How the Book “Married Sex” by Gary Thomas Objectifies Women and Perpetuates Abuse
A Review of Married Sex by Andrea Aleksandrova
Please note: All citations are from the Kindle edition.
On September 10, 2021, Gary Thomas posted a blog post entitled, “My Wife Can’t Cure Me, but She Can Help Me,” where he implied that women can help their husbands overcome their pornography addictions by giving them more sex. The backlash in the online abuse survivor community was almost immediate.
After reading this blog post and witnessing Gary’s subsequent mistreatment of survivors on his Facebook page, I decided to read his new book, Married Sex, co-authored by Debra Fileta (Zondervan, 2021).
Before I begin, let me give a trigger warning: This post is sexually explicit. Please proceed with caution.
Throughout Married Sex, Gary sexually objectifies women. The advice given is dangerous for women who are married to porn addicts. Gary encourages wives to be personal porn stars for their husbands and advocates for a male-dominated power and control dynamic in bed, while Debra shifts blame onto women for their husbands’ bad behavior.
To be fair, it isn’t all bad. There are some good parts, especially the parts written by Debra. Debra often speaks to both men and women, frequently treats sex and marriage as something that requires mutuality and reciprocity, is respectful to women, and does not usually objectify them.
She gives some great communication tips in chapter eleven and some helpful sexual techniques in chapter three. She says things like, “. . . I invite you to open your heart and mind to taking inventory of your relationship and getting to the bottom of the well-being of your spirit, the condition of your heart, the state of your physical health, the depth of your emotional connection, and, ultimately, the accuracy of the beliefs and expectations you’re bringing to bed with you. Good sex is about becoming a better person just as much as it is about becoming a better lover. And more often than not, this process begins from the inside out” (34).
This all sounds very good until it is almost immediately contradicted in the next paragraph or chapter by Gary’s blatant objectification of women.
The Objectification of Women
Gary objectifies women throughout the book and obsesses over their naked bodies. Women are blamed for their inability to orgasm and for pain during sex. These are viewed as her problems and her responsibility (160).
This directly contradicts the research done by Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach, and Joanna Sawatsky in their book, The Great Sex Rescue (Baker Books, 2021), where they surveyed over 20,000 women and concluded that the obligation sex message (which is what Married Sex teaches) is actually a major contributing factor to the orgasm gap between men and women and to vaginismus. (Natalie interviewed Sheila about her book on the Flying Free Podcast HERE.)
Gary says that wives are supposed to view sex with their husbands as the highest possible pleasure. A wife is supposed to always be available for sex, is encouraged to sleep naked, and is told to revel in her husband’s kisses all over her body (1, 5-8).
Gary is clear—men need sex. Sex makes them better people. Without sex, men cannot thrive and their very identities are shaken (8-10).
A husband is to be enthralled with his wife’s body. Not with her. With her body. She is to allure him with her body because men’s minds are wired that way.
Gary says, “God clearly wants a wife’s body, specifically her breasts, to enthrall her husband. . . . This gives wives an influence over their husbands that can reset any power balances that occur because of other issues. Many young women have learned how one quick flash of their breasts can change the climate in the room for their husbands like nothing else ever will” (12).
Yes, he actually says that.
Men are visual creatures, Gary says, so wives need to get naked!
“A majority of husbands are motivated by sight in a way many wives will never fully understand. A husband is enthralled with his wife’s beauty and form and can’t get enough of seeing her naked. A quick flash of her breasts or the beauty of her bare back as she gets dressed can make many husbands swoon . . .” (54).
Gary says that men need lots of sex and tells wives to give it to them (60). After all, a man’s desire for sex works in her favor. His propensity to be selfish after marriage is fixed by sex. His desire for sex drives him to be kind and respectful so that he can get more sex (61-62).
Gary tells women to be very, very careful about how they say “no” to sex. He says that when a wife says “no” to sex it shakes her husband’s very identity. Women are encouraged to say “no” in a way that turns “no” into an act of sexual foreplay (64-66).
Not only do wives need to get naked, give their husbands lots of sex, and never really say “no,” but they also need to do all of this while having a great time.
