What if the very place you went for safety, love, and divine wisdom turned out to be the scene of the crime? Today we’re diving headfirst into the world of spiritual abuse. 

This week, I’m joined by Katherine Spearing, founder of Tears of Eden, trauma recovery practitioner, and author of a new book, A Thousand Tiny Paper Cuts. 

If you’ve ever been told that “God doesn’t want your happiness, He wants your holiness” while you were slowly disintegrating inside, well, friend, you’re in for a ride. Buckle up, because we’re talking:

• Why spiritual abuse is often so subtle you won’t realize you’re bleeding out until you’re halfway through a panic attack
• How high-control religious environments get you to abuse yourself (sick, right?)
• The toxic theology that turns God into a cranky toddler with a lightning bolt

Key Takeaways:

• Spiritual abuse is real, complex, and often normalized. Just because it’s subtle doesn’t mean it’s not wrecking your soul.
• You’re not wrong for wanting peace, freedom, and autonomy. That’s not “selfish.” That’s survival.
• Religious trauma isn’t just in your head. It’s in your nervous system, and it needs gentle care to heal.
• You get to get your mail from God. Not from your pastor, your husband, or some elder board in polyester pants.
• Patriarchy is the backbone of most spiritual abuse. If your theology only benefits dudes, it’s not the gospel, it’s a con.
• There’s a whole beach of freedom outside that toxic church sandbox. And God’s not mad you left.

Related Resources:

• Grab a copy of Katherine’s book, A Thousand Tiny Paper Cuts
• Connect with Katherine on Instagram
• Hop on Katherine’s mailing list and get some free resources while you’re on her site.

Katherine Spearing MA, CTRC is the founder of Tears of Eden, a nonprofit supporting survivors of spiritual abuse, and the former executive producer and host of the groundbreaking podcast Uncertain, a podcast that pioneered pivotal conversations around spiritual abuse. She also is a Certified Trauma Recovery Practitioner working primarily with clients who have survived cults, high-control environments, spiritual abuse, and sexual abuse. Katherine is a huge advocate for the power of art to help us on our healing journey. She participates in improv theater both as a performer and coach and is the author of one novel. A Thousand Tiny Paper Cuts, her new book on spiritual abuse, addresses the survivor’s recovery journey. She has been a guest on a number of podcasts, including IndoctriNation and A Little Bit Culty, is the author of several nonfiction articles, and writes regularly at katherinespearing.com and tearsofeden.org.

Article: Is This Really God, or Just Spiritual Abuse in Disguise?

What if I told you that the very place you went for comfort and belonging (your church, your “faith family,” your godly community) was the same place that taught you to hate yourself, distrust your intuition, and call it “obedience”?

What if the “wisdom” you were handed was actually a velvet-gloved version of abuse?

That’s what we’re unpacking in this episode of the Flying Free Podcast with my guest, Katherine Spearing, a trauma recovery coach, founder of Tears of Eden, and author of A Thousand Tiny Paper Cuts. 

What Exactly Is Spiritual Abuse, and Why Doesn’t It Look Like Abuse?

Spiritual abuse isn’t always a red-faced preacher screaming at you from the pulpit. It’s often subtle, insidious, and 100% socially acceptable in high-control religious environments.

It’s when people use God (or their interpretation of God) to manipulate, shame, control, or silence you, and then call it love. Think:

• “God wants you to submit.”
• “You’re being selfish for wanting peace.”
• “Leaving your marriage dishonors Christ.”

And here’s the twisty part: many of the people doing this to you genuinely believe they’re helping. They don’t see themselves as abusers. They think they’re your spiritual guides. Which is what makes it so terrifyingly effective and confusing.

Why Does “Holiness Over Happiness” Hurt So Much?

Let me guess. You were told God doesn’t care if you’re happy, only if you’re holy. And holiness apparently meant sacrificing your wellbeing for others, suppressing your desires, and staying loyal to people who treated you like garbage.

Sound familiar?

This line is everywhere in abusive religious spaces. It’s a one-size-fits-all weapon used to:

• Keep women trapped in harmful marriages.
• Silence anyone who dares to say “this isn’t okay.”
• Spiritualize martyrdom as the pinnacle of faith.

