You’ve survived the marriage from Hades, signed the divorce papers, and maybe even had your ceremonial “burn the wedding dress” moment. 

Your kids are grown, they have opinions (lots of them), and some of those opinions are… not in your favor. If you’re wondering how to rebuild, repair, or even just exist in relationship with your adult children post-divorce without losing your mind (or your will to live), this episode is your safe space.

I sit down with my friend and fellow coach, Diana Swillinger, for a conversation about the complex and often heart-wrenching work of parenting adult kids after divorce.

What We Talk About:

• How your adult kids might try to parent YOU 
• Why their black-and-white thinking isn’t your fault, (but also maybe kind of is?)
• How we passed on rigid theology and why it complicates everything now
• When your child blames YOU for the divorce (hello, Christian programming!)
• The fine line between a heartfelt apology and a full-blown grovel-fest
• Using cognitive behavioral tools to detach from their drama and stay in your lane
• How to hold space for conflicting realities without losing your own mind
• Hope for reconciliation, even when it feels lightyears away
• What it means to bring the peace (no, not a pumpkin pie. Peace.)

Related Resources:

• Flying Higher (https://joinflyinghigher.com) is my live mentorship program for Christian women pursuing increased confidence, emotional management, relational health and empowered self-development.
• Feel like a hot mess after divorce? This 5-Day Workshop will teach you a mind-shift tool to help you learn a powerful way to manage your thoughts and emotions in order to navigate adult decisions with clarity and peace. 
• Check out Diana’s website and explore some resources, listen to her podcast, The Renew Your Mind Podcast, and finally, connect with her on Facebook and Instagram.

Article: How Do You Rebuild Trust with Adult Kids After Divorce (Without Groveling or Losing Your Mind)?

Here’s something I wasn’t prepared for when I crawled out of the wreckage of my marriage: the painful aftermath of trying to maintain relationships with my big kids. 

Turns out, divorcing their “Christian” dad doesn’t come with a warm “World’s Best Mom” mug.

One minute you’re loading them into car seats and kissing scraped knees, and the next minute, they’re sending you angry Bible verses over text and explaining why you’re going to hell because you had the audacity to value your own mental health.

Welcome to post-divorce motherhood, adult edition. Buckle up. It’s a bumpy ride, but there’s hope. (And maybe a few swear words.)

Why Don’t My Kids See Things My Way?

Let’s talk about perspective. When you’ve been married for a few decades and have the emotional scars to prove it, you’ve collected enough life experience to fill a therapy office bookshelf. Your kids? Not so much.

They might be 25 or 30, but they’re still operating from a worldview shaped by a lifetime of black-and-white thinking, possibly handed down by yours truly (guilty). I taught my kids all kinds of rigid, religious ideas that I thought were “God’s will” at the time. Then I changed. I evolved. I left. And for some of them, that felt like betrayal.

They don’t see the full elephant. They’ve got their hands on the trunk, or maybe the toenail, and they think that’s the whole story. And God bless them, they truly believe they’re right.

What If My Kids Think Divorce Is a Sin?

Raise your hand if your adult child suddenly became a theologian the moment you filed for divorce. “Divorce is unbiblical.” “God hates divorce.” “You broke up the family.”

These little gems can hit you like a rogue frying pan to the forehead. And they hurt. Because you already spent years blaming yourself. You’ve already asked, “Is it me?” about 14,000 times. And now the humans you sacrificed everything for are accusing you of being the villain in their story.

That’s when it’s time to pull out one of my favorite tools: (thank you, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). It’s like emotional algebra for your brain.

Here’s how it works:

• Circumstance: Your child blames you for the divorce.
• Thought: “I’m a terrible mom. I’ve failed them.”
• Feeling: Shame. Despair. Nausea. Maybe all three.
• Action: You spiral. You over-explain. You write a 6-paragraph text trying to justify your life choices.
• Result: Your kid pulls away even more, and you feel worse.

Sound familiar?

Now flip it:

• New Thought: “My child is hurting and doesn’t see the full picture, but I still love them.”
• Feeling: Compassion.
• Action: You give them space, hold loving boundaries, and stop trying to manage their feelings like it’s your full-time job.
• Result: You preserve your sanity and the possibility of connection down the road.

What Do Healthy Boundaries Look Like After Divorce?

There’s this nasty little lie that says a “good Christian mother” must always be available. Always forgiving. Always agreeable. Always groveling at the altar of her children’s approval.

Yeah… no.

Healthy relationships have boundaries. That means sometimes stepping back, not to punish your child, but to protect yourself. I’ve had to do this with more than one of my kids. I’ve sat in my car and cried after being told I couldn’t even drop off a housewarming gift. I’ve written poems in the middle of the night, rocking in grief over a child who no longer speaks to me.

And you know what? I still love them. I hold out hope. But I’ve also learned to release them. I am not Jesus, and I don’t need to crucify myself on the cross of their disapproval.

(And by the way, they have all come back over time. Because the wisdom and insight that comes with age? That plays an important role, too!)

Should You Apologize or Just Start Groveling Now?

Here’s the deal: You don’t owe your kids a PR campaign. But if you genuinely messed up? If you yelled too much, drank to cope, pressured them to be quiet or perfect or get good grades so dad wouldn’t explode? Own it.

Say, “I’m sorry. That was on me.” Period.

But don’t overexplain, over-apologize, or beg for forgiveness. That’s just another form of control, trying to get them to change how they see you. And their healing journey isn’t yours to micromanage.

What If Your Adult Child’s Story and Yours Don’t Match?

The most healing conversations I’ve had with my adult children didn’t come from lectures or apologies. They came from listening. Sitting across from them and hearing their pain without getting defensive. Being able to say, “That makes sense, based on what you experienced. And here’s what I experienced.”

Both stories can be true. Even if they contradict. Even if it makes your brain feel like it’s being slowly cooked in a crockpot of confusion.

That is the holy, sacred tension of adult relationships. Welcome to the club.

What If They Never Come Back?

Some of your kids may not come back. Not this year. Maybe not ever.

You may be sending out little monthly texts into the void like I have, hoping for a response that never comes. You may need to block an adult child who won’t stop harassing you for your own mental health and grieve like your heart is breaking in half, because it is.

And friend, that’s okay. You’re allowed to grieve. You’re allowed to feel the loss and still love. You don’t have to perform emotional gymnastics to earn your child’s affection. You don’t have to be the perfect mom. You just have to be a human who keeps showing up in love, even when it’s hard.

What Are You Bringing to the Relationship?

Next time you see your adult kids (or text them or pray for them from your bathroom floor) ask yourself: What am I bringing to this interaction?

Am I bringing desperation? Shame? Or am I bringing peace? Love? Steadiness?

You don’t have to bring the pumpkin pie. Just bring your presence. Your boundaries. Your compassion.

That’s more than enough.

If this hit home for you and you’re walking this road of post-divorce motherhood, you are not alone. We talk about all of this (and more) inside Flying Higher, a membership for divorced Christian women who are learning to rebuild their lives brick by healing brick.

And if you’re still in the thick of it, living in the chaos of an emotionally abusive marriage, Flying Free is for you.

And be sure to check out Diana’s podcast, Renew Your Mind, for weekly brain-rewiring magic!

There’s no shame in needing help. But there is freedom in choosing it.

XOXO,

Natalie