In Episode 369 of the Flying Free Podcast, you’ll learn a term that’s more accurate than “narcissistic abuse,” and it’s actually being recognized in courts of law. This is part four of The Narcissism Trap Series, and it shifts everything from trying to diagnose your partner to recognizing what’s really happening to you.
If you’ve been stuck wondering whether he meets the clinical criteria for narcissism or whether therapy could change him, this episode will free you from that trap. Natalie breaks down coercive control—what sociologist Evan Stark calls a “liberty crime”—and why understanding this pattern matters more than any personality disorder diagnosis ever could.
Key Takeaways:
- Why sociologist Evan Stark calls coercive control a “liberty crime” (and what that means for you)
- The calculated reason behind those “small” controlling acts that don’t seem like abuse
- What happens in your brain when you start to self-police your own thoughts and feelings
- Why England made this a criminal offense in 2015 (and which U.S. states are following)
- The internal checkpoint questions that reveal if you’re living in coercive control right now
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Article: Is There a Better Term Than “Narcissistic Abuse” for What’s Happening in My Marriage?
If you’ve been trying to figure out whether your husband is a narcissist, I want you to stop. I know that sounds harsh. But I’m telling you this because the diagnosis doesn’t actually matter.
What matters is the behavior he’s exhibiting and the pattern of control you’re experiencing in your relationship. And there’s a more accurate term for what you’re living through: coercive control.
Using the correct terminology matters. When we focus on narcissism as a personality disorder, we get stuck trying to diagnose someone. We spend our energy wondering if they meet the clinical criteria, if they’ll ever get help, if therapy could change them. But none of that changes your reality. None of that gives you your freedom back.
What Is Coercive Control?
Sociologist Evan Stark coined this term, and he defines it as a pattern of domination that includes tactics to isolate, degrade, exploit, and control another person. It’s ongoing coercive conduct designed to strip you of your freedom and make you dependent on that other person.
Stark calls it—and I love this term—a “liberty crime.” Just like being taken hostage, coercive control actually traps you in your own life. Your autonomy, your choices, your sense of who you are gradually disappear until you can barely recognize yourself anymore.
The power of coercive control is in how deliberate it is. These aren’t random acts of anger or frustration. These are often calculated, instrumental tactics chosen because they effectively win privileges, maintain dominance, and limit your capacity for independence and even for getting out.
Think about it this way: the abuser uses repeated, often very small, micro-controlling acts that build into an environment of fear, surveillance, and unpredictability. Over time, you learn that there is a cost to resisting. You actually start to self-police your own behavior, your words, your thoughts, your feelings just to avoid the punishment you know is coming.
And here’s what makes it so insidious: these tactics don’t always mean physical punishment. That would be more obvious to us, right? Most coercive control happens without any physical abuse at all. And that is why so many of us struggle to name it as abuse in the first place.
What Does Coercive Control Actually Look Like?
I walked through the details of what this type of abuse looks like extensively in my Emotional Abuse 101 series, so I encourage you to check that out for more information. But as an overview, here are some of the general categories: isolation and monitoring, psychological manipulation and gaslighting, love bombing and intermittent kindness (sometimes nice, sometimes not so nice), control of daily life and sometimes resources, threats and intimidation, sexual coercion, and religious justification for their behavior.
And then for many of us in faith communities, there’s that extra layer. It’s demanding adherence to stereotypical gender roles and using those roles to justify unequal treatment. Framing control as just “traditional” or “biblical” or how relationships are “supposed to be.” These kinds of things mask the abuse as normal or even godly and righteous.
But I’m telling you: any theology that erases another human being’s freedom and identity is a misapplication of scripture.
What Are the Effects of Living Under Coercive Control?
The emotional and psychological effects of this kind of treatment are profound. Chronic fear. A sense of hypervigilance. Anxiety. Depression. Trauma symptoms. And a profound sense of loss of identity and self-trust.
You might even feel like you don’t know who you are anymore. A lot of women, including myself, have experienced the feeling of being like a child—like we can’t grow up and be an adult.
The practical impacts can be just as severe. You can lose your employment. You can have limited access to money or transportation. It can disrupt your education or your career advancement. It can isolate you from supportive relationships.
Why Does Calling It Coercive Control Instead of Narcissistic Abuse Actually Matter?
First, it shifts the focus from trying to diagnose your partner to recognizing patterns of abuse. You don’t need a psychology degree or a clinical diagnosis to know that you’re not free, that you’re feeling a lot of anxiety, that your life is being controlled.
Second, it’s being recognized legally. In England and Wales, coercive or controlling behavior has been a criminal offense since 2015. In the United States, several states have added coercive control to domestic violence definitions or created specific crimes focused on patterns of controlling behavior. New York, South Carolina, and other states are actively working on legislation right now.
