What About Addiction-Fueled Abuse? [Episode 323]

Is your husband’s addiction tearing your marriage—and your heart—apart?

In today’s powerful episode, I unpack the often-overlooked reality of addiction-fueled abuse. We’ll talk about how addictions—from porn and gambling to drugs and spending—impact the brain, hijack relationships, and leave women spiritually and emotionally devastated.

If you’ve ever tried harder, prayed longer, or changed yourself to fix what’s broken in your marriage, this episode is a healing balm and a wake-up call. I want to remind us that addiction is the problem—not you—and offer biblical, practical wisdom for reclaiming your power, peace, and dignity.

Key Takeaways:

• Addiction ≠ love problem. You can’t love, pray, or submit your husband out of his addiction. Change only happens when he chooses it.
• Addiction changes the brain. It affects dopamine systems, impulse control, and emotional regulation, making empathy and honesty difficult.
• You are not crazy. Gaslighting, mood swings, and financial chaos are symptoms of a deeper issue—not proof you’re “too sensitive.”
• God does not call you to endure abuse. You are permitted to set boundaries, seek legal protection, and pursue peace—even if that means separation or divorce.
• Healing begins when you turn inward. Like one brave woman in the Kaleidoscope said, “Help me get free from the constant pain”—and everything changed.

Related Resources: 

• Some Flying Free Podcast episodes you might be interested in: “Can My Alcoholic Husband Change?” and “Am I the Problem in My Marriage?” 

Article: When Addiction Fuels Abuse in a Christian Marriage

Maybe you’ve been told for years that if you just prayed harder, submitted more, or kept the peace better, your husband would finally change. That his drinking, his gambling, his spending, his lies—those would all melt away if you were just a better wife.

But let me offer you something radical: You are not the problem.

Addiction is the problem. And if you’re stuck in a marriage where your husband’s addiction is creating chaos, confusion, and pain, I want you to know this truth:

You are not crazy. You are not alone. And you are not obligated to stay trapped.

What Addiction Really Does to the Brain

When I first started walking this path alongside other Christian women, I thought addiction only meant alcohol or drugs. But addiction wears many faces: pornography, compulsive shopping, gambling, overeating, even obsessive video gaming. The result is the same—a hijacked brain that cannot function in healthy relationships.

Here’s what’s happening neurologically:

1. Dopamine flooding. Addictive substances and behaviors flood the brain with dopamine—the “feel good” chemical. Over time, the brain builds tolerance, requiring more and more of the behavior to feel the same effect. This creates compulsivity that love, logic, or prayer alone can’t fix.
   
2. Impaired impulse control. Addiction weakens the prefrontal cortex, which regulates judgment and decision-making. That’s why your husband can seem like two different people—loving and repentant one minute, deceitful and cold the next.
   
3. Emotional volatility. The emotional regulation system takes a nosedive. Cue the mood swings, blame-shifting, and angry outbursts you may be living with every day.
   
4. Denial and gaslighting. Many addicts cannot (or will not) acknowledge their problem. So they twist reality, making you question your judgment. That’s a survival tactic for them—but a mind-warping one for you.

Why His Addiction Is Not About You

Let me introduce you to Rachel (not her real name), a woman in my support community who spent years trying to “compete” with her husband’s porn addiction. She changed her wardrobe, lost weight, made herself constantly available—only to keep losing to his screen.

One day, a lightbulb went off: It was never about her.

His addiction was about his broken coping mechanisms—not her body, her love, or her worth.

This same painful dance plays out for:

• The wife who budgets obsessively, hoping her husband will stop gambling.
  
• The woman who deep-cleans the house daily, praying it will stop her husband from compulsive spending.
  
• The Christian who sacrifices everything, hoping her addict spouse will finally choose her over the bottle.

Friend, you could twist yourself into every possible shape—and it still wouldn’t be enough. Because healing has to come from him. Not from your effort.

The Fallout of Addiction in Marriage

You probably already know the symptoms all too well:

• Repeated lies and broken promises
  
• Financial instability or secret spending
  
• Hours unaccounted for
  
• Emotional volatility and blame-shifting
  
• Isolation from your support system
  
• Constant gaslighting that leaves you doubting your reality
  

You may even find yourself wondering, Is it really that bad?

Let me be clear: Addiction is addiction. Whether it’s drugs or pornography, gambling or gaming—the impact on your marriage, your mental health, and your spiritual wellbeing is very real.

But What About God? Isn’t Divorce a Sin?

This is where many Christian women get stuck. You’ve been told that God hates divorce, that a faithful wife stays and prays. But let’s reframe that.

Does God call you to endure lies, neglect, betrayal, and emotional abuse indefinitely?

No.

God calls you to wisdom and self-protection.

“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.” — Proverbs 22:3

If your husband’s addiction is creating a toxic, unsafe environment—you have permission to protect yourself. That might look like boundaries. It might look like legal separation or divorce. That is not a sin. That is courage.

You Can’t Fix Him. But You Can Free Yourself.

If any of this resonates, please hear me: You cannot save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.

But you can choose to save yourself. Here’s how:

1. Educate yourself. Learn about addiction and its impact so you can stop blaming yourself for things that were never yours to carry.
   
2. Seek support. Connect with a therapist, join a community like Flying Free, or talk to someone who understands abuse and addiction dynamics.
   
3. Make a safety plan. If your home is unsafe—emotionally, financially, or physically—start taking steps toward legal protection and personal safety.
   
4. Trust your gut. That nagging voice inside you? It’s there for a reason. You don’t need “proof” to justify protecting your peace.

A Shift That Changes Everything

Let me end with a story from another woman in our Kaleidoscope community. One Sunday, she found herself praying—but this time, not for her husband’s healing.

She prayed for her own freedom.

“Lord, help me get free from the constant pain. Set me free by showing me how to get out from under this. I usually beg you to heal my husband, but now I see—I’m the one who needs your strength.”

That’s the shift.

When we stop centering our entire lives around someone else’s brokenness and start focusing on our own healing? That’s when transformation begins.

You Are Worth Saving, Too

Beautiful butterfly, I want you to hear this with your whole heart:

You are not called to sacrifice yourself on the altar of someone else’s addiction.

You are worthy of safety. You are worthy of truth. You are worthy of peace. And you are loved—deeply loved—by a God who wants life and hope and freedom for you.

So take that next step, however small it feels.

You don’t have to do this alone.

Need Support?

Join a big, vibrant community of Christian women finding healing after emotional and spiritual abuse. One of our many educational and life changing courses is called Healing Your Relationship with Yourself. 

“Every lesson I have completed has been better than the previous. This course helped me understand the cycle I was stuck in for so long. It helps me be able to understand and explain what has happened to me. After every lesson I fly a little higher.”  – Kaleidoscope Member

Visit joinflyingfree.com to learn more.