“When a man can leave his wife panting, spent, and smiling after a particularly satisfying orgasm and then say to himself, I brought her to that mountaintop, thank you very much, you both win!” (67)
In other words, she needs to have fun so that he can feel good about himself.
And what happens when she can’t give him sex? Why, give him a hand job, of course. (68-71)
And how do single men survive being visual creatures who need sex? Well, says Gary, single men aren’t sleeping next to scantily clad women every night, so it really isn’t even a problem for them. (63)
Destructive for Wives of Porn Addicts
In addition to continually objectifying women, Married Sex completely ignores the wives of porn addicts while directly addressing porn-addicted men multiple times.
The book mutualizes pornography use and infidelity into a couple’s problem: “At some point in marriage, every couple struggles with something, whether it’s premature ejaculation, the influence of pornography or infidelity, pain during sex, lack of desire, feelings of rejection—you name it, someone is experiencing it. Ben had to understand that every combination of two people leads to a specific set of sexual problems. His difficulty was really their difficulty” (29).
In chapter six, Debra says:
“Men, it’s not ‘your job’ to make your wife wet.
“Women, it’s not ‘your job’ to make your husband hard.
“Blaming our sexual atrophy on our spouse can be so easy: ‘He just doesn’t know how to turn me on.’ ‘She’s just never in the mood for sex.’ But as a professional counselor, I (Debra) know one thing to be true: when you have no role in the situation, you also have no control. The moment you start blaming your spouse for your sexual struggles is the moment you begin to fracture the foundation of your marriage. But when you see your role in the situation, you can begin to take back control. When each of you takes responsibility for your own sexual pleasure, you can both breathe a sigh of relief” (84).
To be fair, they do give a caveat: “* A disclaimer about taking ownership of and responsibility for your sex life: we’re referring to the average healthy married couple and the importance of seeing your role in your personal arousal; we’re not referring to broken or abusive relationships, and in no way are we implying that one spouse is responsible for another spouse’s sins and struggles. In cases of addictions, adultery, pornography use, deceit, and the like, your personal responsibility is not to make your sex life better but to set clear boundaries and limits and take care of your emotional, physical, and mental health” (253).
That’s a really good caveat. However, it’s also tucked away at the back of the book on page 253, accessible in my Kindle only by clicking on a lone asterisk.
If I’m the wife of a porn addict reading this book, especially if I’m early on in my journey of figuring out how to respond to my husband’s betrayal, I’m going to miss this caveat entirely.
Here’s what I will hear instead: Pornography and infidelity are not his problems; they are OUR problems (28). I need to get naked for my husband a LOT and have TONS of sex with him. My inability to get sexually aroused is my own fault.
Talking directly to men who use porn, Gary says, “Porn actually trains your brain to find less satisfaction and interest in your wife. If we preserve a faithful and loyal mind, however, the exact opposite happens. When we make love to our wives, we get a huge hit of oxytocin. When the oxytocin is released, our wives become more attractive to us, while other women become less attractive in comparison. By remaining mentally faithful and regularly making love to our wife, we are training our brain to view our wife as the most beautiful woman in the world. And we are cementing our sexual satisfaction in the way God intended” (97).
This is some good information. However, if I’m the wife of a porn addict reading this book, I will hear Gary telling me, “Wives, your sexually-addicted husband needs to have sex with you in order to rewire his brain.”
In this book, Gary and Debra join the ranks of countless pastors and counselors who do not understand that pornography use is abuse.
They acknowledge that more than half of the men in their audience use porn, yet they entirely ignore the wives that these men are abusing (249). This is profoundly ignorant and unsafe.
Porn use and abuse are interconnected. If a woman’s husband is using porn, he is also abusing her—psychologically, emotionally, sexually, and possibly physically as well (for more, see https://www.btr.org/are-porn-users-abusive/).
Nothing is said about abuse or betrayal. Nothing about establishing safety for her other than a brief mention about boundaries and seeing a therapist (166). Nothing about her right to make her own choice on whether to stay or to go. Nothing about biblical grounds for divorce.
Only a message about “her role” in rebuilding trust, a problem that is “theirs,” and a requirement to give him lots and lots of sex.