This legal recognition says: Yes, this is real abuse. Even if you don’t have visible bruises, your fear is actually understandable and rational, and your need for safety is legitimate.
How Do I Know If I’m Experiencing Coercive Control?
Let me give you some internal checkpoints. These are questions you can ask yourself:
Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time in your relationship? Are you constantly scanning their mood and then changing your behavior to avoid their reactions?
Are you free to disagree, to say “No, I don’t wanna do that,” or to set boundaries without being afraid that you’re gonna get punished or given the silent treatment or intimidated or worn down?
Have you stopped seeing other people or maybe pursuing interests or practicing even beliefs that you have because you know it’s going to cause trouble at home? It doesn’t even necessarily have to be because they say you can’t go see those people or you can’t do this, but you know that if you do, it’s going to create all kinds of emotional havoc in your relationship.
Do you feel less and less free and more and more afraid over time? Do you sense a growing loss of autonomy and chronic fear?
If you are feeling persistent anxiety or shame or guilt or confusion about “Is it really abuse? Is it not really abuse?”—that can actually be a sign that control and gaslighting are taking hold in your life.
What Should I Do If I’m Recognizing Myself in This Description?
If you are recognizing yourself in this description, you need to know that you’re not overreacting and you’re not alone. Here are some first steps:
Don’t confront them about coercive control. If you directly name the patterns of behavior to your coercive controller, that can escalate your risk, especially if they fear losing power or are afraid that you might leave. Instead, focus on increasing your information, your education, learning what your options are. Start to build your support network quietly. And when you’re in the relationship with him, act as predictably as possible around them so they don’t suspect that you are actually getting the education that you need.
You can reach out confidentially to 24/7 resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can call, chat, or text for support, for safety planning, or just for validation.
Your local domestic violence or survivor advocacy organizations can also offer practical help—sometimes shelter, safety planning, legal information, counseling. And they often have support groups that you can get involved in.
Aimeesays.com is a victim advocate trained AI tool that can help you track the abuse cycle and offer you trauma-informed answers to many of your questions in the privacy of your own home, on your phone.
Start safety planning. Develop a personalized safety plan that covers staying safer while you’re still in the relationship and maybe preparing to leave, and then what to do after you leave.
What If Someone I Care About Is Experiencing Coercive Control?
If you are listening to this episode because you care about someone else who’s experiencing coercive control, don’t minimize what they’re telling you. Don’t tell them what you hear in many Christian communities: “Oh, you just need to submit more. You just need to pray harder. Try to be a better wife.” Don’t send them home with a prayer and a directive to comply.
Coercive control is sin. Not calling it out is sin. I was told when I called out my coercive controller that I was sinning in calling it out. That is a lie. The sin is the coercive control that’s happening. That is a pattern of domination that God opposes. It is a complete misuse of power that scripture condemns.
Any teaching on submission needs to bow to God’s clear commands against violence, oppression, and injustice—and that includes emotional violence.
If your daughter described this pattern to you, would you want her to stay in a relationship like that? If a church member was coercively controlling and manipulating your pastor, would you tell your pastor they should submit to that? Of course not.
The person experiencing coercive control needs safety, support, and freedom to make their own choices about whether or not they want to be exposed to that. They need access to qualified licensed therapy (not Bible counseling), legal help, and trained advocacy. What they do not need is more wacko theology that traps them in danger.
But Aren’t I Just Giving Up on the Marriage?
You don’t have to prove that they’re a narcissist. You don’t have to diagnose them or convince anyone else of this clinical label. You just have to recognize the pattern of control for yourself and then decide that you want to be free.
Transformation requires consistent daily choices, and not everyone is ready for that level of commitment, and that’s okay. But if you are—if you are ready to tend the garden of your own life and to reclaim your autonomy and your peace—help is available.
This is not about giving up on marriage. This is about recognizing when a marriage relationship has become a liberty crime. When you are no longer free to be yourself, to make choices, and to live your life without fear.
Authentic change creates feelings of peace and safety. But performative change—that’s the kind of change that comes because we’re just performing or pretending, which is what a lot of abusers do—that continues to create internal distress. You need to learn to recognize the difference so that when your coercive controller says, “Oh, I’m changing, I’m gonna be better,” and you don’t feel any changes happening, you need to trust that feeling.
If you need support on this journey, Flying Free is here to help you. Our community of Christian women understands what you’re going through because we’ve lived it too. You will be educated, coached, and supported for a fraction of the cost of private therapy or coaching. Learn more and complete an application by going to joinflyingfree.com.
XOXO
Natalie
