Ever been told you’re too sensitive? That you just need to forgive more? Or that if you were a better Christian wife, everything would magically get better?
Yeah. Me too. And Dr. Ramani Durvasula’s book It’s Not You is here to throw a holy wrench into that narrative.
In this week’s episode of the Flying Free Podcast, I’m unpacking the powerful truths in this book and showing you exactly how it validates the lived reality of women in emotionally and spiritually abusive relationships.
We’re talking:
- What narcissistic abuse actually looks like (hint: it’s not always loud or obvious)
- The spectrum of narcissism and how it shows up in faith communities
- How to stop blaming yourself and start protecting your peace
- Practical strategies to regain your emotional footing (no seminary degree required)
This episode is part validation, part education, and 100% you’re-not-crazy encouragement. If you’ve ever felt spiritually duped or emotionally wrung out in a relationship that was supposed to be “biblical,” I promise—this one will hit home in the best way.
Hit play, breathe deep, and remember: You are not the problem. You never were.
Related Resources:
- Read Dr. Ramani’s book for yourself, It’s Not You.
- Check out some related, past Flying Free episodes: “What is Gaslighting in a Toxic Narcissistic Relationship” and “Using Art to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse.”
Article: Narcissistic Abuse in Christian Relationships
Welcome, beautiful butterflies, to a deep dive into one of the biggest game-changers for anyone tangled up in a toxic, confusing relationship. Ever feel like someone in your life makes you question your own reality? Walking on eggshells, constantly doubting yourself, and never feeling good enough? Buckle up, because Dr. Ramani Durvasula has a message for you in her new book, It’s Not You.
Now, the title alone made me snort out loud because, as many of you know, my own book for Christian women is called Is It Me? And while my book specifically unpacks the unique struggles Christian women face in relationships with covertly abusive, patriarchal men who treat them like second-class citizens, Dr. Ramani takes a broader look at narcissistic relationships in general. And honestly? I wish I had this book during my own awakening—it would have saved me so much time (and therapy money) figuring out why I always felt like I was losing my mind.
The Empathy Trap (AKA: How Kind, Loving Women Get Sucked In)
Dr. Ramani describes what she calls the empathy trap. You know the one: you’re a kind, conscientious person (hi, sister!), always trying to be understanding, to see things from their perspective, to be a good Christian wife/mother/friend/daughter. And yet, somehow, the more you accommodate their needs, the more depleted, confused, and exhausted you become.
It’s like having a bank account where you keep making deposits—compassion, patience, effort—but they only make withdrawals. And guess what? Your balance is overdrawn.
What Even Is Narcissism?
According to Dr. Ramani, narcissism exists on a spectrum. A little bit of self-confidence? Totally normal. Full-blown pathological narcissism? A relationship-wrecking nightmare. Here are the hallmarks of someone who’s way too far on the narcissism scale:
- Lack of Empathy – They cannot, will not, and shall not care about your feelings. End of story.
- Grandiosity & Entitlement – Whether overt or covert, they believe they are superior and deserve special treatment without effort.
- Constant Need for Validation – Their self-worth depends on endless admiration. Constructive feedback? Oh no, that’s a personal attack!
- Manipulation & Gaslighting – They distort reality, blame-shift, and make you question your own sanity.
- Exploitative Behavior – Relationships with them are always one-sided. They take, take, take, and take some more.
- Superficial Charm – At first, they’re charismatic and engaging. Then, over time, you realize it’s all surface—there’s no real depth.
The Different Flavors of Narcissists
Not all narcissists wear the same costume. Dr. Ramani outlines several different types:
- Grandiose Narcissists – The flashy, braggy, over-the-top types (often found in politics, Hollywood, and mega-church pulpits).
- Vulnerable (Covert) Narcissists – They seem insecure, they play the victim, but don’t be fooled—they’re still manipulative.
- Malignant Narcissists – Mix narcissism with aggression and sociopathic tendencies and you get this delightful combo.
- Communal Narcissists – They present as super charitable and selfless… but it’s all for personal recognition.
Protecting Yourself: How to Spot & Shut It Down
Here’s where things get really practical. Dr. Ramani lays out a battle plan for protecting yourself from narcissistic manipulation:
1. Recognize Red Flags Early
- If someone constantly invalidates your feelings, shifts blame, and makes everything about them, pay attention.
- Listen to your body: feeling drained, confused, or anxious around them? That’s important intel.
2. Watch Actions, Not Words
- Narcissists say all the right things, but their behavior will tell a different story. Trust patterns over promises.
3. Set Strong Boundaries
- Learn to say no without guilt. If that terrifies you, you need to join Flying Free, where I’ll teach you how.
- Expect pushback, but stand firm. Boundaries are your new best friend.
4. Limit Personal Information
- The less they know, the less they can use against you. Don’t hand them ammunition!
5. Use the Gray Rock Method
- Be as interesting as… well, a gray rock. Keep conversations short, factual, and boring.
- Narcissists thrive on reactions—don’t give them what they want.
6. Radical Acceptance: Stop Trying to Change Them
- You cannot change a narcissist. Stop hoping, stop praying for a miracle, and start protecting your peace.
- Accept who they are, and shift your energy toward you—your healing, your joy, and your future.
7. Go No Contact (If Possible)
- If emotional abuse, chronic stress, or loss of self-worth are part of your reality, no contact might be your best (and healthiest) choice.
- Block their number, remove them from social media, and distance yourself from their flying monkeys (a.k.a. their enablers).
Final Thoughts: You Are Not the Problem
Dr. Ramani’s book, It’s Not You, hammers home one crucial message: You are not the problem. You didn’t cause their behavior, and you don’t deserve their mistreatment. Your peace matters. You are allowed to walk away. You do not have to fix anyone.
And in case you need to hear it one more time: You were not created to be someone else’s emotional punching bag. No matter how much they twist scripture to convince you otherwise, your worth is inherent—and no amount of narcissistic manipulation can change that truth.
Want More Support? Come Join Us!
Healing from narcissistic abuse isn’t just about understanding them—it’s about reclaiming your story and trusting your own experiences. That’s why I created Flying Free, a daily support and education community for Christian women living in emotionally abusive marriages.
Inside, you’ll get:
- Courses & workshops
- Hundreds of coaching sessions organized by topic
- Live Q&As
- A thriving private forum of women just like you
One member said: “This program is like going from snack-sized healing to Costco-sized healing. Worth every penny.”
If you’re ready to go from surviving to thriving, come join us at joinflyingfree.com for just $29 a month.You are worthy. You are loved. And you are free to fly.
