Is being “nice” to your ex keeping you stuck in his orbit? In this episode, my friend and fellow coach Diana Swillinger and I peel back the layers on everything related to your ex.

We tackle the sticky, icky, post-divorce drama: how to set boundaries, why you don’t owe him or his people anything, and how to stay in your lane.

If you’ve ever wondered:

• Am I being mean for not giving a crap about his new wife?
• Is it bad to limit contact with his family?
• Should I let my kids like the girlfriend? (Um. You can’t stop them. Sorry.)
• Am I a monster for offering him the fine china after he got legally dubbed an abuser?

…then welcome. Pull up a chair. 

Laundry List of Scenarios We Cover: 

• When your ex still wants to be your BFF 
• When his mom keeps bringing up the marriage 
• When his new girlfriend is too nice and your kids love her 
• When his lawyer won’t quit 
• When triangulation sucks you in, and you need to say, “I’m out”

Related Resources:

• Flying Higher (https://joinflyinghigher.com) is my live mentorship program for Christian women pursuing increased confidence, emotional management, relational health and empowered self-development.
• Feel like a hot mess after divorce? This 5-Day Workshop will teach you a mind-shift tool to help you learn a powerful way to manage your thoughts and emotions in order to navigate adult decisions with clarity and peace. 
• Check out Diana’s website and explore some resources, listen to her podcast, The Renew Your Mind Podcast, and finally, connect with her on Facebook and Instagram.

Article: When Being “Nice” to Your Ex Keeps You Stuck: How to Set Boundaries with Your Ex, His Family, and the New Girlfriend

Let me paint you a picture: You’re sipping coffee on a Saturday morning, finally exhaling after a week of single-parenting Olympics, and BAM! There’s a text from your ex asking if you can do him a “small favor.” Cue the eye twitch. And his mom? Still trying to have a “heart-to-heart” about how you could’ve saved the marriage. And now there’s a new girlfriend in the mix who thinks she’s the Mother Teresa of step-parenting. Sweet.

I get it, sister. The ex’s orbit is a vortex. But here’s the deal: You don’t owe anyone a backstage pass to your sanity. Not your ex. Not his mom. And certainly not his girlfriend. 

Let’s talk about the sneaky ways we get pulled back in, and more importantly, how we can stop.

Are You Being Nice or Just Getting Sucked Back In?

Here’s the thing. Christian women are raised on a steady diet of “Be nice,” “Be polite,” and “Turn the other cheek until you have whiplash.” But there’s a big difference between being kind and being a doormat. Kindness is calm. Kindness is confident. Kindness doesn’t come at the expense of your well-being.

If you’re being “friendly” with your abusive ex so your kids don’t have to see tension, let me gently remind you: they already know what’s up. Kids are intuitive little sponges with x-ray vision. They don’t need you to fake-smile your way through conversations with someone who hurt you. They need to see you modeling healthy boundaries.

Respect is good. Pretending? Not so much.

Can a China Set Trigger a Trauma Response?

One of our Flying Higher women shared a story about offering her ex a beloved family china set. On the surface? Harmless. Underneath? A full-blown identity crisis. Was she fawning? Submitting? Being weak?

Here’s the truth bomb: You can give someone a plate without handing them your power. Giving the china set to your ex doesn’t mean you’re betraying your growth. It might just mean you’re a decent human being who doesn’t want to dump heirloom porcelain at Goodwill.

It’s not about him. It’s about you. Your core values. Your boundaries. Your healing.

Does Divorce Really End the Abuse?

Oh honey, if I had a dollar for every woman who thought the abuse would magically stop after the ink dried on the divorce decree, I’d own a beachfront condo in Maui.

Emotional and legal manipulation post-divorce is as common as bad church potluck casseroles. Whether it’s custody threats, child support games, or passive-aggressive emails, it’s all about control.

And guess what? You don’t have to play. You get to decide how you show up. Not as the frazzled, apologetic ex-wife. As the composed, boundary-honoring queen you are.

Repeat after me: I live in peace. He lives in chaos. I do not enter his vortex.

What If Forgiveness Is Being Weaponized Against You?

Let’s talk about forgiveness. Specifically, when people show up to drop little bombs like, “Forgiveness is so important” as if that gives them the right to comment on your life decisions.

Your response? “Thank you for sharing.”

Boom. Four little words that say, “I’m not having this conversation” without lighting anything on fire.

You don’t owe anyone your emotional bandwidth, especially not church ladies with opinions and zero context.

Is the New Girlfriend Replacing You?

So your ex has a new lady friend. Maybe your kids like her. Maybe they don’t. Either way, let’s get one thing straight: She is not replacing you. You are their mother. You are the tree. She is the breeze. And when the storms come? They will lean into you.

If your kids bond with her, that’s not a threat. That’s a win. It means there’s one more adult in their life who’s not a jerk. If they don’t like her? That’s okay too. You can hold space for their feelings without fanning the flames.

Your worth is not up for debate based on who your ex dates.

How Do You Deal with Church and In-Laws After Divorce?

What if your ex’s family still goes to your church? What if they act like nothing happened and keep pushing for reconciliation?

Listen. You get to decide how to interact with them. Say hi in the foyer. Sit somewhere else. Smile politely. Or not. You are not obligated to play nice with people who refuse to acknowledge your reality.

Same goes for helping aging in-laws. Do you want to help? Cool. Do you not? Also cool. Your kindness is a gift, not a duty.

How Do You Exit the Triangulation Trap?

Ah yes, the classic manipulation tactic where your kids become the go-between for you and your ex. It’s as toxic as it sounds.

The solution? Get out of the triangle. Stay in your lane. You don’t need to fix everything, explain yourself, or get dragged into debates about bedtimes, broccoli, or whose house is “better.”

You get to say, “That’s between you and your dad. I trust you both to figure it out.”

Aren’t You the Adult Now?

If you feel like you’re still a child in your own life, waiting for someone else to approve your choices, I get it. But here’s the best part of this whole mess: You get to grow up. You get to take the wheel. You get to live your life without asking permission.

Be the adult. Be the badass. Be the boundary-setting, chain-breaking woman your younger self desperately needed.

And if you want help doing that, Flying Higher is here for you. We learn and heal together. And be sure to check out Diana’s podcast, Renew Your Mind, for weekly brain-rewiring magic.

You in?

XOXO,

Natalie