To make matters even worse, men (including those who use pornography) are encouraged to solicit nude photos from their wives, and wives are told that this will help their husbands not look at porn (125).
Gary even advocates for a male-dominated power differential in bed as an example of safe sex (more on this later) (140).
The negligence is truly profound, both for porn addicts and their wives. This advice will not bring freedom or healing to either spouse. Instead, it will drive men deeper into pornography and women deeper into abuse.
The Personal Porn Star
In a Facebook reaction to Married Sex, Kyle J. Howard writes that current Western Christian literature teaches that “once a woman is made a wife; she should aspire to be her husband’s own personal porn star” (https://www.facebook.com/214715738998724/posts/1303796886757265/).
This is exactly what Married Sex teaches: Wives, be your husband’s own personal porn star! Here are a few quotes from chapter four to illustrate:
“At certain times, her nipples were like superpowered, high-octane sexual excitement boosters. Twenty-four hours later, if my hands reached within ten inches of those nipples, it was like splashing cold water in her face” (54).
“My wife hates her body, but she knows I love it. Thankfully, she’s not afraid to be naked around me. I love her breasts. Even after breastfeeding two kids, her breasts are just amazing to me. I could stare at them for hours. I also love her short little legs. She’s not tall, and she thinks her legs are fat, but every time she wears a dress or shorts, it turns me on” (58).
“In short, when you take charge, you can offer a full-body, 3D extravaganza. His brain is registering emotions, sounds, touches, smells, and tastes in a glorious mix that is unlike any other experience he has. To him, it’s not ‘just a hand job’; if his wife is into it, it can be a five-course meal” (69).
“Growing in your understanding of how his penis responds to your touch is a key to his heart and will often create a husband who is so happy he married you it will be difficult for him not to brag to his friends about why” (70).
“Let her know the ‘competition’ is over. You chose her. You want to see her. You look at her in a way you will never look at another woman” (58).
Gary also encourages women to text nude photos to their husbands:
“Abby’s husband, Kyle, loves to receive provocative body shots texted to him. ‘I’m careful about where I open up any text from Abby,’ he says, ‘and when she sends me a picture in the middle of the day, I can’t wait to get home to her. I’m thinking about her all day.’*
“Abby was at first reluctant to do this. What changed her mind? ‘It makes him so happy,’ she said. ‘He works really hard for us, and if I can sweeten his day a little bit, I didn’t want to unnecessarily deny him something as long as God is okay with it.’
“She took the question to her women’s Bible study where the opinion was mixed. The most common objection was, ‘What if it leads to him doing porn?’
“Consider the Latin philosophical dictum abusus non tollit usum, which roughly translated means ‘abuse doesn’t negate the proper use.’ Just because something can be abused doesn’t mean it can’t be used. In Abby and Kyle’s case, the texting is creating intense desire for his wife, not for other women, and it hasn’t led him to seek out porn. It also becomes all-day foreplay, so that when Kyle comes home at night, he’s ready to go.
“Shortly after they got married, Izzy did a boudoir photo shoot for her husband, Scott (the photographer was a woman). Scott calls the photos ‘awesome’ and says they draw him toward Izzy again and again. With those pictures seared in his mind, his sexual interest is centered on Izzy, and neurologically he’s less likely to be drawn to other women.
“* Note that some counselors strongly object to this advice, insisting that it’s too dangerous for a wife to put photos of herself like this anywhere, lest they fall into the wrong hands. There are ways (and apps) to guard against this, but husbands, if your wife isn’t comfortable with this, please don’t pressure her” (125).
While I do appreciate the caveat, the pressure Gary puts on wives to become their husbands’ own personal porn stars is palpable, especially with the added (absurd) claim that men who look at nude photos of their wives will be less likely to look at porn.
The caveat also gets entirely lost later on when Gary implies that the couple in the Song of Songs in the Bible would have texted nude photos to one another if they had had cell phones (146).
