Waking Up Archives

Bad Advice Christians Offer Emotional Abuse Victims

You’ve probably read countless books and articles about marriage, how to be a good Christian wife, but if you’re in an abusive marriage, I’m here to tell you that these reading materials probably don’t apply to you. Many of the authors writing them don’t have any knowledge regarding abuse in Christian marriages, so there are no caveats, exceptions, or words for those women who are struggling with an abusive spouse.

In today’s episode, I take apart an article on marriage that I recently read to prove my point that these articles really are not made for women who are dealing with an emotional abuser. The article may be applicable for a woman in a normal, run-of-the-mill Christian marriage, but for those of you who don’t find yourselves in a marriage like that, this article is probably not going to be for you. Let’s talk about why.

A Story About Letting Go

“Till death do us part.” Those words haunt you.

The enemy was supposed to be outside your home and family. Easy to see. Protection just a prayer or a locked door away.

But the one stealing from and killing and destroying you is the one you lie beside at night. The one you promised your forever to.

And he’s counting on it.

Do Marriage Intensives Work?

Marriage intensives: What are they? Do they work? Are they worth the money? Can a marriage intensive change an abuser? I get these questions often, and I asked the same questions myself. In fact, I believed in marriage intensives so fully that I spent $7,500 just for a man to take pictures of my angry face and talk about his own practice and family for one-third of the time. (Need context? Me too, girl. Go listen to the episode!)

Let’s discuss whether a marriage intensive is helpful when dealing with an abusive husband, whether it helped my marriage personally, and then some things you can do without spending $7,500 to “save” your marriage. I’ve got a list. A very fun list.

Different Ways Emotional Abusers Don’t Take Responsibility for Their Behavior

He wants to treat me better. He just doesn’t know how.

He says he’s sorry. He really hates how he acts.

He’s struggling. He can’t help it.

Do you have these thoughts about your husband?

Have these thoughts led to anything good? More peace? Change (on his part)? Hope that lasts? A better marriage? A never-ending bucket of fried chicken?

Didn’t think so.

I have some other thoughts to offer. You can take them or leave them. They might seem cynical and hopeless on the surface. But I believe they’re the means to all the things you’re hoping for…except one.

This episode comes with not one but two guarantees:

Adults have 100% control over their behavior. And you have a 0% chance of making someone grow or change when they don’t want to.

But Didn’t I Promise to Stay in Sickness and in Health? What About Mental Illness?

When you react to your husband’s abuse, it can feel like you’re the abuser.

When he tells you how hard his childhood was, you may feel sorry for him.

When you read about personality disorders, some of the symptoms fit you.

When you read about mental illness, the symptoms also fit him.

Which makes you wonder…

If your husband was abused, is it really fair to hold his harmful behavior against him?

If he has unresolved trauma or a personality disorder, is it wrong to expect him to treat you better?

And even more confusing…

What if your C-PTSD sometimes mimics a personality disorder?

What if your traumatic responses seem abusive?

Is the Bible Against Women?

It took 11 words to change the world. 11 words misinterpreted. 11 words misunderstood. 11 words manipulated.

A single sentence from the mouth of God to the first woman…Eve. A pronouncement. A prediction. A curse. Or was it?

Do you know these words?

Prepare yourself. Because you’re about to learn their TRUE meaning.

It might blow. your. mind. And it will change the world…again.

What You Can Do When Your Christian Husband Bullies You Part One

You are married to a bully. If only he’d steal your lunch money or call you a dingus during math class and be done with it.

Instead, he makes everything into a torturous game with changing rules that benefit one person. Himself. On the really bad days, you want to learn karate and get featured on the evening news.

Take heart, sweet potato. There’s a better way.

I’ve graphed his sleazy points and made a road map for dealing with his shenanigans.

Fair warning: It’s gonna take guts but it will be well worth it. And you won’t even need karate.

Why Hanging on to Hope in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship Doesn’t Work

“Till death do us part.” Those words haunt you.

The enemy was supposed to be outside of your home and family. Easy to see. Protection just a prayer or a locked door away.

But the one stealing from and killing and destroying you is the one you lie beside at night. The one you promised your forever to.

And he’s counting on it.

My Three Biggest Mistakes When Getting Away From Emotional Abuse Part One

Put your stretchy pants on, cause this episode’s a three-course dinner on what NOT to do once you realize your marriage is a hamster wheel of emotional abuse.

These three mistakes caused me greater pain, for much longer. But I didn’t know then what I know now. Because when we KNOW differently, we DO differently.

And that’s what Flying Free is all about.

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