In this kickoff to a powerful new series, The Narcissism Trap, Natalie Hoffman challenges a popular narrative in abuse recovery: labeling an emotionally abusive partner as a “narcissist.” 

While that term may feel validating at first, Natalie explains how it can actually work against your healing by keeping you locked in the wrong story. 

If you’ve been Googling “narcissist” at 2 a.m. to make sense of your painful marriage, this episode is for you.

Key Takeaways:

• Stop giving the abuse a medical label.
  Narcissism is a clinical diagnosis that can distract from the very real pattern of covert oppression you’re living in.
  
• Start calling it what it is: oppression.
  This isn’t about someone who’s mentally ill or just “struggling.” This is about power, control, and silencing your voice.
  
• Shifting the language helps you shift your mindset.
  When you stop analyzing him and start focusing on your own story, healing becomes possible.
  
• You’re not crazy or overreacting.
  You’re likely experiencing strategic emotional abuse often invisible to outsiders but deeply damaging inside your home.

Get Today’s Free Resource:

Are you wondering what is happening inside your own painful and confusing marriage? I wrote a book just for you called Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage. Get a free chapter by going to isitmebook.com

I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

Article: Stop Calling Him a “Narcissist” (Use This Word Instead)

You’ve been scouring the internet for months. Typing frantic search terms at 2 AM like “is my husband a narcissist?” or “signs of narcissistic abuse.” Maybe you’ve been hanging out on TikTok watching videos tagged #narctok or #narcissist, finding comfort in the similarities to your own story.

It makes sense. When you finally found that word—narcissist—everything seemed to click into place. It gave you a name for the pain. A name for him. It validated what you’ve lived through. But what if I told you that same label, while it may have saved your sanity in the beginning, is now keeping you from getting out of his trap?

Because the problem isn’t just who he is.
It’s what he does.

And more specifically, what he’s doing to you on purpose.

Why the Narcissist Label Falls Short

When we hyper-focus on personality disorder labels like narcissism, we risk turning the spotlight away from the systems of power and control that are actually holding us hostage. It’s not about whether he fits the DSM-5 definition. It’s about the outcome of his behavior: how you feel small, silenced, and slowly erased.

This is not about his diagnosis.
This is about your safety and sanity.

Call It What It Really Is: Coercive Control

What you’re dealing with isn’t just a narcissist.
It’s abuse—specifically coercively controlling, emotional and spiritual abuse.

He may use scripture to justify his domination and smile at church while destroying you at home. He may pretend he’s the victim and you are the problem.

And let’s be honest: calling him a narcissist can even help him. It gives him a label to deny, dodge, or even manipulate for sympathy. It allows your church or therapist to say, “Well, he can’t help it” or “meh, everyone is a narcissist these days, amirite?” As if you should just “cope better” with the harm you’re experiencing.

But calling it abuse makes it impossible to ignore and puts the focus on your safety, not his condition. 

So What Now?

If you’re stuck in a relationship like this, you don’t need more clinical labels. You don’t need to become an armchair psychologist. You need clarity. You need support. You need a path forward that doesn’t rely on him changing, because, let’s be honest, he’s not going to.

You are not responsible for his behavior. You don’t need a perfect diagnosis to justify protecting yourself. And always remember that abuse is defined by its impact, not its visibility.

You Have Permission to Name the Truth

If the word “narcissist” helped you wake up, good. Let it serve its purpose. But now it’s time to move on. Call it what it is: abuse. And then take the next step. Not toward fixing him, but toward reclaiming you.

This journey isn’t easy. But there is a growing army of women who have walked this path before you and are holding the light ahead. Go to joinflyingfree.com to learn more. 

XOXO,

Natalie