Power and Control in Bed
Gary directly advocates for a power and control dynamic in bed, citing secular psychotherapist Dr. Esther Perel:
“Elizabeth was a woman who lived a hyperresponsible, take-charge-of-your-own-life existence, which her therapist, Dr. Esther Perel, discovered was hindering her sexual enjoyment. Elizabeth’s husband, Vito, an Italian, prided himself on taking charge in the bedroom. Initially, that was a challenge for Elizabeth, who saw herself as always in control in all of her relationships, especially the romantic ones. When Vito introduced a different dynamic, a man taking charge, Elizabeth was shocked by how much she liked it and how much it turned her on.
“‘Because sex is a place where you can safely lose control?’ Dr. Perel asked.
“‘Yes,’ Elizabeth answered.
“‘It is the one area where you don’t have to make any decisions, where you don’t have to feel responsible for anyone else.’
“‘For me, it’s like a vacation . . . I don’t have to be in charge. It’s like being on a wonderful, distant island, far away from my ordinary life. I can just step out of my world and be somebody else, sexy and a little wild.’
“If your spouse lives a hyperresponsible life with many people depending on them, your taking charge in the bedroom is like giving them, in Elizabeth’s words, ‘a vacation.’ And vacation sex is often the most enjoyable sex. You can be all for egalitarianism in the workplace and yet in private let yourself revel in the thrill of losing control and letting someone else take charge. Dr. Perel writes, ‘The power differential that would be unacceptable in her emotional relationship with Vito is precisely what excites Elizabeth erotically'” (pages 139-140).
This is pure evil and has no place whatsoever in a Christian marriage book.
Gary also parrots Doug Wilson and makes sex into a complementarian, male-dominated act of power.
He says, “The very act of sex speaks of profound differences in gender: forcefulness that requires gentleness, initiation that requires receiving, control met with surrender. The complementary acts of sex reflect the divine truth of two becoming one, each partner adding something the other lacks in a gorgeous physical symphony” (55).
Compare this to Doug Wilson who says, “However we try, the sexual act cannot be made into an egalitarian pleasuring party. A man penetrates, conquers, colonizes, plants. A woman receives, surrenders, accepts” (https://dougwils.com/books-and-culture/books/flatter-my-heart-three-persond-god.html).
Gary even tells selfish men to concretely demonstrate change to their wives by giving them more sex. If this gets hard for the selfish man because he is not getting anything out of it, Gary tells him to focus on how awesome he is because he made his wife orgasm (197).
Debra shifts blame onto wives for their husbands’ bad behavior:
“From the very start of their relationship, Edward and Janice fell into their default roles. As the oldest of six and the most responsible child, Janice always found herself in the caregiver role. Naturally, when she met Edward, she carried that role into their relationship as well, which was easy to do, because Edward was the youngest in his family of origin, and he loved to be taken care of. . . .Fast-forward twelve years into their marriage when they came to see me, and they were struggling in their sex life. . . .
“I discovered that Janice found herself ‘caring’ for Edward in more ways than she bargained for. Because of her take-charge nature paired with Edward’s laid-back personality, she ultimately became responsible for managing their finances, running the household, organizing their family schedule, and being the primary caregiver for their two children—all while holding down a part-time job. It was easy and natural for her to take charge, but over the years, she found herself slowly feeling burned-out and resentful that Edward got to have all the fun while she assumed all the responsibility for the household. Edward had in effect become like another child in her eyes, just another body she was responsible to feed, take care of, and motivate.
“It’s important to understand that when a husband gets put into the category of ‘child,’ the power dynamic in the relationship changes, and ultimately so does the level of sexual attraction. When we constantly care for someone in the form of giving and giving and giving in the relationship—losing our expectation of receiving anything—we will find that our desire and affection toward that person begin to fade. We become the caregiver instead of the lover. We become the parent instead of the partner.
“And that was exactly what had happened in Janice and Edward’s marriage over the years. And now their relationship dynamic was preventing Janice from feeling excited and aroused by Edward in the way she used to feel at the beginning of their marriage. He couldn’t help her get to climax, essentially because she wasn’t allowing him to get her to climax. She had been carrying so much responsibility in their relationship for so long that she didn’t even realize how much of the struggle stemmed from underlying bitterness, resentment, and control issues. Edward had to learn to step up to the plate of their marriage, and she had to learn how to begin expecting him to—and then allowing him to” (202-203).