But here’s the truth: God never asked you to be miserable to prove your loyalty. Jesus didn’t die so you could stay in emotional hell and call it righteousness.

How Do I Know If I’m Being Spiritually Gaslit?

Let’s play a little game. Have you ever:

• Questioned something your pastor said and been made to feel like the problem?
• Been encouraged to “submit” even when your gut screamed no?
• Felt guilty for wanting joy, peace, or freedom?

Congratulations, you may be a victim of spiritual gaslighting.

And before you beat yourself up, let me admit something. I did it too. I used to say things like, “God doesn’t care about your happiness; He cares about your obedience.” I told that to friends. I told it to myself. And I believed it because it’s what I was taught.

I was spiritually abusive to others because I was spiritually abused first.

Can You Still Trust God After Spiritual Abuse?

Short answer: Yes. Long answer: Not the version of God you were handed.

Katherine shared how, even in the darkest moments of domestic control, she had this tiny flicker of truth: A God of love can’t be okay with this. And if she was wrong? That same God of love would forgive her.

This is how healing starts. You stop seeing God as an insecure authoritarian and start seeing Him as a loving Parent who can actually handle your emotions. Including your rage. Including your doubts.

If you’re scared that being angry at God will get you excommunicated, newsflash: you’re not hiding anything from Him anyway. He already knows. He’s not your ex-pastor. He’s not going to cut you off because you threw a spiritual temper tantrum.

What’s the Difference Between a Bad Church Experience and Religious Trauma?

Not every weird Sunday sermon is traumatizing. Some things are just…awkward.

But religious trauma happens when your nervous system gets stuck in survival mode due to repeated spiritual harm, often in an environment where you had no power to escape or fight back.

And surprise, surprise: patriarchy ensures women have less power in those settings. So guess who ends up traumatized the most?

That’s why two people can sit through the same toxic sermon. One shrugs it off, the other goes home and cries for three days. Trauma isn’t about weakness. It’s about powerlessness.

How Do You Heal from Religious Trauma When It’s All Still Inside You?

You don’t “think” your way out of trauma. You move through it.

Katherine explains that trauma gets stuck in your body when you’re unable to complete the “stress cycle.” If you were silenced, shut down, or told your pain wasn’t real, your body never got to escape the threat, even if it’s long gone.

Healing means:

• Letting yourself feel what you couldn’t feel back then.
• Validating your pain (even if no one else will).
• Giving your nervous system the message: “We’re safe now.”

Bonus points if you have an empathetic witness to hold space for that pain. (But don’t worry if you don’t. Communities like mine exist because most of us were surrounded by Kool-Aid drinkers when we needed truth-tellers.)

What Does Patriarchy Have to Do With All This? 

Christian patriarchy isn’t just some weird niche. It’s the water many of us were swimming in without even knowing it. It shows up in:

• Teachings about male headship.
• Church leadership rules that exclude women.
• Expectations that daughters stay home until married.

Katherine came from the stay-at-home daughter movement (you know, the fringe-but-not-that-fringe corner of Christianity where girls were basically unpaid assistants to their dads). And when she left that behind, she landed in a “softer” churche that said women were “equal” but not allowed to lead.

Same power dynamics. Just better branding.

Can You Really Rebuild Your Life After Spiritual Abuse?

Yes. And it starts with walking out of the sandbox.

When I was excommunicated, I thought I had lost everything. Turns out, I was just booted out of their tiny, sad sandbox, and what I found was the entire beach of freedom.

God wasn’t waiting for me inside that tiny box. He was already on the shoreline, waving me over with a towel and a popsicle, saying, “Welcome. I made the WHOLE BEACH for you.”

Where Do You Go From Here?

You start by asking the questions you were told not to ask. You listen to the voice you were trained to ignore. And you stop trying to make peace with a version of God who demands your suffering as proof of love.

You are not here to be someone’s spiritual chew toy. You are not “sinful” for wanting joy. You are not wrong for walking away. You’re just finally waking up. 

XOXO,

Natalie