In this episode, we’re taking a look at the classic emotional abuse push-pull cycle that makes us feel like we’re starring in a soap opera we never auditioned for. 

This one’s for the Christian woman who’s been there, twisting herself into a holy pretzel trying to keep the peace, hold the family together, and love like Jesus while getting emotionally sucker-punched by someone who claims to love her. 

What We Cover: 

• The nine mind-warping tactics emotional abusers use to keep you locked in their circus of dysfunction.
• Why your loving heart (and need for connection) makes you the perfect target, and why that’s not a flaw.
• The six empowering, grown-up strategies to unhook yourself from their drama without turning into a fire-breathing dragon.
• Why explanations are overrated, and how less really is more (especially when you’re dealing with a manipulative guilt ninja).
• How to set boundaries like a boss while still loving people, but from a safe distance.

Related Resources:

• Liked this episode? Here are some others you might want to check out: “Your Marriage Abuse Cycle Exercise” and “How to Respond to Emotional Abuse Tactics.”

Article: Nine Tricks Emotional Abusers Use to Pull Us Back Into the Cycle (and six clever ways to respond!)

If you’ve ever found yourself in the never-ending vortex of emotional abuse where one minute you’re being gaslit into oblivion and the next you’re being smothered in crocodile tears and promises of “change,” I see you. 

Let’s talk about the emotional abuse cycle that so many of us get pulled into like it’s our job. The abuser gets offended or put out, and he launches a verbal attack. So you retreat in sadness (or madness, totally understandable!), and things settle down. Then boom. Out come the puppy eyes and the classic, “I love you, baby, let’s start fresh.”

And what do we do?

We. Let. Them. Back. In.

Over and over again, like it’s a toxic game of emotional Monopoly and we’re stuck in an eternal loop of “Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect self-respect.”

But here’s the deal: These push-pull cycles aren’t your fault, but there ARE some ways you can change up that cycle. And to do that, you need to recognize what’s happening and arm yourself with actual strategies that work. Not the “grin and bear it for Jesus” garbage. Real tools. Real power. Real boundaries.

Let’s start with the 9 sneaky tactics abusers use to reel you back in:

1. Guilt-Tripping:
   You say no. They say, “I guess you just don’t care about our marriage anymore.” Suddenly you feel like the heartless monster because you didn’t RSVP to the family reunion.
   
2. Passive Aggression & Sarcasm:
   “Thanks for the distance.” “Well, maybe I should stop trying.” These little stingers sneak in and leave you feeling like the bad guy. You’re not. You’re just tired of playing emotional Twister.
   
3. Blame Shifting:
   Somehow, their bad behavior becomes your fault. Because clearly, their emotional immaturity is a direct result of you setting a boundary.
   
4. Escalation:
   When guilt and passive jabs don’t work, get ready for shouting matches, Bible verse slinging, or 57 angry texts in a row. Because obviously, spiritual maturity = emotional terrorism.
   
5. All-or-Nothing Thinking:
   “Fine. I guess you never loved me.”
   
6. Love Bombing:
   Right after the storm, cue the “I can’t live without you” act. You know, the same person who was cursing you out 24 hours ago. Emotional whiplash, anyone?
   
7. Testing Boundaries:
   They’ll poke and prod at the limits you’ve set like a toddler testing bedtime. They aren’t confused. They’re checking if you are.
   
8. Playing the Victim:
   Suddenly, you’re the abusive one because you dared to say, “Please don’t scream at me.” And everyone else believes them because you’re calm and they’re pretending to be a dramatic, sobbing mess for anyone who might be looking.
9. Endless Processing:
   “We need to talk this out until we’re both heard.” Which really means: “I’m going to talk you into submission using word salad, emotion, and sheer exhaustion.”

These tactics aren’t rare. They’re classic, play-by-play manipulations that emotional abusers use to keep you on the hook. But here’s what changes the game: recognizing them and choosing a different response.

So how do we escape this soul-sucking carousel of crazy?

Let me give you six powerhouse strategies that actually work:

1. Keep It Short and Sweet:
   Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, explain yourself. “The boundary stands” is a complete sentence. So is “I’m stepping away now.” You don’t owe an abuser a PowerPoint presentation on why you need space.
   
2. Stop Defending Yourself:
   The moment you jump into proving your innocence, you’ve already lost. You’ve handed them your power and said, “Here, judge me.” Try instead: “I’m not responsible for your feelings about my choices.” Boom.
   
3. Step Away from Disrespect:
   Words without action are just noise. If someone yells, mocks, or disrespects you, leave the room. Hang up. Close the door. Block the texts. Show that abuse equals distance, and kindness equals connection.
   
4. Return Only When Kindness Resumes:
   “I love you, and I’ll re-engage when you’re able to speak respectfully.” If they throw another tantrum, well, that’s their circus.
   
5. Avoid the Emotional Time Machine:
   They’ll try to drag you back into past arguments to rehash and re-traumatize. Don’t fall for it. “I’ve already addressed this, and I’m not going to revisit it.” Period.
   
6. Focus on Self-Respect, Not Control:
   You cannot make them get it. You cannot make them be kind. But you can make choices that honor your dignity, your values, and your peace. That’s what real power looks like.

And look, I’m not going to lie, setting these boundaries won’t feel good at first. If your body is screaming, “This is mean! This is wrong!” that just means your religious programming is kicking in.

Breathe.

There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s something wrong with the belief that love means tolerating abuse in Jesus’ name.

Real talk: Some people will never change.

Let that sink in.

You might grieve the loss of what you hoped the relationship could be. That fantasy version where they respect you, honor your boundaries, and finally see your heart? Yeah… grieve that. Let it die.

But also? Celebrate. Because you’re not stuck anymore.

You’re not crazy. You’re not weak. You’re waking up. And that is something to celebrate.

It’s time to break free. Not because they changed. But because you did.

You were made for peace, not for chaos. For connection, not for control. For truth, not manipulation.

Go get your life back.

XOXO,

Natalie

P.S. Want help with this? Join me inside the Flying Free Kaleidoscope where I’ll take you through a program that will systematically change the way you think, feel, and show up in your relationships so you can be the confident, courageous adult woman you’ve always dreamed of.