Yes, she blames Janice—not Edward, the overgrown man-child.
If Janice finds herself in the unwanted role of mother to her husband, she should not be blamed. Instead, the blame should be on Edward (who, quite frankly, is being selfish), and we should ask why he is okay with being an immature man who is making his wife take care of all the responsibilities to the point of exhaustion.
We should not shame Janice for feeling bitter and resentful. Of course she feels that way! She didn’t sign up to marry a man-child. She signed up to marry a partner.
The dynamic of the wife taking care of everything while the husband plays the role of the child is actually a red flag of abuse—a red flag that Debra not only misses but makes even worse by putting the lion’s share of blame on Janice’s shoulders instead of where it belongs: on Edward.
I do not recommend this book to anyone. It is not even for healthy marriages unless healthy husbands and wives want to learn how to objectify women and turn their healthy marriages into unhealthy ones.
I am honestly baffled that books like this are so easily written by Christian authors, published by Christian publishers, endorsed by multiple Christian marriage leaders, and then readily consumed by thousands of Christian readers.
There is nothing Christ-like about the objectification and abuse of women, and giving destructive, uneducated advice to porn-addicted men and their wives is downright dangerous. However, as a Christian culture, we have somehow reached the place where pornography use and the abuse of women is so commonplace that we do not even recognize it.
This should bring us to our knees.
Women (and men) are worth more than this! I’m not entirely sure how we got here, but we’re here. This realization requires massive, wide-scale repentance on the part of Christians everywhere and a commitment to unlearning toxic teachings that have been so internalized to the point that we do not even recognize them.
May God help us and guide us, and may he rescue the women who will be harmed and abused through the reading of this book.
- The Weird, Sexist World of Gary Thomas and His Weird Sex and Marital Advice Books to Christians – Christian Pundit - […] (Link): How the Book “Married Sex” by Gary Thomas Objectifies Women and Perpetuates Abuse […]
I am not sure I can describe my thoughts after reading this . Real genuine love isn’t about self gratification. Real genuine sex comes out of that love . This paints the picture that he owns her body , that sex is given to keep him from sin , and she basically is using herself to keep him happy . Absolutely no responsibility on his shoulders. What about her heart? Woman make love from their heart their emotions. We aren’t meant to be fembots . This is a super touchy subject with me and to know a lady helped write this book . Wow !!! How many people have been hurt by this and how many traumatized woman especially have read it and been more confused .
I’m confused about sex. I’ve watched YouTube videos from Pastor Jimmy Evans and his wife. He will talk about frequency of sex in a marriage, and when libidos don’t match up. He has said numerous times that the person that wants less sex per week should submit to the person that wants it more, so if your husband wants it every day, and you only want it twice per week, you should have it 7 days per week. What about compromise? He’s saying that the woman should give in and have it as many times as her husband wants. How can this be healthy? Won’t it cause resentment?
I don’t know who Jimmy Evans is, but I do know he is just one of about 8 billion people on the planet with an opinion and ideas about how life works. My belief is that sex done well is mutual. That means both partners are a “yes.” Without any guilt manipulation. And yes, rape usually causes resentment along with a whole bunch of other issues. Marital rape is unhealthy. But Jimmy can have his opinion.
This is just plain sick and evil…. please someone tell me this is not real… I can’t believe it…
I am 39, will be 40 next year. I have never been married… I had high hopes, but have always been scared due to what I see and hear going on. But I still have had days where I had hope that I would meet an amazing man… but that hope is all gone now. And the older I get and the more disturbing things I see and hear… I thank God I never married…and think it best to stay single. It’s hard…. but much better than being in a soul destroying marriage. I have been damaged enough just by the Church… can you imagine a bad Christian marriage on top of that.
You ladies are amazing…. my prayers are with you … God is not like we have been taught… May He heal and restore your souls deeply.
