What happens when you’re the only one trying in your marriage? When your partner seems indifferent, and you’re the one praying, planning, reading, learning, bending, sacrificing only to be met with silence or worse, resistance?

In this episode, Natalie peels back the layers of emotional and spiritual exhaustion that come from being the only emotionally invested person in a relationship.

Let’s answer a powerful listener question: “If I’m the only one caring, what’s the point of staying?”

Key Takeaways:

• One-sided effort isn’t love. If only one person is carrying the weight of emotional and relational labor, it’s not a partnership, it’s a survival pattern.
• Control often disguises itself as passivity. Abusers don’t need to yell or hit to maintain power; many use silence, neglect, and apathy to keep you chasing connection.
• Spiritual bypassing keeps women trapped. Many Christian women are taught that leaving a cold or neglectful husband is rebellion against God. But that’s not what the Bible says, and it’s not what Jesus models.
• You can stop asking for crumbs. It’s okay to stop showing up for someone who consistently chooses not to show up for you.
• God isn’t asking you to abandon yourself. He’s not honored by marriages that demand your silence, your sanity, or your soul. He’s inviting you to freedom, not bondage.

Check out the rest of the Emotional Abuse 101 series.

Get a free chapter of Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage: A Christian Woman’s Guide to Hidden Emotional and Spiritual Abuse by going to isitmebook.com

Episode quotes:

“If you’re the only one working on the relationship, you’re not in a relationship. You’re in a slow death sentence, and it’s okay to want to live.”

“Control isn’t always loud. Sometimes it’s a stone wall you beat your heart against, hoping it’ll soften.”

“You don’t need your partner to validate your pain for it to be real. It already is.”“God doesn’t ask you to sacrifice your soul to prove your commitment.”

Article: Why You Keep Second-Guessing Yourself in Your Christian Marriage (And How to Stop) 

“Is it really that bad?”

If you’re asking this question, you’re probably living through something most people wouldn’t tolerate for five minutes.

Christian women often stay in emotionally and spiritually destructive marriages not because they are weak or naïve, but because they were taught not to trust their own perceptions.

Let’s walk through the most common questions Christian women ask when trying to make sense of their confusing marriages.

How can I tell if my Christian marriage is emotionally abusive?

Start here. Ask yourself:

• Do I feel more anxious than peaceful in my home?
• Do I walk on eggshells, constantly monitoring my words and tone?
• Do I question my own judgment and memories after every disagreement?
• Do I feel like I’m slowly disappearing?

These are not random symptoms. These are the classic results of emotional and spiritual abuse.

(Take the emotional abuse quiz HERE.)

Abuse does not have to be physical to be real. In fact, the most dangerous thing about emotional abuse is that it hides behind charm, scripture, and subtle manipulation.

When abuse is spiritual, it’s even harder to name, because it is often cloaked in biblical language. You’re not imagining things. You’re not making a big deal out of nothing. You’re being groomed to doubt yourself.

What does the Bible really say about staying in an abusive marriage?

Many women were told, “God hates divorce.”

But what if that verse has been twisted out of context and weaponized against you?

In the full context of Malachi 2:16, God is condemning a man who betrays his wife. The Hebrew phrase sometimes translated as “God hates divorce” actually says “God hates it when you discard your wives and do violence to them.” Read the whole chapter in the ESV version. Pretty eye-opening. 

God is not asking you to stay in a relationship that slowly destroys your soul.

The Bible does not ask you to suffer in silence to prove your faithfulness. Jesus consistently stood with the oppressed and called out the religious leaders who burdened people with impossible rules.

God is not glorified by your silence. He is not honored by your suffering. He is grieved by injustice.

Why do I feel so confused about my marriage all the time?

This is not just in your head.

Confusion is one of the primary tools of an emotional abuser. It keeps you spinning, searching for answers, and blaming yourself for things that are not your fault.

When your husband is kind one moment and cruel the next, your nervous system goes into survival mode. You become hypervigilant. You start questioning your own sanity. You start doubting your worth.

This is called cognitive dissonance. And it’s a known psychological effect in emotionally abusive relationships.

So if you feel like you’re going crazy, you’re not. You’re just living in an environment where reality is constantly distorted, and your body and mind are doing their best to survive it.

How do I know when I’ve had enough?

If you’re waiting for a sign that says “Yes, it’s okay to leave,” I want you to consider this:

The fact that you’re asking this question probably means you’ve already had enough.

You might be waiting for things to get “bad enough” before you take action. But let’s redefine what “enough” really means.

Here are some examples of what qualifies:

• You are constantly anxious or depressed and can trace it back to the marriage
• You have lost your voice, your sense of self, or your ability to dream
• You feel like no matter what you do, it’s never good enough
• You are afraid to bring up concerns or needs because of his reactions
• You feel closer to despair than peace when you think about your future

You do not need bruises or a police report to justify protecting yourself. Emotional abuse is real. Spiritual abuse is real. And your suffering is real.

Will God be disappointed in me if I leave my marriage?

This is one of the deepest fears Christian women carry. The idea that by leaving an abusive marriage, they are somehow disappointing God.

Let’s sit with this truth: God is not disappointed in your desire for safety, peace, or healing. He created you with dignity, agency, and worth.

What grieves God is not your boundary. What grieves Him is the harm being done to His beloved daughter in the name of marriage.

You are not betraying God by choosing life. You are honoring the image of God in yourself.

Do I need permission to leave an emotionally abusive Christian marriage?

This one’s hard. Many of us were taught to obey church leadership or follow the advice of others before making big decisions.

But if you’ve gone to pastors or counselors and they dismissed you, blamed you, or told you to try harder, you are not alone.

Many survivors were told to “submit more” or “pray harder” as if the abuse was their fault.

Here’s the truth: You do not need anyone’s permission to choose truth over deception. You do not need approval from your church, your husband, or your mother-in-law to step into safety and healing.

You are the one living this life. You are the one carrying the weight. You are the only one who can say, I’m done.

What happens if I decide to stay? What happens if I decide to leave?

Only you can decide what happens next.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer, but there is a growing, compassionate community of women who have been exactly where you are. They understand what it feels like to be stuck between fear and faith.

If you stay, you deserve to do so from a place of informed clarity, not fear or guilt. If you leave, you deserve support and healing, not shame.

Either way, you need safe people. You need truth. And you need permission to honor your voice.

You do not have to have it all figured out to take the next step. You just need to stop silencing the still, small voice that’s been speaking inside of you for a long time.

Final Thoughts: What if I already know the truth?

If you’re searching for answers, you’re probably not lost. You’re waking up.

What if the real question is not “Is it bad enough?” But instead: “What do I need to believe in order to stop betraying myself?” You are allowed to choose life.

Get a free chapter of Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage: A Christian Woman’s Guide to Hidden Emotional and Spiritual Abuse by going to isitmebook.com

XOXO,

Natalie