegiance to both their country and their ego? Meet Elizabeth, a brave survivor of emotional, spiritual, and psychological abuse within a military marriage. Spoiler alert: It’s not all flag-waving and family barbecues.
Key Takeaways:
- Abuse in Uniform: Elizabeth shares how military culture and constant relocation masked the escalating abuse in her marriage.
- Gaslight Central: Her husband weaponized patriotism, shifting blame and memory-wiping every argument like a bad magician.
- Mother of All Burnouts: From managing everything—including his moods—to finally realizing she wasn’t the crazy one, Elizabeth walks us through her awakening.
- Mini Steps, Mega Impact: Discover how moving into a different bedroom and refusing to play the smiling spouse at a promotion ceremony were small, powerful boundaries.
- From Silence to Sisterhood: Elizabeth’s healing journey took off with Flying Free, and she’s now part of our “veteran” squad of badass women who got out, stayed out, and grew like weeds in springtime.
Related Resources:
- Listen to some of our other recent survivor stories, including Lisa’s story and Erin’s story.
Article: Military Marriage Abuse: When “Support the Troops” Meant Silencing the Wife
Let’s set the scene: a young military wife, pregnant, isolated overseas, with a newborn in one arm and a narcissist in the other. Sound like a nightmare? It was. And yet for Elizabeth, this wasn’t a Lifetime movie. It was real life.
In this week’s Flying Free Podcast episode, I talked with Elizabeth, a longtime program member and survivor who took us behind the camo and glossy military family photos to show what abuse looks like when it’s wrapped in patriotism, spiritual manipulation, and good old-fashioned gaslighting.
Spoiler alert: it doesn’t look like a black eye. It looks like “You’re not supportive enough,” and “You’re distracting me from my duty,” and “I don’t remember that conversation because I black out when I’m mad.” (A.K.A. “I conveniently forget anything that makes me accountable.” Cute.)
The Isolation Trap
Elizabeth’s descent into marital madness started when she followed her active-duty husband overseas. Pregnant, newly married, and ripped from her support system, she experienced the classic abuse maneuver: the switch flipped, and the man she thought she married turned into someone else entirely.
Cue the isolation. She wasn’t allowed to seek help from others. After all, “marriage is sacred,” and we wouldn’t want to tarnish someone’s military reputation just because he’s emotionally abusing his wife and throwing furniture, now would we?
Patriotism as a Weapon
Here’s where it gets really fun (read: sickening). Elizabeth wasn’t just battling garden-variety misogyny. She was also up against the weaponization of patriotism.
Any complaint she voiced became a threat to the war effort. Her emotions were a danger to national security. Her attempts to have basic human needs met were spun as “unsupportive” and “un-American.” Because apparently, the Constitution says “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Making Your Husband Feel Like a Hero No Matter What.”
Blame-Shifting and Budget Battles
Like many survivors, Elizabeth tried everything. More sex, gourmet dinners, therapy appointments she had to arrange and drag him to, only to be told he’d “changed his mind” or never said what he said. She became the CEO of Household Peacekeeping, managing every detail of life while her husband “managed” a bank account with his personal fun money. Adult allowance, anyone?
And when he did let her have a girl’s night out (how generous), it was only if it made him look good. Abuse wrapped in a bow of fake benevolence.
The Turning Point
What finally snapped the spell? Not a grand rescue, not a spiritual awakening. Just a hotel weekend with a friend. Four days of peace. Four days of clarity. Four days of realizing, “I can’t keep doing this.”
She moved into another bedroom. She started tracking his abuse. And when the pandemic hit, instead of falling apart, she started putting herself back together.
The Invisible War
Let me tell you something: what Elizabeth went through is a war story. The difference? Her battlefield was her living room, and her enemy was someone who said “I do” before God and country. She faced down covert control tactics, psychological torture, and systemic cover-ups (hello, military police “good ol’ boys” club), and she won.
She won by refusing to protect the mask anymore. She won by choosing herself and her children. She won by telling the truth, and dealing with the fallout with grit and grace.
From Survival to Transformation
Elizabeth didn’t just escape. She transformed. Flying Free gave her the tools, support, and community to become the parent and woman she could be proud of. She’s now in Flying Higher, helping others navigate their own post-divorce glow-ups.
Her advice to women who are stuck? Don’t focus on the big scary steps. Just take one small step at a time. Move to the guest room. Start journaling. Say no once. Then again. Watch what happens.
Because when you stop managing their emotions and start reclaiming your own power, things start to shift.
Want to listen to Elizabeth’s full story? Listen or watch Episode 336 above. And if you’re ready to get your life back, join us in Flying Free or Flying Higher. Because yes, you do have a future. And no, it doesn’t include walking on eggshells forever.
Fly free, sisters.
XOXO,
Natalie