Have any of you been ashamed and embarrassed to be a Christian or tell people you are a Christian? Not because of God… but because of Christianity….. I struggle to even evangelize… cause I fear for them and do not even know a decent church to lead them to, and I know most peolple think Christianity is a joke anyways…. most people see the stuff and won’t set a foot in church… I am ashamed i could not see the same … I fell for everything. Why did i not see what they saw?….
Fortunately God has held me tight and has never left me not forsaken me… but I am still trying to navigate my Christian life…
Bless you all
Stay strong in the Lord and the Power of His might… and rooted and grounded in His love. He will see us through to the other side.
I think the pastor needs to reread his bible.
Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God.
1 Peter 4:2
Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul.
1 Peter 2:11
Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
Ephesians 5:25 (is what he is suggesting the way Christ loved the church????)
So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.
2 Timothy 2:22
But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire.
Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.
But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.
Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.
1 John 2:15
His book is completely unbiblical
I read the paragraphs from the book in this article to my husband. He was appalled and said, ” This man doesn’t speak for me.”
I identify with Janice, me being the oldest (of five) and my husband being the youngest child. We have been married for 19 years and I feel like his mother too much of the time. I’ve told him countless times that I need help and specifically ask for it (with our kids, finances, house) but I either get no help or I get help with a side of guilt trip for asking. With this dynamic he still wonders why I am not turned on 24/7. He then feels rejected and I feel guilty which usually leads to crossing boundaries. We have discussed these issues but the blame consistently goes to my side, anger and resentment builds between us, and we go around and around in unhealthy circles. I’ve been in counseling for over a year now, trying to do what I can to change my behavior, my caregiving and codependent tendencies, my people-pleasing nature, and my lack of self esteem that has contributed to this dynamic.
All I could think of when I saw the examples from the book was Natalie’s wonderfully yucky analogy of “the turd in the lemonade”. There are nuggets of what seem like good advice in the book – but when you look at them more deeply they are rooted in this “power-over” and man-centric mindset.
Thanks for directing me to this review. I’m recently remarried and we have been doing a lot of reading and discussing on many marital issues, so knowing what to avoid is helpful!
In reading, it’s hard not to think that Mr. Thomas has a porn issue himself, and is trying to publicly shame his wife for HIS problem. I’ve been subject to that kind of abuse, and all it does is make you think that God hates you. EXTREMELY unhealthy!
Dallas Willard said that the best way to prevent lust is to think of the other person as a person made in the image of God, for whom Christ died. I wish more Christian leaders taught men to have humility and integrity in their relationships. So many preachers and authors seem to be worried about maintaining men’s power and authority rather than teaching and modeling by example how to be people who truly love other people and follow the example of Jesus.
Reading this post made me angry. Where is the whole idea of Christian love in the book, which is patient, sacrificing, wanting the best for the other, etc. ? I read the Great Sex Rescue. We need more books like that. The Great Sex Rescue, though, made me aware of all the bad advice that Christian books perpetuate, which is so sad. These books, like Gary’s have caused so much shame and sadness and entrapped women, instead of freeing them. As Christians, we are to be looking to Christ to save us, not our wife’s body. We are supposed to be growing in self control and laying down our life for others, not blaming our wife for our lustful desires and expecting her to perform when ever we want it. Thanks for having the courage to talk about this book.
This is deeply disturbing. It brainwashes women into more of a victim mentality and will make it harder for them to escape abusive relationships, and emboldens men and gives them ‘permission’ to dominate their wives. And the spiritualizing of it just makes it so confusing when a woman may be getting those gut messages that something is terribly wrong. I think it’s a layer of distress that women may experience that is made all the more challenging to talk about, especially to a Biblical or church counselor if they are having difficulty in this area….and even more so if a ‘counselor’ has read this book and doesn’t challenge the concepts. It seems like these messages are giant leaps backwards…
I haven’t read this book but thanks for the warning. I feel sick reading this. I was married to an extreme porn addict for 11 years & sex with him was soul crushing! More sex is not the answer. You are just a body for them to act out the latest porn video. Chances are they are seeing prostitutes as well. Your orgasm is only important to them for their own ego. Sick!! I read one of his books & I picked up on his ego & his disrespect for women. Won’t be reading this one.
