Marriage Intensives Can Deepen an Emotional Abuse Victim’s Trauma
December 26, 2023
Will a marriage intensive work to save my marriage?
Will a marriage intensive work to save my marriage?
Today’s episode is taken from a live Q&A I did a couple of months ago within the Flying Free program. In this episode, I cover the following issues:
– I keep feeling like his sadness, loss, and grief over losing me are all my fault.
– All of a sudden, my husband has a lawyer and a few other suspicious things going on. I know I need a lawyer now too, but I don’t have any money and I don’t have any time, and I’m stuck.
– I’m having a hard time speaking my own opinions without stumbling over my words.
– I feel selfish for wanting a divorce, and I feel resentful that it’s dragging out.
– I’m in an abusive marriage and I’m struggling with how not to feel hurt or react to the ways that he is harming me.
– I’ve spent the last three years dragging my feet about filing for divorce. How do I move forward?
What does showing up for your children mean once they are adults? It is selfish to “let them go,” make mistakes, and struggle as they make their own way in the world? Also, why in the world would an abuser file for divorce from his victim? Isn’t it usually the other way around?
Natalie is back answering listener questions, and her insights will encourage and support you.
Is abuse more widespread than ever before or are we more aware of it? Are churches listening to the cries of abused women? Is anything getting better?
I’m joined by advocates Sarah McDugal, Ngina Otiende, and Gretchen Baskerville, and my former podcast sidekick Rachel Harden as we celebrate the 200th Flying Free podcast episode and discuss the incredible support and awareness that’s growing in the Christian survivor community.
We believe the tide is changing, and every single survivor is part of a growing wave of truth tellers, critical thinkers, and courageous voices.
Would you play a card game with a cheater? Once maybe, right? Then, it’s a solid H-E-double-hockey-stick no.
What about for a month? A year? Five years? Twenty?
Would you tell your daughter to play with a cheater? Your best friend?
I’m gonna guess the answer is “abso-freaking-lutely not!”
So why do we think we “owe” a husband who has shown himself to be abusive any more of our precious time?
Abusers who leave a relationship are as rare as steak tartare.
In fact, waiting for an abuser to leave is similar to waiting for them to change.
Or asking for a hippopotamus for Christmas. Riding a unicorn. Losing weight on a cake-only diet.
Not likely.
If abusers are so unhappy with their victims, why don’t they leave first? Because staying fits within the point of abuse: to control you. And unless he’s discovered an excellent and easy alternative, you’re an endless supply for your emotional abuser’s selfishness.
On top of that, if you’re a Christian woman, he knows you take your vows seriously. He’s counting on you to stick it out, no matter what. He’s got “God” on his side.
Finally, when he mistreats you, like any sane person or hurt puppy, you react, and it ain’t pretty. You’re so ashamed of your behavior. He knows it. So instead of focusing on the harm he’s doing, you’re consumed by what a failure—a raging, bitter wretch of a person—you feel like. And you wonder: Am I the abuser?
You’re stuck between a boulder (an impossible, destructive marriage) and a hard place (your paralyzing beliefs).
What now?