Welcome to part one of a brand-new series I’m calling “Emotional Abuse 101: Everything You Need to Know,” because, let’s face it, the church didn’t exactly hand out “How to Spot a Narcissist in Your Youth Group” pamphlets in Sunday school.

In this episode, I’m diving into 10 most subtle signs of emotional abuse, the kind of signs that don’t leave bruises on your body but do leave bruises on your soul. These are the red flags that fly under the radar, the ones that make you ask “Am I too sensitive?” or “Maybe I am the problem?”

Here are some things we’ll cover in this episode:

• The Silent Treatment Special — Why emotional withholding isn’t just immature behavior, and the real reason he’s using it against you
• Mr. Jekyll and Pastor Hyde — What happens when everyone else thinks he’s amazing, but you’re living with someone completely different at home
• Strategic Emotional Sabotage — The shocking pattern behind why your birthdays, holidays, and girls’ nights keep getting ruined 
• Weaponized Vulnerability — How opening your heart becomes ammunition in his hands, and why you’re not crazy for feeling betrayed
• Dream Crusher Lite™ — The subtle way he makes pursuing your goals absolutely miserable without ever saying “no” outright
• Plausible Deniability — Why you’re always “too sensitive” or “making assumptions,” and how this phrase is actually a manipulation tactic

Related Resources:

• Was this episode helpful? You may find these two Flying Free episodes equally worthwhile: “Does an Abuser Know They Are Abusive?” and “Nine Trick Emotional Abuser Use to Pull Us Back Into the Cycle (and six clever ways to respond!)”

Article: What are the Ten Most Subtle Signs of Emotional Abuse in a Christian Marriage?

Let’s get one thing straight right out of the gate: if you’re reading this, there’s probably a really good reason. You’ve been gut-punched by confusion, guilt, and this nagging little voice that whispers, “Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m just too sensitive.”

Friend, I’ve been there. So have thousands (millions?) of Christian women who have found themselves entangled in toxic relationships that masquerade as godly marriages. The problem? Emotional abuse doesn’t leave bruises, at least not the kind you can point to. But oh, does it leave damage.

So, let’s call it out. Let’s name it. And let’s start with ten most subtle signs that you’re not overreacting. You’re actually waking up.

Is He Saying One Thing and Doing Another (All the Dang Time)?

This one is classic. He says he loves you. He says he wants to work on the marriage. He says all the Christian buzzwords: “servant leader,” “God-honoring,” “I’m praying about it.”

And then… crickets. No follow-through. No actual change. Just a well-polished explanation for why he didn’t do what he said he’d do. Again.

If you feel like your expectations are too high, or you’re shrinking your needs into bite-sized, digestible nothings just to keep the peace, newsflash: You’re not needy, he’s just not showing up. There’s a word for that: neglect. And it’s a subtle form of emotional abuse.

Why Do I Always End Up the Villain?

Burned dinner? Your fault. Kids misbehaving? Your fault. Unexpected bill? Oh look, it’s somehow… still your fault.

Emotionally abusive men are masters of the blame game. He’s always got a scapegoat, and it’s you. After a while, you start believing if you could just do everything perfectly, you’d finally earn his approval. (You won’t. It’s a moving target.)

You are not responsible for managing an adult man’s emotions, choices, or responsibilities. You’re not his mother, his life coach, or his emotional punching bag.

Does He Use Your Vulnerabilities as Ammunition?

This one makes my blood boil. You open up about your fears, your past, your deepest insecurities, and he’s all ears. Until later. When he weaponizes your words to win an argument or twist your reality.

That’s not intimacy. That’s betrayal. And it’s emotionally devastating.

Healthy partners protect your soft places. Abusers exploit them.

Is Disagreeing With Him “Disrespectful?”

God forbid you have a different opinion on anything. You want to parent differently? You want to go on vacation somewhere else? Suddenly, you’re a disrespectful wife who’s undermining her husband’s authority.

Here’s the thing: disagreement is not disrespect. It’s actually just being a separate adult human. 

Mutual respect means both partners get to have thoughts, opinions, and preferences without being accused of rebellion.

Why Does He Pick the Worst Times to Start Fights?

Ever noticed how the tension always ramps up right before your birthday, anniversary, or that work presentation you’ve been prepping for?

That’s not a coincidence. That’s called emotional sabotage.

Controlling men know how to wreck your joy. They time their criticisms, coldness, or explosive silence to keep you off balance and to make sure you never fully enjoy anything outside of the relationship.

And if you call it out? You’re being “too sensitive.” Again. Convenient.

Is the Silent Treatment His Favorite Weapon?

Ah, the emotional time-out. He goes cold, avoids eye contact, won’t speak for hours (or days), and you? You’re scrambling to “fix it.”

It’s not a communication style. It’s emotional manipulation.

He’s training you to comply. You challenge him? He disappears emotionally. You apologize, drop the issue, or contort yourself into a pretzel to please him? Suddenly, he’s warm and fuzzy again.

Nope. Not love. That’s conditioning, and it’s soul-eroding.

Is He Dr. Jekyll in Public and Mr. Hyde at Home?

Everyone at church thinks you’re married to a servant-hearted man who is practically glowing with the fruit of the Spirit.

At home, he’s distant, passive-aggressive, or just plain cold.

This Jekyll-and-Hyde dynamic is especially damaging because it isolates you. If you tell someone what’s going on behind closed doors, they won’t believe you. He’s too good at the façade. (And your “whining” comes across as ungrateful and unsubmissive.)

But here’s the truth: the kind version of him doesn’t erase the cold version. They’re both real. And the cold counts.

Why Are My Dreams Always On the Back Burner?

You want to go back to school, take up writing, start a business, or even just go to dinner with a friend. And he doesn’t stop you outright. That would be too obvious.

Instead, he subtly undermines everything. The kids are a mess when you get home. He “forgets” your class schedule. He makes passive-aggressive comments about how expensive everything is.

Over time, you stop dreaming. You stop doing. Not because he forbade it, but because the emotional toll became too heavy.

That, my dear, is how emotional abuse steals your life: quietly and efficiently.

Why Can’t I Ever Get a Straight Answer?

You bring up something hurtful. He gaslights you into doubting your memory. “That’s not what I said.” “You’re making assumptions.” “You’re reading too much into it.”

He always has just enough ambiguity to escape accountability. You end up questioning your reality while he maintains his innocence.

This is called plausible deniability, and it will make you feel like you’re losing your mind.

You’re not. Your feelings are real, and your pain is valid, even if he “didn’t mean it that way.”

Has Your Relationship Become Your Entire (Exhausting) World?

If your emotional and mental energy is 90% consumed by decoding your partner’s behavior, managing his moods, and obsessing over how to be a better wife so he’ll maybe be kind for five minutes… something is very, very wrong.

A healthy relationship adds to your life. It doesn’t devour it.

If your relationship feels like a black hole sucking the life out of your friendships, your faith, and your joy, that is not normal. That is emotional abuse.

What Do I Do Now?

You don’t have to confront him. (In fact, I recommend you don’t. It’ll just turn into another episode of “Why You’re the Problem.”)

But you do need to trust yourself. Start writing things down. Talk to a therapist. Join Flying Free if you’re ready to stop focusing on him and instead change your own life.

You don’t have to have it all figured out today. Just don’t go back to pretending.

You are worthy of a life that is calm, safe, respectful, and yours.

And yes, you can fly free.

XOXO,

Natalie