No wonder Christian men interpret the Bible to preclude women from teaching men or holding any kind of leadership position in the church! No wonder women are not taken seriously! What a struggle it would be for men to resist the urge to lust after them. That would so distract them from their spirituality!!
I have been in meetings with church leaders who will not even look at me while I am talking and look only at each other while they are talking to me.
How is this allowed to continue? Women, stand up and claim your status with Jesus!!
I appreciate the informative review. Honestly, it triggered me with the honesty and clarity of the incredibly harmful information presented in this book. No matter what small amount of valid info is there, it is completely overshadowed by the destructive advice and views presented by the authors. It made me feel nauseous to read this review after being in a marriage to a porn addicted “religious” spouse for 34 years (before separating), who played the Christian spouse at church to garner more “supply” for himself. The man I was married to was professionally diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Having studied Narcissistic Personality Disorder after separating and beginning my healing journey from all the abuse, I would never want to pick this book up to read and would warn against it to anyone, in a destructive marriage or otherwise.
I was married for 36 years to an abusive, pornography addicted narcissist. I needn’t describe all of the abuse my children and I suffered. But the abuse (sexual and emotional) inflicted on me because of pornography and the ‘support’ my ex-husband received from Focus on the Family, John Piper, Emerson Eggerichs, Gary Thomas, and others was the worst. I believe deep down, my ex-husband knew his treatment of me was selfish, abusive, and unfair. But, he didn’t care and these so called ‘experts’ gave him his out. He had this attitude of, ‘See, I can’t help myself. I’m hard wired this way and there’s nothing that can change that. So, you have to fulfill your God given role and do whatever it takes to keep me from going online.’ I want Gary Thomas to know the profound damage this kind of teaching has done to me and thousands of other women.
I’ve been out of my abusive environment for almost 4 years and am just now being able to read these reviews. Some might say I can’t speak on this because I haven’t read Gary Thomas’s new book. I don’t need to; I lived what he’s talking about and it caused me to stay in an abusive marriage for decades longer than I should have.
Thank you for posting this.
This is the same author as “Sacred Marriage: What if Marriage Was Designed to Make Us More Holy Than to Make Us Happy?”. It is another dangerous, power-over book. That book convinced me to stay in a dangerous situation for much longer I would have otherwise.
I experienced the same thing reading and studying Sacred Influence. I believe Gary Thomas has some real underlying issues with women. I will never read anymore of his books.
I read that book. I ignored the feeling in the pit of my stomach that what I was reading was wrong because I was afraid of disobeying God. As a strong, confident, assertive and outspoken woman I was shamed into believing those qualities made me rebellious and defiant to the word of God. I was told to submit and trust God. So I tried to implement the tactics Thomas speaks about in this book. I created an ever bigger monster, because I became an enabler. The sad thing is, this book was recommended to me by my Christian counselor.
Thank God I read Leslie Vernick’s book – The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. I was able to see that what I was thinking and feeling was not unbiblical and was able to muster the courage I needed to follow God out of Egypt.
Sadly, the abuse doesn’t end either. The church still spews venom by saying women like me cannot remarry because we didn’t have biblical grounds for a divorce. Or my personal favorite, God wants you alone. I don’t believe any of it, I know they are lies, but it still hurts to hear them – actually it angers me. The church enables and justifies abuse under the guise of mercy and forgiveness and power and subordination under the heresy of complementarian theology. If it breaks my heart, how much more our father’s?!?!
I’m so happy I came across a post that led me to your website and this article. Thank you for fighting for truth!
“…how awesome he is because he made his wife orgasm”
Horrifying and horrifyingly ignorant.
This, precisely, was the hell of sex in my 30 year marriage to a porn addicted (since age 8 so clearly I didn’t “Cause” his addiction) diagnosed NPD Christian? man. Unable to simply play in bed, he made almost every encounter overwhelmingly goal centered. In order to climax, I had to completely block out his need to make me climax for his own ego reward.
No amount of explaining ever changed this. I was expected to please him by climaxing from the techniques he decided I should like. Pleasuring me had zero to do with self giving agape love and everything to do with pride. Zero interest in me as a separate, unique individual. Irritation with me when I didn’t respond properly, quickly, gratefully. Complaints about my lack of initiation coupled with rejection of any sexual advances.
