Ever wondered what happens to your church relationships when your marriage falls apart and you do the unthinkable (aka, choose not to be miserable for the rest of your life)? In this episode, I sat down with Diana, Stacey, and Marie, to talk about the real fallout that happens not just in marriage, but in the holy halls of church after divorce.

What We Talked About:

• How divorce changes everything about how you experience church
• What happens when you realize your church was more in love with patriarchy than Jesus
• Spiritual deconstruction (a.k.a. following Jesus out of the building)
• Learning to hear God’s voice (Head’s up: it’s not your ex, your pastor, or the elder’s wife)
• Releasing or renewing relationships after betrayal
• Forgiveness: what it is, what it isn’t
• How to support your kids spiritually without traumatizing them 
• Rebuilding community outside of the institution (Zoom counts, y’all)

Related Resources:

• Flying Higher (https://joinflyinghigher.com) is my live mentorship program for Christian women pursuing increased confidence, emotional management, relational health and empowered self-development.
• Feel like a hot mess after divorce? This 5-Day Workshop will teach you a mind-shift tool to help you learn a powerful way to manage your thoughts and emotions in order to navigate adult decisions with clarity and peace. 
• Listen to the audiobook for All the Scary Little Gods by yours truly for FREE! 
• Books mentioned: Freeing Jesus by Diana Butler Bass, The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu, and Faith After Doubt by Brian McLaren.
• Connect with Marie on her blog, Live Like it Matters, and website, Spiritual Direction with Marie. 
• Connect with Stacey and find all her resources on her Linktree. 
• Check out Diana’s podcast, The Renew Your Mind Podcast.

Article: Leaving Church After Divorce: Reclaiming Faith Without Losing Your Soul

Let’s just call it what it is: divorce is hard enough without adding a side of “Your membership has been revoked and God might be disappointed in you” from your friendly neighborhood church. Been there. Voted off the island. Got the scarlet letter.

When I left my abusive marriage, I naively believed my church community (you know, the one that waxed poetic about love and grace) would rally around me. (Cue the laugh track.)

Instead, what I got were emails stuffed with Bible verses wrapped in glittery manipulation. You know the kind: where someone is “speaking the truth in love” while they’re quietly trying to shame you into submission. They quoted entire Psalms while simultaneously kicking me out the back door. My inbox had more Scripture than a Beth Moore devotional, and yet, it reeked of spiritual superiority and control.

But here’s the thing: walking away from a toxic church isn’t the same as walking away from God.

When Church No Longer Feels Like a Safe Place, What Then?

After my excommunication, I discovered something wild: Jesus never said your salvation depends on staying in the good graces of Pastor John.

In fact, as my friends and fellow coaches Marie, Stacey, and Diana shared in our podcast episode, sometimes you outgrow the church building before your faith even knows what hit it.

Marie’s story hit home when she talked about leaving during the pandemic, a time that gave her space to finally hear God’s voice without all the noise of committee opinions and passive-aggressive prayer requests. Stacey said it best: “I followed Jesus out of the church.”

Same, girl. Same.

Turns out, when we stop trying to fit our big, beautiful, messy spiritual lives inside someone else’s box (complete with assigned gender roles and Bible-based guilt trips), we find the actual Jesus, not the Stepford version preached from pulpits that treat women like spiritual toddlers.

What Does Real Support Look Like When the Church Has Let You Down?

Let’s talk about what support looks like (and what it definitely doesn’t). Real support says, “I’m here. I see you. I believe you.” It listens without quoting Romans at you.

Fake support says, “If you gave your husband more sex and wore more lipstick, he wouldn’t have cheated.” (Yes, that’s a real thing people say to women in crisis. I can’t make this stuff up.)

The difference? One reflects a God of love. The other reflects a god with a little “g”—a scary little idol that cares more about appearances and control than actual human hearts.

Marie nailed it when she said: “Their advice was a reflection of the god they served.” Oof. That line deserves its own cross-stitch.

Should You Stay in a Church That Hurts You, or Is It Time to Go?

Here’s a radical thought: You don’t owe your church anything.

You are not required to stay and educate them, fix them, or play the role of divorced woman ambassador. You don’t have to “help them understand.” That’s not your job, especially not while you’re still bleeding from spiritual wounds.

Like Marie said: “I will no longer conspire in my own diminishment.” That quote is going on my bathroom mirror.

That doesn’t mean you HAVE to leave. Of course not. But if you need a break? Give yourself permission to take one.

Where Can You Find Real Spiritual Community If You’re Not Going to Church?

Leaving church doesn’t mean you’re doomed to spiritual loneliness. In fact, it often means you get to build something better, something more honest, more diverse, and more rooted in real love.

Stacey started the Deconstruction Zone, an online space for women to ask hard theological questions. Marie found deep friendships through grad school, pickleball (yes, really), and diverse community groups that look a heck of a lot more like Acts 2 than her former megachurch ever did. Diana created one-on-one spiritual connections with people who let her ask the big, scary questions about Jesus, salvation, and everything in between without flinching.

God shows up in all of those places.

Why Are We Still Putting Spiritual Leaders on Pedestals?

One of the most liberating truths post-divorce is this: You are the spiritual leader of your own life.

You don’t need a pastor to tell you what God is saying. You don’t need a man with a mic to interpret Scripture for you. You have the Holy Spirit. You have wisdom. You have your gut, which, by the way, is a better theological compass than half the sermons I’ve sat through.

(John 14:26, John 16:13, Romans 8:14, Ezekiel 36:27…just to get you started.)

Stacey put it perfectly: “When we reclaim our spiritual leadership, we don’t need someone else to give us the right answer. We learn to trust our own discernment.”

Amen and hallelujah.

Can You Forgive Without Restoring the Relationship?

Let’s clear this up: Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.

You can forgive someone and still block them on every platform known to man. You can forgive your church leaders and still avoid their table at Applebee’s.

Desmond Tutu said forgiveness gives us the choice to renew or release a relationship. That truth set me free. Because some relationships are not safe to renew. And guess what? That’s not un-Christian. That’s just wisdom.

How Do We Support Our Kids Spiritually When We’re Not in Church Anymore?

So many women worry about how to “spiritually lead” their kids after leaving church. Can I tell you something wild?

Your kids are already held. By God. By Love. By the same Spirit that holds you.

Stacey shared how her daughter once said she didn’t believe in God anymore. Instead of panicking, she responded with empathy and honesty: “I don’t believe in that version of God either.” That’s what spiritual parenting looks like. It’s not about control, it’s about connection.

What If You’re Not Lost, Just Being Led Somewhere New?

If you’ve left your church or are thinking about it, you’re not crazy. You’re not rebellious. You’re not “out of God’s will.”

You’re waking up.

You’re learning to listen to God without the middlemen. You’re building community with people who reflect Christ, not just recite verses. You’re reclaiming your voice, your agency, and your divine dignity.

You’re not alone, and you’re not lost. You are being led, even if the road looks nothing like what you were taught in Sunday school.

And to that I say: Welcome. The real Church, capital C, is so much bigger than we were ever told. And she is glorious.

Want More?

If you’re a divorced Christian woman rebuilding your life, join us inside Flying Higher. We do spiritual deconstruction, emotional healing, coaching, and straight-up sisterhood, all without the church trauma.

Because your soul deserves freedom. And your story’s just getting started.

XOXO

Natalie

P.S. Want to listen to my book, All the Scary Little Gods for FREE? Head over HERE.