Horrifying but not surprising. Can’t even listen to Christian radio anymore – it always comes down to expecting women to accept all responsibility + any level of non-mutuality the husbands prefer. This is what perpetuates the man-boy / parent-child relationship. And it’s tough to set boundaries when the counsequence of enforcement (covert retaliation) often hurts the enforcer most.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
I had breast cancer at age 48. I lost my nipples. Now how is that going to visually satisfy my husband? So now I’m to blame?
Exactly. It’s wrong on so many levels. I’m so sorry.
yup! superb example of the crazy level of responsibility assigned to women for maintaining the relationship. It is his job, not yours, to figure this out.
what if a woman said “i had an affair bc i didn’t feel loved as a result of my husband’s refusal to take responsibility for the housework, children, homework, finances, etc.”
just heard another christian broadcast yesterday where the expert guest bragged about teaching his sons how to be excellent christian men by, once per week, doing the dishes and complimenting the meal for their mother so she could sit down and relax. [yes, she was the cook]
yup, once a week.
Thank you so much for that insightful and very important review. It’s just hard to wrap my mind around how this is being perpetuated. It is sick and so damaging. It brings me terrible flashbacks of the horrors of sex in my marriage. The damage and long lasting effects are hard to quantify. This may not be appropriate to express, but as I was reading all this, all I could think was, I would hate to be the wife of the author…just saying.
Andrea and Natalie you are to be COMMENDED for shining the light in the darkness about some very difficult things in “a Christian marriage bed” that IS ABUSE!!
Keep speaking UP and OUT about how these “justifications and minimizing attitudes” are ABSOLUTELY DECEPTION!!
At the end of my 20 year marriage… the last 3 years was FILLED with this torment of how to put my brain around my obviously sexually addicted husband and his porn use!
That was 11 years ago… and I surely didn’t get any help from the church then and reading this post and some of the excerpts from Gary’s book… It’s downright appalling that THIS MINDSET is still acceptable.. a book written about these attitudes and justifications needs to be REVEALED for the abuse and lies that it is!!
You girls have “a calling on you”… keep communicating all of this OUT-LOUD!!
Praying for continued wisdom and clarity for you both!!
Would someone help me understand how Dr. Esther Perel’s advice was particularly evil in contrast to the other parts of the book? Some of Gary’s advice seemed worse than Perel’s, while Perel just sounds like she is saying what others are saying.
Consider the context. Thomas is writing to Christian women, many of whom are dealing with porn-addicted husbands and emotional, spiritual, and sexual abuse. Perel’s quote and example are damaging for Thomas’s particular audience and totally unnecessary.
I agree that Perel’s directions would inflame, not solve, these issues. Thanks for responding to me, by the way.
Excellent and necessary! Shining a floodlight on the chronic issue of misogynistic, abuser/addict enabling books passed off as Christian Advice is so necessary. Married Sex is a blatantly reckless book that should be pulled from bookstores.
I agree. Hopefully, publishers will start to feel the backlash. I noticed the reviews are unfavorable on Amazon.
I read about the “breast flashing trick” to deflect an argument several years ago in a blog post on the “Forgiven Wife” blog. This was the first time I encountered this piece of “advice” and I’ve not seen it anywhere else until now. I suspect Gary Thomas had seen it too and decided to use it. Okay, it might work for him, but if I ever did that, my husband would wonder why I had such little respect for myself. How about using words and intelligemt reasoning instead?
I love Patrick Weaver’s insights!
Thank you for your voice in this devastating lie being perpetrated upon women who love Jesus, keeping them in bondage instead of the FREEDOM we have in Christ!
If a Godly marriage is supposed to be a reflection of Christ and His church (Ephesians 5), I’d like for someone to quote chapter and verse to me where Jesus says He’d EVER treat His Bride like this!
I don’t know much but I wonder if the author of this book struggles (or doesn’t, even worse) with pornography himself.
One word comes to my mind to describe the kind of sexual relationship a couple would have if following this advice: hollow. Thanks for the warning. — Claire